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April 22, 2000

SPECIAL EASTER--PASSOVER--KWANZAA ISSUE

This week's edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by The Masters Golf Tournament.  Are you a dominant male who enjoys golf, or a submissive female looking for a golfer?  Call The Masters Golf Tournament today.

WHICH CAME FIRST?

Senator Strom Thurmond at Republican ConventionScientists in South Dakota have unearthed the heart of a dinosaur.  Reports indicate that the heart, found almost a year ago, was extremely old, fossilized, and covered with stone.  Members of the dig team said that at first it was mistaken for the heart of Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC)

 

LIFE'S A FOX AND THEN YOU DIE

Media giant Rupert Murdoch is undergoing tests for cancer, according to a statement released by his office.  One of Mr. Murdoch's doctors told Untrue News, "He may or may not have prostate cancer.  We can't be sure because he's such a tightass it's hard to examine him."

 

NO REASONABLE OFFER REFUSED

Ragdoll Productions, creators of The Teletubbies, is considering a partial or total sale of the company, but will insist on retaining creative control, according to the London Sunday Times. Company founder Anne Wood told the newspaper: "The grey suits are always going to be reluctant about investing in bold new ideas such as Teletubbies. They cannot appreciate the sensitivities and ambiguities of the pre-school audience."

OTHER THINGS GREY SUITS CAN'T APPRECIATE: 

1. The sensitivities and ambiguities of Barney.
2. BunRaku, the Puppet Theater of Japan
3. The egocentricity and deluded sense of self-importance held by some company founders, not mentioning any names Ms. Wood.

 

WORD FROM THE EXPERT

At a Yale University seminar, Dr. Henry Lee demonstrates the technique of autoerotic asphyxiation.

 

HATE FROM OUT OF STATE

In what the NY times calls a "deep vein of loathing" for Mrs. Clinton, out-of-state donors are contributing record amounts of money to the NY Senate campaign of NYC Mayor Rudolph (Adolf) Giuliani.  Said a Kansas woman who gave $500 to the Giuliani campaign fund "We are basically conservative Republicans who are contributing money to defeat Hillary.  The fact that Mayor Giuliani runs New York like Mussolini ran Italy is just icing on the cake for us."

 

SHOOTING MY MOUTH OFF

EDITORIAL
A solution to the gun problem. 
by Untrue News editor-in-chief Mark McGuffin.

Hiya.  Here is the perfect solution to the problem of gun control in the United States:  Make the National Rifle Association the responsible agency for gun control and require all gun owners to become members of the NRA and be licensed by them.

This would immediately enrich the NRA in the form of increased membership dues, and extra money from their fees for the permits and background checks, and at the same time would shift responsibility from gun manufacturers and gun shop owners in the matter of illegal posession, sale and use of guns.  All gun murders, and all cases of possession of guns during crimes would become the responsibility of the licensing agency, the NRA.  While it's true that the NRA could be sued by victims of shootings and their families, we feel there would be very few cases brought, since the NRA assures us their membership is law abiding.  Moreover, with the NRA in charge, they can use their vast resources not to lobby for less gun control, but to oversee the licensing procedures so that criminals can no longer get guns on the black market.  Eventually, when criminals can no longer obtain guns, there will be no need for gun control laws.  Everyone benefits.  Furthermore, when the NRA owns the database, no one need worry that the information will be used indiscriminately by the government to confiscate guns.   However, the information might be indiscriminately sold to advertisers, which in our view is just as bad.  Still, it's an offer the NRA--which claims to fight for the rights of gun owners--can't refuse.  In conclusion... wait, I'll be right back, someone's shooting holes in my door.

-- Mark McGuffin

 

IF HE'S GUILTY, WE'RE ALL GUILTY

Bill Williams says he found a keyboard and monitor on the street and was running through the neighborhood at midnight searching for the owner when he was stopped by police.

 

THE PHILOSOPHERS STONED

McDonald's Sign and CasinoThought of the day #1:  MacDonald's Restaurants on major highways are open 24 hours a day, every day of the year.  Why do they have locks on the doors? --- www.original-thoughts.com

Thought of the day #2:  MacDonald's Restaurants on major highways are open 24 hours a day, every day of the year.  Why do they have locks on the doors? -- www.unoriginal-thoughts.com

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

Elton John says:

Singer Elton John

I sure get beaten up in this Untrue News, don't I?  I can't understand why they got so angry at me for usurping the spotlight at Princess Diana's funeral.  It's not like they were her friends or anything.  If I knew Di, she wouldn't spit at the feet of these people.  If my information is correct, the very last words she spoke to her Doctor were 'Listen Snookie, make sure Elton sings a rewritten version of Candle In the Wind at my funeral.'  But I am a very fair person, and after reading several issues I must say Untrue News has become one of my favorite websites, ranking right up there with Happyboys.com and ManoPorMano.net  So please do me a favor and click on a couple of the Untrue News sponsors.  I have more money than I'll spend in five lifetimes, but the poor folks at Untrue News don't, so click on a couple of sponsors and help them move out of the trailer and maybe when you die, I'll...well, I can't make any promises.   Love yiz.

Elton  (call me EJay)

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC.  All rights reserved. Front desk?  I'd like a wakeup call when the hockey season is over, please.  Oh, you don't take them that far in advance?  Okay, thanks

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