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August 5, 2000

This edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by the American Socialist Party. Please don't call us "National Socialists". We are American Socialists. A vote for us is like flushing your vote down the toilet without wasting water.

EndiveSpecial Food of the Month issue.
August selection: ENDIVE

 

EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD

George Bush chose Dick Cheney as his running mate. This means if Bush is elected we'll have two dicks in the white house. (HIT THEME, DISSOLVE TO STAGE, DENNIS ENTERS, CUE APPLAUSE)

 

IT'S UP SHE GOES

Industrial analysts reported a sharp rise in the prices of gas, hot air, and manure, blaming increased demand by the Republican National Convention. The price of hypocrisy also shot up to new levels.

A SURGE OF SUITS

Children With Their Lemonade StandThe music industry's copyright infringement suit against Napster, an internet music swapping service took a step backwards this week when a federal appeals court granted Napster’s request for an emergency stay. Meanwhile, Napster is suing Johnny Cochranpre-teen Billy DeCamp of Elkton, Maryland, for selling "Napster" lemonade at a homemade stand, and displaying the Napster logo without their express permission. Napster has hired Johnnie "I'll sue anyone" Cochran as outside counsel. Cochran promised that young Billy "will be vigorously and unsparingly examined in court on behalf of my client."

 

THE PARTY OF ALL THE PEOPLE

"Hey you black guy I'm pointing to. Get out of the audience, boy, and get up here. We need as many of you coloreds as we can get on the stage, pronto. Come on, move your lazy ass."

 

THE PEACOCK'S BREAST

Viewers' eyes got a bit wider last week when a woman outside the window of NBC's TODAY Show opened her blouse and exposed her breasts as the camera panned the audience. Shaken NBC officials did their best to control the damage, saying "we apologize to our viewers. We deal with stories about  violent sex crimes, murders, rape, incest and child abuse, but I assure you we draw the line at tits."

 

A LOAF OF BREAD, TWO JUGS, AND THOU

In a related story, an Untrue News Poll recently asked men "Are You Obsessed With Women's Breasts?" 96% of the respondents said they needed, really needed to see and perhaps touch the breasts in question before making a decision. 95% then asked where and how soon this could be accomplished.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

A study commissioned by a group advocating universal health coverage said Americans 65 and older pay an average of 110% more today than they did 8 years ago for prescription medicine. "They pay higher prices than anyone, because there’s no one bargaining on their behalf." said Ron Pollack of Families USA. Kevin Kirk, 84, a spokesman for senior Medicare recipients told Untrue News he would have written a letter of complaint earlier, but could not afford the $7.14 the post office was charging him for a first class stamp.

THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WANTED

Celebrating her 105th birthday, Lydia Doheny points to two of the nursing home interns she'd like to do just one more time.

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