REPUBLICANS SCOLDED FOR 'FAILURE TO RIDICULE'
by Jade Carascel 

(special to McGuffin's The Untrue News)

Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman told members of his party that they were failing in their responsibility "to belittle and ridicule even the best ideas of our enemy." Mehlman went on to say "And when I speak of our enemy, you know I mean the Democrats. (cheers and applause) Thank you. I haven't heard cheering like that since Texas found out Sirhan Sirhan shot Bobby Kennedy."

The Chairman chided the capacity audience at Amarillo's National Dilla Villa (formerly Potter County) Stadium for not laughing more when Democrats attempt to provide health care for the elderly, or raise the minimum wage. "Let's say they complain about outsourcing of jobs" he said. "And that our administration is sticking it to the American worker. When they do that, you just put your thumb to your nose, like this, waggle your hand, and say 'nyah nyah, Clinton got a blowjob.' 

Or suppose they say President Bush lied about Iraq's possession of WMDs. You just do this. Put your thumb to your nose, waggle your hand, and say 'nyah nyah, Clinton got a blowjob.' Do that a few times, and by the time they get to the Dubai ports deal,  you can just start sticking your thumb in your mouth, if you know what I mean." "The need for mockery is all the more important when the enemy's ideas are valid and we have no answers for them,"  Mehlman continued. "Make sure your nyah's sound snotty and childish." When a reporter for a progressive newsletter asked if "snotty and childish" represented the attitude of most Republicans, Mehlman snapped "No!  Now go watch Clinton get a blowjob!"

