HELLO, YEAH, IT'S BEEN A WHILE

Many people who believe the Messiah will arrive at the dawn of the millennium will be surprised to learn that the Messiah will actually arrive on May 4, when the new film STAR WARS EPISODE 1: THE PHANTOM MENACE is released.  A Lucasfilms spokesman told this reporter "We've been in touch with the Messiah and he has promised to be in attendance for the premiere of the movie. He said there has been so much press about it, and such good word of mouth, he didn't want to wait to see it on cable.  So what he's doing is pushing up the date of his arrival to coincide with the film's opening.  That way he can be among the first to view this fantastic motion picture, perhaps the greatest ever made."  In a follow-up telephone interview the Messiah confirmed the studio's story, saying "I will save mankind later, my first priority is to see this super movie, which I and the world have so long anticipated.  I just know it will prove to be worth the wait. I'm pumped."  Religious leaders such as John Cardinal O'Connor, his holiness the Pope and Christian fundamentalist Rev. Jerry Falwell all agreed that the Messiah was doing the right thing.  "If it were me, I'd do exactly what He is doing" said Cardinal O'Connor, "I paid to see the three-minute preview and frankly, it knocked me out." Falwell said that both the action figure tie-in and the special effects in the movie "had to be divinely inspired" and the Pope, who saw a special preview screening added "There's a lot of buzz about this flick and it is entirely justified.  Seeing THE PHANTOM MENACE restored my faith in God."  TITANIC director James "King of the World" Cameron could not be reached for comment.

ROOM SERVICE

Researchers at the American Institute of Public Policy have discovered that people who use Internet Chat Rooms and social Email services for more than one hour per day are sadder and more lonely than their non-using counterparts, the National Journal of Science reported last week.  In an effort to check out the research, a reporter spent a month logging on to several Internet chat services, from teen rooms to political discussions to senior citizen areas and discovered...oh what's the difference what I discovered?  Who cares?  RealHotGirl(19) is never going to love me, it was all a sham, she's off with HardGuy69 cybering in some private room.  And what does it all mean anyway?  Why bother?  I'm just a disembodied voice, a nothing, reaching out into the ether in hopes of finding compassion and fulfillment, and discovering instead only depression, disillusionment and the shattering of my fondest dreams.  I hate my life. I'll brb, I've gotta check my mail.  :-(

Hog prices have fallen more than 39% in the past year, and the cheap prices for pigs has affected everything, from the plentiful pork products in local markets to the proliferation of talk show personalities like Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham.