April 1, 2000
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This special April Fool edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by the Congress of the United States of America, fooling the American people since 1789.

Forgive Us Our Debts

Pope John Paul II returned from his visit to the Holy Land last week, and immediately announced he had forgiven Untrue News for any blasphemies and/or profanities it may have used during its existence. Speaking in a quiet, reverential voice, the Pope said "There comes a time when we must seek to heal, to unite, to carry the message of Jesus even to such a lowly and unworthy subject as this journalistic rag. Please know, Untrue News, that whatever sins you may have committed by mocking and satirizing our holy mother, the church, are hereby forgiven." Asked if the church would take a stance on the writing style of Untrue News, his holiness replied "Bad writing is never forgivable."

It's The Real Thing

After two days of debate, the House approved a $12.7 billion emergency spending bill whose centerpiece commits the United States to train and equip Colombia's security forces to combat drug traffickers. The chief of Colombian Security, Gen. Jose Toros Santiago told Untrue Newsletter "We will be bost habby to use Aberica's buddy to fide agaidst the benace of cocaide. Ahh-chooo."

The Breakfast Club

7:30 AM: Disgruntled earlybirds express disappointment on learning that their favorite seafood diner is no longer open for breakfast. "I can't get started in the morning without my steamers 'n' eggs" said Kyle Stevenson (in yellow jacket). "A lot of us here feel the same way."

Feeling Military

Defense Secretary William Cohen said the Pentagon was investigating a sexual harassment complaint filed by three-star Lt. Gen. Claudia Kennedy that she was groped by a male General in her Pentagon office in 1996. Although the accused officer was not publicly named, Untrue News learned his identity and phoned him at home for an interview. The General denied the charges and said "I have nothing but complete and total respect for all the women under me, if you know what I mean, heh heh."

Other Articles of interest on our inside pages:

  • Streisand: "I Never Sang a Note." Voice dubbed by Marni Nixon, Cher...p.11

  • Elton John on: The Twinkie Shortage.....p.29

  • Al Sharpton: O.J. Didn't Do It....p.41

  • Goodbye: Michael Clarke Duncan...p.48

  • Books: Mein Amerikanische Kampf by Patrick Buchanan...p.55

  • Brief Biographies: Pat Buchanan, American Hero by Rudolph Giuliani...p.60

  • Al Sharpton: Manson Didn't Do it...p.87

  • Comment: Diego Rivera, artist or paradise vacation spot?...p.91

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

Tally Me Bananna

"What do you mean you've never heard 'Day-O'? Where have you been, what country are you from, what's wrong with you?"

Uni-Sexist Joke:

Q: Which is better, your boyfriend/girlfriend, or a beer?

A: Whichever one gives you the longest lasting head.

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. When in Fall River Mass. be sure to visit the Whaling Wall

If I had a nickel for every person who ever hurt me, I'd have twelve dollars and fifty five cents, which is barely worth my trouble.

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