The Untrue News

• HIGH PRAISE AND MISDEMEANORS

In her book "Monica's Story" Monica Lewinsky says that when she asked to call her mother, Ken Starr henchman Jackie Bennett Jr. told her "You're a grown woman, you're old enough, you don't have to call your mommy."  This from a grown man who uses the name "Jackie".  Ms. Lewinsky also characterizes Bennett as a "miserable excuse for a human being."  The American Trial Lawyers' Association responded that this is one of the highest compliments a prosecutor can receive.

• SLICKER THAN WILLY

In a related story, Ken Starr almost drowned in a pool of his own oil yesterday, the Washington Post reported on Thursday.  Starr was smirking for photographers when "it just oozed out of him" according to  the paper.

• OUR TV CRITIC RICHARD MILLICENT MILE REVIEWS THE 20/20 INTERVIEW WITH MONICA LEWINSKY:

Well my dears, somebody at 20/20 needs glasses.  I mean really.  Did you see Monica's dress?  And her hair?  Atrocious.  I had the program on, but I really wasn't paying much attention because five minutes after it started my dear friend Terry called from Palma Majorca where he's having a fabulous time basking in the sun, and I just had to talk to him and catch up on the gossip.  He and his friends in Palma know more about Monica than Barbara Walters ever will, believe me.  We gabbed and giggled for about an hour, and then it was back to work.  Fortunately for me, the second hour of the interview contained only about 20 minutes of content and 40 minutes of commercials, which were quite intriguing, certainly more interesting than Ms. Lewinsky's prattle about herself.  I mean, we all KNOW what happened, so what is the sense of rehashing it?  Were I in her shoes (if only!), I'd conduct myself in a much more dignified manner, I can assure you.  The only newsworthy item was Monica's revelation that when she first realized she had been betrayed by Linda Tripp, she wanted to claw the flesh off Tripp's face, and only hesitated because she knew it would improve Tripp's appearance.  Basically, and I shudder to say this but it's true, Monica came off like a young Lucianne Goldberg.  What horrors await her as she ages we can only imagine.  Ta for now.

-- RMM