This issue of
McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by the Chamber of
Commerce of East St. Louis, Illinois, voted worst American city to
live in for the 7th straight year. (Clearly the voters have never
been to Baltimore). Consider locating your home and/or business in
East St. Louis. Our advantages include low tax rate, affordable
housing, cheap labor and mean cops. East St. Louis...we have
nowhere to go but up!
DIET EDITION. Seven delicious foods that will
help raise your weight, cholesterol and blood pressure
(p.12); how chocolate fights cancer (p 16); fat, salt and
saccharine, your best friends for good health (p 21);
genetic corn perfumes flatulence (p. 25); get on the
no-fiber diet (p 26).
The Democratic National Convention was held in Los Angeles. We
listened carefully to all the speeches. We haven't heard that much
bullshit since the Republican National Convention.
RUSSIAN SHIPPING NEWS PART
Scientists aboard a Russian icebreaker discovered
water at the north pole, said to be positive proof that global
warming is taking place. Rush Limbaugh, who denies global warming
as staunchly as he denies the holocaust or women's humanity, was
asked by Untrue News for comment. Said Limbaugh "A RUSSIAN
ship said so...and you believe them? Why don't you boys start
listening to Americans like me, not dirtbag
commie-liberal-democrats like them rooskies." Informed by a
reporter that the word "rooskies" hadn't been used since
Stanley Kubrick's "Dr. Strangelove" in 1964, Limbaugh
repeated the statement, replacing "them rooskies" with
" you reporters".
I BELIEVE IN YESTERDAY
Area residents bury a time capsule containing a
Spice Girls cd, a tape of the quiz show "Greed", a DVD
of "Autumn Sonata" and photos of the house guests on
"Big Brother". The capsule will be dug up in two years
to see if anyone can remember anything about any of the items.
RUSSIAN SHIPPING NEWS PART
A Russian submarine is
trapped at the bottom of the North Atlantic, and it appears that
time has run out for its crew. Russian rescue vehicles are at the
scene, and Hollywood is helping out by assigning three of its top
screenwriters to come up with a treatment on the sub thing.
THE GREAT AMERICAN PASTIME
In sports news today,
some athletes did drugs.
year old Coolidge Winesett, of Ivanhoe Virginia, was trapped for
three days in the five-foot hole of a partially collapsed
outhouse. Winesett was eventually rescued by his mail carrier.
Interviewed by Untrue News about the experience, Winesett said as
horrible as the experience was, it was better than watching
GOD BLESS AMERICA
At the Democratic
National Convention, Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-CT) salutes the
American Flag, while his wife points and laughs at the fat little
man waving it.
In addition to surgery to remove two
malignant melanomas on his left arm and his temple, Sen. John
McCain (R-AZ) will have a polyp removed from his nose. The polyp
was noticed after
Sen. McCain's speech at the Republican
National Convention. News of the polyp sent George W. Bush
scurrying to his proctologist.