Pope John Paul II returned from his visit to the Holy Land last week, and immediately announced he had forgiven Untrue News for any blasphemies and/or profanities it may have used during its existence. Speaking in a quiet, reverential voice, the Pope said "There comes a time when we must seek to heal, to unite, to carry the message of Jesus even to such a lowly and unworthy subject as this journalistic rag. Please know, Untrue News, that whatever sins you may have committed by mocking and satirizing our holy mother, the church, are hereby forgiven." Asked if the church would take a stance on the writing style of Untrue News, his holiness replied "Bad writing is never forgivable."

After two days of debate, the House approved a $12.7 billion emergency spending bill whose centerpiece commits the United States to train and equip Colombia's security forces to combat drug traffickers. The chief of Colombian Security, Gen. Jose Toros Santiago told Untrue Newsletter "We will be bost habby to use Aberica's buddy to fide agaidst the benace of cocaide. Ahh-chooo."

7:30 AM: Disgruntled earlybirds express disappointment on learning that their favorite seafood diner is no longer open for breakfast. "I can't get started in the morning without my steamers 'n' eggs" said Kyle Stevenson (in yellow jacket). "A lot of us here feel the same way."

Defense Secretary William Cohen said the Pentagon was investigating a sexual harassment complaint filed by three-star Lt. Gen. Claudia Kennedy that she was groped by a male General in her Pentagon office in 1996. Although the accused officer was not publicly named, Untrue News learned his identity and phoned him at home for an interview. The General denied the charges and said "I have nothing but complete and total respect for all the women under me, if you know what I mean, heh heh."