This edition of McGuffin's
Untrue News is brought to you by the American Socialist Party.
Please don't call us "National Socialists". We are
American Socialists. A vote for us is like flushing your vote down
the toilet without wasting water.
Special Food of the
Month issue.
August selection: ENDIVE
EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD
George Bush chose Dick Cheney
as his running mate. This means if Bush is elected we'll have two
dicks in the white house. (HIT THEME, DISSOLVE TO STAGE, DENNIS
ENTERS, CUE APPLAUSE)
IT'S UP SHE GOES
Industrial analysts reported a sharp rise
in the prices of gas, hot air, and manure, blaming increased
demand by the Republican National Convention. The price of hypocrisy
also shot up to new levels.
A SURGE OF SUITS
The
music industry's copyright infringement suit against Napster, an
internet music swapping service took a step backwards this week
when a federal appeals court granted Napster’s request for an
emergency stay. Meanwhile, Napster is suing
pre-teen Billy DeCamp of Elkton, Maryland, for
selling "Napster" lemonade at a homemade stand, and
displaying the Napster logo without their express permission.
Napster has hired Johnnie "I'll sue anyone" Cochran as
outside counsel. Cochran promised that young Billy "will be
vigorously and unsparingly examined in court on behalf of my
client."
THE PARTY OF ALL THE PEOPLE
"Hey
you black guy I'm pointing to. Get out of the audience, boy, and
get up here. We need as many of you coloreds as we can get on the
stage, pronto. Come on, move your lazy ass."
THE PEACOCK'S BREAST
Viewers' eyes got a bit wider last week
when a woman outside the window of NBC's TODAY Show opened her
blouse and exposed her breasts as the camera panned the audience.
Shaken NBC officials did their best to
control the damage, saying "we apologize to our viewers. We
deal with stories about violent sex crimes, murders, rape,
incest and child abuse, but I assure you we draw the line at
tits."
A LOAF OF BREAD, TWO JUGS, AND THOU
In a related story, an Untrue News Poll recently
asked men "Are You Obsessed With Women's Breasts?" 96%
of the respondents said they needed, really needed to see and
perhaps touch the breasts in question before making a decision.
95% then asked where and how soon this could be accomplished.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?
A study commissioned by a group
advocating universal health coverage said
Americans
65 and older pay an average of 110% more today than they did 8
years ago for prescription medicine. "They pay higher prices
than anyone, because there’s no one bargaining on their
behalf." said Ron Pollack of Families USA. Kevin Kirk, 84, a
spokesman for senior Medicare recipients told Untrue News he would
have written a letter of complaint earlier, but could not afford
the $7.14 the post office was charging him for a first class
stamp.
THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WANTED
Celebrating
her 105th birthday, Lydia Doheny points to two of the nursing home
interns she'd like to do just one more time.
Special Food of the
Month issue.
George Bush chose Dick Cheney
as his running mate. This means if Bush is elected we'll have two
dicks in the white house. (HIT THEME, DISSOLVE TO STAGE, DENNIS
ENTERS, CUE APPLAUSE)
Industrial analysts reported a sharp rise
in the prices of gas, hot air, and manure, blaming increased
demand by the Republican National Convention. The price of hypocrisy
also shot up to new levels.
The
music industry's copyright infringement suit against Napster, an
internet music swapping service took a step backwards this week
when a federal appeals court granted Napster’s request for an
emergency stay. Meanwhile, Napster is suing
pre-teen Billy DeCamp of Elkton, Maryland, for
selling "Napster" lemonade at a homemade stand, and
displaying the Napster logo without their express permission.
Napster has hired Johnnie "I'll sue anyone" Cochran as
outside counsel. Cochran promised that young Billy "will be
vigorously and unsparingly examined in court on behalf of my
client."
Viewers' eyes got a bit wider last week
when a woman outside the window of NBC's TODAY Show opened her
blouse and exposed her breasts as the camera panned the audience.
Shaken NBC officials did their best to
control the damage, saying "we apologize to our viewers. We
deal with stories about violent sex crimes, murders, rape,
incest and child abuse, but I assure you we draw the line at
tits."
In a related story, an Untrue News Poll recently
asked men "Are You Obsessed With Women's Breasts?" 96%
of the respondents said they needed, really needed to see and
perhaps touch the breasts in question before making a decision.
95% then asked where and how soon this could be accomplished.
Americans
65 and older pay an average of 110% more today than they did 8
years ago for prescription medicine. "They pay higher prices
than anyone, because there’s no one bargaining on their
behalf." said Ron Pollack of Families USA. Kevin Kirk, 84, a
spokesman for senior Medicare recipients told Untrue News he would
have written a letter of complaint earlier, but could not afford
the $7.14 the post office was charging him for a first class
stamp.
