The Untrue News

The American Atheists, Inc. the group whose lawsuit led to banishment of school prayer back in 1963, has moved their headquarters from Austin Texas to Cranford New Jersey.  A spokesman for the group, Ron Barrier, told Untrue News that the atheist group has wanted to relocate to an eastern metropolitan setting for many years, but just never found the right place.  "The move is something we've been praying for" said Barrier, "and now, thank God, it's happened."

Scientists at Brookhaven National Laboratories will use a device called a "Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider" in an attempt to recreate the material which existed in space one second after the "Big Bang."  By doing so, the scientists hope to create a brand new universe.  A spokesman for the lab, Ian Lippard, told the scientific journal Nature "If our creation is successful, our first priority will be to sell shares of it to Coke, Disney, and Microsoft.  What good is a new universe without commercial sponsorship?"  Microsoft chairman Bill Gates said he'd be interested if he could "assume a leadership role, such as King or God."  Stocks in all 3 companies showed a significant increase on the news.

The New York State Department of Insurance has levied fines against several insurance companies for failing to pay claims within 45 days of receiving them.  Among the companies was Aetna Insurance, which was fined $8,700.  Aetna spokesman Gil Bessemer told Untrue News "We pay out approximately ten million dollars in claims each month.  At seven percent annual interest this comes to around $58,000 per month for each extra month we hold the money.  That $8,700 fine the state slapped on us really hurts.  Ouch."

Chicago resident Evelyn Giordano beams as she is told she's the first contestant in 37 years to win the Eleanor Roosevelt look-alike contest