McGuffin:
[b][color:red][size:16pt]McGuffin's Untrue News. [/size][/color] Nov 9, 2008 [i]"If we say it's Untrue, there's no way you can sue." [/i] [color:blue]READ MY BRIEFS[/color] [list] [*]SARAH PALIN THINKS AFRICA IS A COUNTRY. But knows penguins come from Australia. [*]McCAIN CAMPAIGN SPENT $12,000 ON DEPENDS. Staffers won't say for who. [*]GEORGE AND LAURA BUSH WILL RETURN TO CRAWFORD. Until he can finally sell that damn ranch and stop pretending to be a cowboy. [/list] EDUCATION [color:blue]SWITCH FROM DAYLIGHT TIME TO STANDARD TIME BAFFLES STUDENTS. [/color] [color:#990000] [/color] by Kiamesha Lake "Is it 'spring forward and fall back?' or the other way around? Because you know, it could go the other way too." said Faith Kaiser of Duluth, a sophomore at Michigan State University, speaking about the resetting of the clocks that occurs in the United States twice a year. "Twice a year! who can remember something like that? It's confusing, and frankly a bit frustrating." said Ms. Kaiser, who is 19. "I mean is it my eight o'clock class or my nine o'clock that I'll be late for? It's like when they change the time of tv shows. Why do they purposely try to make things difficult for us?" Other students confess to feeling the same way. "It completely fucked up my automatic coffee maker" said Jay Gerber, a senior at Brockport (NY} State College. "All of a sudden it's eight o'clock and I'm smelling coffee. I say to myself 'what the hell?' " "I totally forgot to set my car clock back" said Amy Preister, a Boston College junior. "What a mess. My house clock says four, my car clock says five, I thought I was going crazy." Stupid students looked forward to the change "as a way of adding an hour to your life" but most were baffled. "There must be some way of changing the number on my digital clock, but I'll be damned if I can find it." said Les Brewster, a student at Dartmouth. About eighty five percent of students interviewed complained that the time change was difficult to remember and inconvenient. Ms. Kaiser later confessed it didn't matter which class she missed, since she usually slept through her early classes anyway. "But changing the time? That's really asking too much." She is majoring in politics and government. [color:#990000]SPECIAL OFFER FOR NEO CONSERVATIVES, REDNECKS, BIGOTS, CRACKERS, THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT, AND REPUBLICANS.[/color] Due to unprecedented demand and a fortunate purchase, Untrue News has partnered with Krumholz investments to offer our readers a special tv device known as a Barack Blocker. Simply attach the Barack Blocker to your cable box, and its patented facial recognition technology automatically switches to ESPN every time Barack Obama's face appears on the screen. You'll not only be rid of an unpleasant experience, you'll get to watch a lot more sports. You'll never have to see or listen to Obama making speeches, giving press conferences, waving from the White House lawn as he strides towards his helicopter, or singing a stoner duet of "On the Road Again" with Willie Nelson at the White House Christmas party. In fact, you never have to see Barack Obama on your television set again. Especially helpful in homes with small children. Easy to use and almost entirely legal, the Barack Blocker will give all of you who voted against him respite for the next four years. Order now, supplies are limited and going fast. Available exclusively from Untrue News for only $99.95 plus $79.99 processing and shipping. Be as ignorant of politics tomorrow as you were when you voted. ORDER NOW! Operators are sitting in their cubicles reading Mary Higgins Clark, waiting to take your order If you call within ten minutes of viewing this ad, we'll include absolutely free a deluxe pocket comb. (Just pay shipping and processing.) [/b] [size:10pt]Michelle Obama and the children are not included. You can buy a "family adaptor" for only $29.95 plus $79.99 shipping [/size] [b] [color:blue]GOV PALIN WILL APPEAR AT ANNUAL ALASKAN RELIGIOUS HUNTING FESTIVAL [/color] by Finian Feinsein The Skin and Dress A Moose for Christ Festival will be held in Ketchikan this year. A record turnout is expected. Participants kill as many moose as they can in 24 hours, clean and dress the animals, sell the meat to restaurants and canners, and offer the entrails as a sacrifice to Christ. "I think Our Lord is pretty happy that we think about him and honor him in this way" said Tim Kegan, a longtime Ketchikan resident and festival participant. "Last year I was able to contribute about 200 pounds of moose offal to the sacrifice." Former Vice-Presidential candidate and current Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and her husband Tod are expected to attend. "We honor Jesus whenever and wherever and however we can" said Gov. Palin. "That's what this moose hunt is all about." [color:blue]YOU CAN SKIP THIS PART [/color] Publisher: Fool Moon LLC Editor in Chief: Mark McGuffin Art direction and layout: Do you see any art direction or layout here? Contributing editors: Shirley McGuffin, Melanie Meineke, Finian Feinstein, Fats Abruzzo, Richard Millicent Mile, Avon Proctor, Jean Salt, George S. Prohegan, Dr. Mel E. Levine, Kiamesha Lake, Ken Pofter, Janet Arapico Costumes: Jamie Mondrian Subscriptions: Nell Kutulabendalakshmanen-Rose Not that interested in pig iron: Lisa A. Axlerod Choreographer: Sheridan "Sherry" Lalouette Counsel: Faulk-Mehan-Diaz of New York Circulation. Arthur Crowne, MD. McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2008 by Fool Moon LLC. Compilation Copyright 1997-2008 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. [/b]

McGuffin:
McGUFFIN'S UNTRUE NEWS"We were here when your father was still alive"SHORT SHELF LIFE THEATER PRESENTSTwo song parody audio files for your consideration.See you at the Grammies!Two Creepy People (mp3 file)Send in Palin-McCain (mp3 file)

MUMBAI WANTS TO BE BOMBAY AGAIN

By Shirley McGuffin

The Indian city of Mumbai (formerly Bombay) wants to change its name back again. The city said it had been "smack in the middle of" a blotter acid--crystal meth high and  "at the time thought Mumbai was the coolest name ever." The city has since changed its mind. Emails expressing support and sympathy have come from such diverse sources as Sri Lanka (Ceylon), Myanmar (Burma), Congo (Zaire, Belgian Congo, and Winona Ryder (Laura Horowitz)

NEWLY DISCOVERED DOCUMENT REVEALS:

CHENEY ONCE TOLD TRUTH.

Gave his correct address on work application in 1955.

Read IMMUNE TO SODIUM AMYTAL by Olivia Vaughan-Meader, In Next Week's Magazine Section.

For more Untrue News, see The collected speeches of George W. Bush