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- Re: Oct 30-Nov 5, 2007
McGuffin:
[size:14pt][color:red][b]McGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS[/color] [/b][/size]
Oct 30 - Nov 5, 2007
SPECIAL POST-HALLOWEEN DEPRESSION ISSUE
HEAR OUR RADIO DEBATE "COULD STEPHEN COLBERT POSSIBLY BE A WORSE PRESIDENT THAN GEORGE W. BUSH?"
Our fair and balanced panel: Sean Hannity (Conservative), Keith Olbermann (liberal), Jerry Seinfeld (comedian), Dane Cook (non-comedian.)
[b][color:blue]READ MY BRIEFS[/b][/color]
O.J. WILL BE TRIED IN NEVADA FOR KIDNAPPING. He pleads not guilty, requests same jury he had in murder trial.
CHINA ARRESTS HUNDREDS IN FOOD CRACKDOWN. Officials concerned that widely sold brand of cat meat was tainted.
RED SOX WIN SERIES 2 YEARS IN A ROW. Ecstatic fans topple and burn their own cars.
[b][color:blue]THESE KIDS TODAY[/b][/color]
17 YEAR OLD CONVICTED OF HAVING CONSENSUAL ORAL SEX WITH UNDERAGE GIRL RELEASED FROM JAIL
by Kiamesha Lake
Genarlow Wilson was only seventeen when he was tried and sentenced as an adult for having consensual oral sex with an unnamed 15 year old girl. Wislon's ten year sentence aroused indignation and a call for changes in the antiquated state law regarding underage sex. Now 19, Wilson, an honor student, left prison last week after serving two years. He said the first thing he wants to do is find Shaniqua and "get another one of those blowjobs worth doing time for. And by the way, she's legal now."
"As you might expect," Wilson continued "like everything else in jail, the food, the facilities, and the people, the blowjobs are terrible. That's why I want to see Shaniqua."
Does he think he was unfairly convicted? "Yes, but I'm out now and...excuse me, that's my cell, it might be Shaniqua."
After a celebration dinner with his family, Wilson toasted his release and left home, saying that the last time he was at Shaniqua's house two years ago, he had forgotten his Bic pen, and wanted to get it back.
[b][color:blue]THE KILLER THAT ATE YOUR WALLET[/b][/color]
MRSA STAPH VIRUS CAN BE DEADLY.
by Dr. Mel E. Levine
Hey, what's up, Internet??
I'd like to thank the folks who showed up at my gig, the 2:30 AM Monday night show at THE G-SPOT in Clarence Center, New York. It's a bit of a drive from Buffalo, so thanks to those who made it. All six of you. You were a great audience and we had fun right up to the point where you left.
If you're in Malmo Sweden on December 30, you can catch me at Uncle Gustaf's Klub Ho Ha on Garvergatan 640. Hope you can make it. Start time 10:00 PM, but it's always night there in December, so what's the difference when it starts? Try the meatballs.
Is the so-called killer staph virus MRSA deadly? Well, yes, if you happen to be over 80, have a compromised immune system or you're a child. Is it easily caught? It sure is, if you have an open skin wound and brush up against someone carrying the bacteria on them. Will it kill you? It might.
But how great is the danger? About as great as that from Swine flu, Avian flu, Asian flu, and all the other scambola viruses they've promoted to insure pharmaceutical profit. Does the virus exist? Yes. Is it going to kill you? You're still here, aren't you?
Good prevention against MRSA is maintaining a healthy immune system and washing your hands. Other than that, the virus is out there, you're out there, take two aspirin and call me when it's over.
[i]Dr. Mel E. Levine, who bills himself as 'The guy whose initials are his name' is a medical doctor whose avocation is performing stand up comedy. He is not currently practicing medicine.[/i]
YOU ARE READING McGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS
[i]If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue [/i]
[b][color:blue]FURTHER TO THE RIGHT[/b][/color]
THE CASE FOR WAR WITH IRAN
Op-ed opinion by Ken Pofter
Iran, which comprises half the axis of evil, is due for an ass-whuppin'.
