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April 15, 2000

"Soy uno satiristo"  --Howard Stern, apologizing for remarks made after the death of Latina singer Serena.

 "Yeah, sure you are, you're a regular Jonathan Swift."  --Mark McGuffin

SPECIAL INCOME TAX EDITION

This issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by the United States Internal Revenue Service, which says "You've heard much made of the fact that we are auditing far fewer people than ever before.  Don't be fooled.  If YOU try to scam so much as a dime off your taxes, we'll hit you with the fullest penalties allowed by law.  We'll take your car, your house and that scholarship your twins worked so hard for.  Don't believe everything you hear on TV.  You're not O.J. Simpson.  Pay your taxes."

 

WOODSMAN, SPARE THAT TREE

GEORGE BUSHPresident Clinton has ordered the permanent protection of some of the world's oldest and largest redwood trees, by setting aside 327,000 acres of forest in central California as a national monument.  Predictably, Republican presidential hopeful George W. Bush deplored the action, saying "Yes, the trees are old, but I can't help thinking that if we cut them down, the lumber could help build some really fine, solid prisons."

GET WELL SOON

MARIAH CAREY

Popular singer Mariah Carey is up and about after being rushed to the hospital last week suffering from severe food poisoning.  Apparently, she ate a couple of bad producers.

Untrue News Science Editor Dr. Mel E. Levine updates us on the latest in the world of science and medicine:

Sorry, no report this week, I'm on the road, Juggs in Camden on Tuesday, (opening for the lovely Asia de Cuba) and Mr. Laffs in Death Valley on Sunday (standby comic).  If you're in the area, drop in, mention my name and they'll waive the four drink minimum.  Catch you next time.  --Mel

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

Richard Burton's family angrily rejected claims in a new book that the hell-raising Welsh actor was secretly gay.  "If Rich was a homosexual, then I'm a nun," said the actor's brother, Sister Mary Angelica. 

Smiling Nun with GlassesRichard Burton In Make-Up As W Churchill

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A Spike Lee joint.

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

WE HAVE A WINNER

Here are the three top entries in our March contest in which we asked you to provide a slogan for Internet Explorer.

  • SECOND RUNNER UP:  "Internet Explorer.  If your car worked as well as our browser, you'd be dead."
  • FIRST RUNNER UP:  "Internet Explorer.  And you thought AMTRAK crashed a lot."
  • *WINNER:  "Internet Explorer.  Compatible?  What's that?"

See below for our new contest, three big winners every month!

Are you a joke writer?

Joke writers earn big dollars in New York and Hollywood and are highly respected members of the community, sought after by charities and home mortgage lenders. If you have talent, a lucrative career can be yours. It can also be yours if you don't have talent, but have a parent or relative who is a producer of film or television product requiring jokes.

VIAGRA

IT'S EASY.

Just select which punchline is funniest, A, B, or C.  Then send us your answer and your reasoning in 25,000 words or less.

Q:  WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A LAWYER TAKES VIAGRA?

A.  All his cases stand up in court.
B.  He stiffs you even worse than before.
C.  He gets taller

Send your answers to McGuffin@untruenews.com
WINNERS WILL BE NOTIFIED BY EMAIL.  Good luck!

 

ELIAN GONZALES SAYS: 

Elian, tense rivals await the next step; Helmeted police confront activists in Washington; Ripken reaches 3,000

"Clic por favor a uno (o dos) de nuestros patrocinadores de la Untrue News.  Gracias."

Well, we can't speak for little Elian except to say that if he could read English, or if he could read at all, Untrue News would be his favorite website.  And even though he's lived most of his life in a Communist country, he's right when he says that you should click on one (or two) of our Untrue News sponsors.  Let's keep capitalism alive and show these Commies what real Americans are made of!

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2004 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.  
A Powerball ticket or lottery ticket from your state or province makes a thoughtful and inexpensive Easter gift. Send yours to McGuffin, Box 111, Hammond, Indiana 46320.

 

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Michael Jackson - exclusive interview! Click here to listen.

 

 

 

 

 

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