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August 19, 2000

This issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by the Chamber of Commerce of East St. Louis, Illinois, voted worst American city to live in for the 7th straight year. (Clearly the voters have never been to Baltimore). Consider locating your home and/or business in East St. Louis. Our advantages include low tax rate, affordable housing, cheap labor and mean cops. East St. Louis...we have nowhere to go but up!
 

SPECIAL DIET EDITION. Seven delicious foods that will help raise your weight, cholesterol and blood pressure (p.12); how chocolate fights cancer (p 16); fat, salt and saccharine, your best friends for good health (p 21); genetic corn perfumes flatulence (p. 25); get on the no-fiber diet (p 26).

 

CONVENTIONAL WISDOM

The Democratic National Convention was held in Los Angeles. We listened carefully to all the speeches. We haven't heard that much bullshit since the Republican National Convention.

 

RUSSIAN SHIPPING NEWS PART 1

Scientists aboard a Russian icebreaker discovered water at the north pole, said to be positive proof that global warming is taking place. Rush Limbaugh, who denies global warming as staunchly as he denies the holocaust or women's humanity, was asked by Untrue News for comment. Said Limbaugh "A RUSSIAN ship said so...and you believe them? Why don't you boys start listening to Americans like me, not dirtbag commie-liberal-democrats like them rooskies." Informed by a reporter that the word "rooskies" hadn't been used since Stanley Kubrick's "Dr. Strangelove" in 1964, Limbaugh repeated the statement, replacing "them rooskies" with " you reporters".

 

I BELIEVE IN YESTERDAY

Area residents bury a time capsule containing a Spice Girls cd, a tape of the quiz show "Greed", a DVD of "Autumn Sonata" and photos of the house guests on "Big Brother". The capsule will be dug up in two years to see if anyone can remember anything about any of the items.

 

RUSSIAN SHIPPING NEWS PART 2

Deep fears: Russians say crew of sub believed dead --- NBC News: Candidates fail to ignite youth vote --- Tiger stumbles in PGA, but still leads by one

A Russian submarine is trapped at the bottom of the North Atlantic, and it appears that time has run out for its crew. Russian rescue vehicles are at the scene, and Hollywood is helping out by assigning three of its top screenwriters to come up with a treatment on the sub thing.

 

THE GREAT AMERICAN PASTIME

In sports news today, some athletes did drugs.

 

IN DEEP

75 year old Coolidge Winesett, of Ivanhoe Virginia, was trapped for three days in the five-foot hole of a partially collapsed outhouse. Winesett was eventually rescued by his mail carrier. Interviewed by Untrue News about the experience, Winesett said as horrible as the experience was, it was better than watching "Scary Movie".

 

GOD BLESS AMERICA

At the Democratic National Convention, Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-CT) salutes the American Flag, while his wife points and laughs at the fat little man waving it.

 

UP YOURS

In addition to surgery to remove two malignant melanomas on his left arm and his temple, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) will have a polyp removed from his nose. The polyp was noticed after Sen. McCain's speech at the Republican National Convention. News of the polyp sent George W. Bush scurrying to his proctologist.

 

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. David Letterman--here's a good switch for you to pull on your show. Instead of the Top Ten list, say that CBS is trying to save money, and only do a top nine!!  Is that hilarious, or what? Then the next night say that they are really trying to save money, and only do a top eight. You can play this all the way down to one! It just gets funnier and less predictable every time. Just send the check to McGuffin, Box 111, San Leandro, CA. 94577 My endorsement on the check will constitute my permission for you to use my material, with standard Writers Guild of America minimum compensation for reruns and syndication rights etc as specified in the WGA agreement with CBS Television, which see.

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