This edition of McGuffin's Untrue
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booing. They're saying 'Jewwww, Jewww.....'"
I AM NOT A CROOK
Bush's running mate,
vice-presidential candidate Dick Cheney will take early retirement
from the Halliburton Company, a Texas-based oil firm. Although
Halliburton forbids executives from reaping large rewards if they
leave the company before their contracted time is up, Cheney will
receive a retirement bonus of $20 million, in addition to his
salary of $12.5 million and stock options estimated to be worth
$39 million. During Cheney's tenure at Halliburton, the company
laid off thousands of workers, and reduced retirees medical
benefits to save money. When Untrue News asked for his comments,
an exultant Cheney laughed "And they say Lieberman's a
executives defended Cheney's compensation, saying "Look, he's
our next vice president. When a guy like that shows you his ass,
if you know what's good for you, you kiss it."
WORLDWIDE PANTS DROP
CBS and David Letterman's
production company, Worldwide Pants, apologized Thursday on behalf
of Craig Kilborne for a
graphic that was flashed on the screen during a news parody of the
Republican National Convention. The graphic, shown over a shot of
Bush's acceptance speech, read "Sniper Wanted". In a
joint statement, the two companies said, "This graphic should
not have been shown and is not consistent with our broadcast
standards." The remark surprised many Letterman
viewers, who were astonished to learn that CBS has broadcast
PARTING IS SUCH SWEET
Texas Governor George
W. Bush and his wife Laura wave goodbye to the 119th inmate
executed in his state since 1997. Gov. Bush told the prisoner
"Have a nice afterlife." .
Frank Langella and Whoopi Goldberg have
called a halt to their five years of togetherness. Asked if he
still loved Ms. Goldberg, Langella told Untrue News "Love her?
She can't even act!"
SAY HI TO NAPOLEON FOR ME
Shirley McClaine will star as
herself in a movie autobiography, according to her agent. The
film, which goes into production in the spring of 2001, will be
called "I Was Dead People." In a related story,
Ms. McClaine told Untrue News "Thanks to Dr. Max Gomberg,
Beverly Hills' best plastic surgeon, I've been reincarnated twice
in THIS life."
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NOT GUILTY ON A
James McDermott Jr., former CEO of
Keefe, Bruyette & Woods, a New York investment bank, was
sentenced to 8 months in prison and fined $25,000 for giving stock
information to Kathryn Gannon, a porn actress who works under the
name "Marilyn Star". McDermott was having an affair with
Ms. Gannon. McDermott's defense attorney Jack Litman told the
court his client was not guilty. Litman first tried to show that
Ms. Gannon was a greedy, money-grubbing prostitute, but soon
realized that didn't help his case, and switched tactics. "I
don't see how you can accuse my client of insider trading"
Litman told the court. "He had a friendship with Ms. Gannon,
yes, but he was never inside her."