Aside from their need to conquer America and spread their brand of Islamo-fascism to our children, and their well-known desire to marry our children and darken our grandchildren, their possession of nuclear weapons, their purchase of yellow cake Uranium from Africa, the discovery of mobile chemical weapons labs, their torture and rape rooms, their total ignoring of UN Resolutions calling for them to learn Finnish in six months, their hatred of our freedoms, and our urgent need to fight them there so we won't have to fight them here, are all good reasons to wipe them off the globe. (I have already wiped them off the globe in my home office.)
Iran is a country that condones torture. It spies on its own citizens. It holds people in secret prisons with no access to lawyers. It fails to tell its people what the government is doing. It shows contempt for the rest of the world. This kind of nation cannot be permitted to go unpunished.
It should be an easy war. We grab Ahmadinejad and the many Ayatollahs who actually rule, and bingo, we have instant regime change. Aside from being greeted as liberators, we'll get great caviar and plenty of oil. Once that mission is accomplished we can sweep triumphantly into whatever the big city they have there is called, and topple some statues.
Let's do it. If the going gets rough, well, we're Americans and we can take it. Let us not rest until the bodies of our soldiers and their soldiers litter the ground in Iran. And may the stink of death from the thousands of the slaughtered young remind Iranians, and the rest of the world, that America is a great nation and a noble one.
[color:blue]YOU CAN SKIP THIS PART [/color]
Publisher: Fool Moon LLC
Editor in Chief: Mark McGuffin
Art direction and layout: Do you see any art direction or layout here?
Contributing editors: Shirley McGuffin, Melanie Meineke, Finian Feinstein, Fats Abruzzo, RichardMillicent Mile, Avon Proctor, Jean Salt, George S. Prohegan, Dr. Mel E. Levine, Kiamesha Lake, Ken Pofter, Janet Arapico
Costumes: Jamie Mondrian
Subscriptions: Nell Kutulabendalakshmanen-Rose
Out sick this week: Lisa A. Axlerod
Choreographer: Sheridan "Sherry" Lalouette
Counsel: Dewey, Cheatem and Horowitz, of New York
Circulation. Arthur Crowne, MD.
[b][color:red]COMING NEXT WEEK:[/b] Another Issue of McGuffin's The Untrue News.
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[i]McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2007 by Fool Moon LLC.
Compilation Copyright 1997-2007 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.[/i]
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- Re: Oct 23-29, 2007
McGuffin:
[size:14pt][color:red][b]McGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS[/size][/b][/color]
Oct 23-29, 2007
[color:orange][b]This week in lustrous pre-Halloween orange [/color][/b]
SPECIAL MAKE YOUR OWN FUNGICIDE ISSUE
"You're all traitors except for me and the six or seven neo Conservatives I can count on the fingers of one hand." --Ann Coulter
[b][color:orange]READ MY BRIEFS[/color][/b]
MAJOR RESEARCH LIBRARIES WON'T PUT THEIR BOOKS ON GOOGLE. Google execs ask "what are books?"
BUSH SEEKS FINANCIAL AID FOR MEXICO TO HELP COMBAT DRUG CARTELS. Because it worked so well in Colombia.
THE ANSWER: Big fat Cuban cigars. THE QUESTION: Name something else George Steinbrenner sucks at.
[b][color:orange]THE CONSTITUTION AS CHARMIN TWO-PLY EXTRA-SOFT
[/b][/color]
CRIMINAL CHARGES FOR GONZILLA?
by Jean Salt
(Washington) - Senate Committees and the US Inspector General's office are investigating to see whether criminal charges can be brought against former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.
The main charges would involve multiple counts of lying under oath to Congressional Committees. An official involved in one of the investigations told Untrue News "Gonzales told the committees he had no recollection of certain events, just could not recall them. He said it so many times, there's no possible way he can get out of this. I'd like to see what piece of crap defense he comes up with."
In a related story, Gonzales has checked himself into an Alzheimer's clinic.
YOU ARE READING McGUFFIN'S THE UNTRUE NEWS.
[i]If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue[/i]
[b][color:orange]BOO!![/b][/color]
TAKING CANDY FROM STRANGERS - A GUIDE TO HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
by Untrue News costume designer Jamie Mondrian
By the time you read this, most of the good Halloween costumes are gone. No more Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Spiderman, Hannah Montana, or Dick Cheney action figures. So instead of renting or buying a costume, here's a suggestion for an easy to make, inexpensive Amy Winehouse outfit.
