"They're not booing. They're saying 'Jewwww, Jewww.....'"

 

Bush's running mate, vice-presidential candidate Dick Cheney will take early retirement from the Halliburton Company, a Texas-based oil firm. Although Halliburton forbids executives from reaping large rewards if they leave the company before their contracted time is up, Cheney will receive a retirement bonus of $20 million, in addition to his salary of $12.5 million and stock options estimated to be worth $39 million. During Cheney's tenure at Halliburton, the company laid off thousands of workers, and reduced retirees medical benefits to save money. When Untrue News asked for his comments, an exultant Cheney laughed "And they say Lieberman's a Jew!"

Other Halliburton executives defended Cheney's compensation, saying "Look, he's our next vice president. When a guy like that shows you his ass, if you know what's good for you, you kiss it."

 

CBS and David Letterman's production company, Worldwide Pants, apologized Thursday on behalf of Craig Kilborne for a graphic that was flashed on the screen during a news parody of the Republican National Convention. The graphic, shown over a shot of Bush's acceptance speech, read "Sniper Wanted". In a joint statement, the two companies said, "This graphic should not have been shown and is not consistent with our broadcast standards."  The remark surprised many Letterman viewers, who were astonished to learn that CBS has broadcast standards.

 

Texas Governor  George W. Bush and his wife Laura wave goodbye to the 119th inmate executed in his state since 1997. Gov. Bush told the prisoner "Have a nice afterlife." .

 

Frank Langella and Whoopi Goldberg have called a halt to their five years of togetherness. Asked if he still loved Ms. Goldberg, Langella told Untrue News "Love her? She can't even act!"

 

Shirley McClaine will star as herself in a movie autobiography, according to her agent. The film, which goes into production in the spring of 2001, will be called "I Was Dead People."  In a related story, Ms. McClaine told Untrue News "Thanks to Dr. Max Gomberg, Beverly Hills' best plastic surgeon, I've been reincarnated twice in THIS life."

 

If we can teach this six year old how to make a pipe bomb with household ingredients, we can teach you. Call or write today, American Pipe Bomb College, Box 111, Worcester, MA, 01613. Or visit our website www.blowupyourenemies.com    

James McDermott Jr., former CEO of Keefe, Bruyette & Woods, a New York investment bank, was sentenced to 8 months in prison and fined $25,000 for giving stock information to Kathryn Gannon, a porn actress who works under the name "Marilyn Star". McDermott was having an affair with Ms. Gannon. McDermott's defense attorney Jack Litman told the court his client was not guilty. Litman first tried to show that Ms. Gannon was a greedy, money-grubbing prostitute, but soon realized that didn't help his case, and switched tactics. "I don't see how you can accuse my client of insider trading" Litman told the court. "He had a friendship with Ms. Gannon, yes, but he was never inside her."