This special April Fool edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is
brought to you by the Congress of the United States of America, fooling the American
people since 1789.
Forgive Us Our Debts
Pope John Paul II returned from
his visit to the Holy Land last week, and immediately announced he had forgiven Untrue
News for any blasphemies and/or profanities it may have used during its existence.
Speaking in a quiet, reverential voice, the Pope said "There comes a time when we must
seek to heal, to unite, to carry the message of Jesus even to such a lowly and unworthy
subject as this journalistic rag. Please know, Untrue News, that whatever sins you may
have committed by mocking and satirizing our holy mother, the church, are hereby
forgiven." Asked if the church would take a stance on the writing style of Untrue News,
his holiness replied "Bad writing is never forgivable."
It's The Real Thing
After two days of debate, the House
approved a $12.7 billion emergency spending bill whose centerpiece commits the United
States to train and equip Colombia's security forces to combat drug traffickers. The
chief of Colombian Security, Gen. Jose Toros Santiago told Untrue Newsletter "We will be
bost habby to use Aberica's buddy to fide agaidst the benace of cocaide. Ahh-chooo."
The Breakfast Club
7:30 AM: Disgruntled
earlybirds express disappointment on learning that their favorite seafood diner is no
longer open for breakfast. "I can't get started in the morning without my steamers 'n'
eggs" said Kyle Stevenson (in yellow jacket). "A lot of us here feel the same way."
Secretary William Cohen said the Pentagon was investigating a sexual harassment complaint
filed by three-star Lt. Gen. Claudia Kennedy that she was groped by a male General in her
Pentagon office in 1996. Although the accused officer was not publicly named, Untrue News
learned his identity and phoned him at home for an interview. The General denied the
charges and said "I have nothing but complete and total respect for all the women under
me, if you know what I mean, heh heh."
Other Articles of interest on our inside pages:
Streisand: "I Never Sang a Note." Voice
dubbed by Marni Nixon, Cher...p.11
Elton John on: The Twinkie Shortage.....p.29
Al Sharpton: O.J. Didn't Do It....p.41
Goodbye: Michael Clarke Duncan...p.48
Books: Mein Amerikanische Kampf by Patrick
Brief Biographies: Pat Buchanan, American
Hero by Rudolph Giuliani...p.60
Al Sharpton: Manson Didn't Do it...p.87
Comment: Diego Rivera, artist
or paradise vacation spot?...p.91
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
Tally Me Bananna
"What do you mean you've never heard 'Day-O'? Where have you been, what country are you
from, what's wrong with you?"
Which is better, your boyfriend/girlfriend, or a beer?
A: Whichever one gives you the longest lasting head.