Dye four tennis balls black. Roll your hair around them to bouffant your do. Cut three inches off the shortest miniskirt you have. Don't eat for two weeks before wearing costume. For realism, rinse your mouth with half an ounce of Stoli. For super realism, drink a quart of Stoli.
If the Winehouse look doesn't appeal to you, there are other choices. Many costumes are still readily available for rental, including Carrot Top, Condi Rice, Howard da Silva, Stephen Hawking, Mr. Zip, Vladimir Putin, and Tina Sinatra.
For boys, it's really easy to go as former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Get a pair of rimless glasses, plaster down your hair, and cover yourself with a layer of bullshit before you go out. Perfect.
Remember to make your costume choice based upon who you are. If you're wearing a costume on Halloween you are probably a child or a very rich person with lots of free time who is going to get totally shitfaced at some lame party and come on to his best friend's wife who is dressed as Little Bo Peep.
Either way, let your costume be a reflection of you.
And kids--remember--there can be razor blades in apples, poison in candy, disgusting things people sneak into your treat bag, plus the danger of having some pedophile ask you if you want to come in and see his "candy room." If you do, you'll be traumatized for the rest of your life.
Happy Halloween!
RESULTS OF OUR LATEST POLL. The question: Is ANN COULTER A HUMAN BEING?
The overwhelming majority of respondants (94%) said yes, she is a human being, just a really really terrible one.
[b][color:orange]THE MAGIC OF GAY[/b][/color]
J.K. ROWLING SAYS DUMBLEDORE IS GAY
Op-Ed opinion by Richard Millicent Mile.
Well my dears! Author J.K. Rowling has just announced that one of the leading characters in her Harry Potter series, headmaster Dumbledore, is gay. Big whoop. Like we didn't know that. I mean the character is played in the first two films by Richard Harris! You couldn't get any gayer at a Barbra Streisand concert in San Francisco. He recorded "MacArthur Park" for heavens sake.
Now, I am always one for saying that there aren't enough gay characters in films and tv shows. I didn't think there were enough gay characters in "Boys in the Band". I didn't think there were enough gay characters in "Queer Eye For The Straight Guy." But that doesn't mean that one likes to see someone outed. Frankly, if Dumbledore wanted to come out, he should have done so himself, and not had his author speak for him. What will young gay children think, if their heroes have to closet themselves?
I'll never be able to read the books or see the movies again without thinking of lovely, bearded Dumbledore. Whereas before my crush on him was only a hopeless figment of my imagination, learning now that he's gay means I may have a real shot at it. My fantasy intensifies. Mmm. However, my point is that while I usually want more gay characters, here's a movie that could have used one [i]less[/i].
From a strictly literary or entertainment point of view, I don't see that Dumbledore's sexuality has much to do with anything. It's probably just some shabby piece of publicity on the part of Rowling and her publishers to maintain your interest in the next few Harry Potter films. Maybe Dumbledore will decide on a three way with Harry and the aptly named Cornelius Fudge before graduation.
Now there's something I'd pay to see.
[color:orange]YOU CAN SKIP THIS PART [/color]
Publisher: Fool Moon LLC
Editor in Chief: Mark McGuffin
Art direction and layout: Do you see any art direction or layout here?
Contributing editors: Shirley McGuffin, Melanie Meineke, Finian Feinstein, Fats Abruzzo, Richard Millicent Mile, Avon Proctor, Jean Salt, George S. Prohegan, Dr. Mel E. Levine, Kiamesha Lake, Ken Pofter, Janet Arapico
No Help At All: Dennis Leary
Costumes: Jamie Mondrian
Subscriptions: Nell Kutulabendalakshmanen-Rose
Choreographer: Sheridan "Sherry" Lalouette
Counsel: Dewey, Cheatem and Horowitz, of New York
Circulation. Arthur Crowne, MD.
[color:orange]COMING NEXT WEEK: Another Issue of McGuffin's The Untrue News.[/color]
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2007 by Fool Moon LLC.
Compilation Copyright 1997-2007 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
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McGuffin's The Untrue
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