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December 2, 2000
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A STARTLING UPSET
"Dewey Defeats Truman"


SPECIAL SPANISH LANGUAGE EDITION. Saludos amigos.

OUR FEARLESS PRESIDENTIAL PREDICTION

It's Bush, it's Bush, it's Bush, it's Gore, it's Bush, it's Bush, it's Bush, wait...yep, it's Bush, it's Bush, it's Gore, it's Bush, it's Bush...we're gonna give this one to Bush.

AWW CANADA

Two weeks ago we said that Canada had already held its election. Our colleagues' ridicule and several street assaults upon our person have made us aware that the election was held on November 27. The winner was Jean Chretien. We apologize (not for the Chretien victory, but for misdating the Canadian election), and we say to M. Chretien, "Mangez moi, monsieur. Mangez moi."*

*(Congratulations, sir. Congratulations) 

CYBER-TRACKER please note: There are no items about JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE in this issue. That's none. As in zero. 

--Mark McGuffin, Editor

WHERE YOUR MONEY GOES

A recent study reports that the number of teens who have tried marijuana has decreased again for the third consecutive year. In 1997 44% of the teenagers surveyed reported they had tried the drug, last year's figure was 41% and this year 40%. Extrapolating from those results, if the 10-billion-dollars-a-year war on drugs continues until 2040, no teenagers will be experimenting with marijuana, and all the teenagers who tried it this year will be in their middle to late fifties. So we are winning the war comrades, we are winning.

In a related story, although the percentage of teens who use marijuana is down, the percentage of teens who use the drug Ecstasy is up a full 7% from last year. Our science reporter, Dr. Mel E. Levine says the study indicates that not trying marijuana is a gateway to harder drugs.

HUMOR PAGE

A Two Geezer Joke
First Geezer: Hey, have you heard about this? There's a new fad among college cheerleaders. It's called Geriatrics, the girls compete to see who can get it on with the oldest man. They pick up men in their 70's 80's and 90s and have sex with them.
Second Geezer: They do not!
First Geezer: I know, but spread the rumor.

A WING AND A PRAYER


Local elementary school students pray before boarding a twin-engine plane for a sightseeing ride. "The pilot didn't show up" said Arnelle Sheridan, 12, "and none of us has ever been in a plane before, much less flown one. But we're going to take turns at the controls and see what happens. I don't believe God will let us crash, not after we prayed so hard and everything."

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

GRINCH THIS, USPS

The U.S. Postal Service is stamping Christmas mail with a postmark reading "Happy Wholidays", a reference to Whoville in Dr. Suess's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Asked by a reporter why they didn't put the face of Jim Carey on a stamp, USPS execs said a person had to be dead before a likeness could be used. The reporter then asked why his dead grandmother's picture wasn't on a stamp. The executives were at a loss to answer.

LAST WEEK OUR SHOW BIZ QUIZ ASKED YOU TO NAME THE TEN WORST MOVIES EVER MADE. Most of our readers answered correctly, and people who selected any movie featuring Whoopi Goldberg or Dan Akroyd were not far wrong.
ANSWER: The ten worst movies are Yentl. Congratulations to the winners, too many to list.

PAMPER YOUR PET THIS CHRISTMAS
With McGuffin's Fine Dog and Cat Cosmetics

Send for our free catalogue of Pet Cosmetics and show your pets how much you love and care for them. They'll know you are thinking of them when they get a whiff of these doggie and kitty colognes, powders, sprays, and the always necessary mouthwash products.

A dazzling array of doggie soaps, kitty cleansers, wrinkle removers, hair loss prevention lotions, anti-aging crèmes, eyebright potions, anti-snore sprays, hair color, and paw beautifiers, plus Spray'N'Sniff (TM) anal deodorant and Tail-So-Soft (TM) tail gel, all made with the finest utility grade herbs and oils. Send for your free catalogue today, and see a sprightlier, healthier, happier pet in your home. Environmentally safe.

McGUFFIN'S PET COSMETICS ARE NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
Write to: McGuffin, Box 111, Montclair, NJ, 07042 or visit our website at Room 112, Carpenters' Hall, 40 East Division Street, Lima, Ohio.

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December 2, 2000
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