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BRING SOME UPMANN CORONAS WITH YOU
The U.S. diplomatic mission in Havana handed out travel visas Thursday for four of Elian Gonzalez's schoolmates to visit him at an undisclosed location near Washington. Accompanying the children will be their three kindergarten teachers, Alma Ruiz, Elena Cruz and Colonel
Jaquinto Delgado Santos-Perez.
TOM TOM THE VIPER'S SON
Representative Tom DeLay (R-TX) called for Congressional hearings into the raid which took little Elian Gonzales from his relatives' home in Miami. "I think we should look into this in depth," Mr. DeLay
said on NBC's Meet the Press, "because it is frightening that American citizens now can expect that the executive branch can decide whether to raid a home." Asked about the fact that such raids took place every day in homes where citizens were harboring illegal aliens,
DeLay replied "We're not talking about a bunch of wetbacks sneaking over the border, we're talking about a brave fugitive from Comma-nism." DeLay then went to his office to piss on the Constitution.
ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS
In a related story, an anti-Castro group told Untrue News that if Elian is returned to Cuba, he will be mutilated and tortured by Fidel Castro's Child Torture Squad, the dreaded ETN (Escuadrilla De la Tortura Del Niño). This little known organization punishes unruly,
disobedient and irresponsible children when ordered by the state. So far, more than a million children have been "rehabilitated" by this method under the Castro Regime. If the parents object, they are killed. Our informants, The Insane Anti Castro Army (El Ejército
Insano De Anti-Castro), promises more news in the future. We'll be the first to bring it to you!
(editor's note:) Anti-Castro almost rhymes with antipasto, doesn't it?
IN NEED OF REPAIR
Tom Angelo brings his clock in for a new face
DEPARTMENT OF SILVER LININGS
First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton reacts to the news that her opponent in the NY Senate race, Mayor Rudolph Giuliani has prostate cancer.
At least one inmate is dead after a riot broke out at a Texas prison. Fires raged for days at the Lamesa facility in Dawson County. Texas Gov. George W. Bush rushed to the prison to see the trouble first hand.
Remarking that he'd be out of state on the campaign trail for the next six months, Bush signed a sheaf of blank execution warrants.
AS PURE AS THE DRIVEN PSYCHE
After telling everyone who would listen that they would take a lie detector test in the case of their murdered daughter, John and Patsy Ramsey have now declined to do so. Asked why the couple
would not take the test, Patsy Ramsey told Untrue News "For the same reason O.J. refused...because we have nothing to hide."
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH JOHN AND PATSY RAMSEY!!!
Our TV and television reporter Richard Millicent Mile chats briefly with John and Patsy:
RMM: Patsy, your hair looks fabulous!
PR: Thank you, Dick.
RMM: And that dress, my God, it's stunning.
PR: It's just a simple little thing.
RMM: John, how are you, nice to see you again.
JR: Hi Dick, nice to see you too.
RMM: Now Ramseys, you said in your Barbara Walters interview and elsewhere that you would be glad to take a lie detector test if you were asked to, and now you're refusing to take the test.
PR: We aren't refusing to take it, we just are unhappy with the test conditions imposed by the police.
JR: We'd happily take it, but it's ridiculous. We simply didn't do it. If we're guilty, you might as well say Louise Woodward is guilty.
RMM: Louise Woodward WAS found guilty.
(for the complete interview, go to foolmoon.com and enter the secret code)
THESE KIDS TODAY
Overwhelmed high school students can't contain their enthusiasm as the final bars of Wagner's "Ring of the Niebelungen" concludes the 12 hour, 4 opera cycle. The students stayed and cheered the cast for an additional 20 minutes. Later Krystal Ferrier
(2nd row, right) gushed to Untrue News "Could it have been more fabulous? You know the second act of "Siegfried" takes 68 minutes, but man, it seemed like it went by in 50, this was SO COOL."
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
Marisleysis Gonzales says:
What kind of people are you? Dio mio, can't you see hearts are breaking here? Can't you....oh, I'm sorry, I think I passed out, but I'm fine now. What was I saying? Oh yes, what kind of people are you? First, you take an innocent child away
from the relatives who love him, then you don't click on any sponsors here at my favorite website, Untrue News. Huh? Oh, sorry, I must have fallen into a faint again. No, I don't need the hospital. What I need is for you good people to click on some Untrue News
sponsors. Let me tell you something, that bastard Clinton wouldn't click on any sponsors. No, he's too busy cheating on his wife and raping every woman who comes into his office to bother clicking on sponsors. He has a long pointy tail, that Clinton, I saw it myself.
You can smell sulphur when he's in the room. Maybe I'm ready for the hospital now. I love you, Elian!