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December 9, 2000
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UNTRUE NEWS RECOMMENDS:
Robert Downey Jr. for President.

A better speaker than Al Gore

Better looking than Ralph Nader

Has better cocaine than George Bush

HAND JOB

On Friday night, the Florida Supreme Court ordered that all undercounted votes in the state be manually recounted. A deadline of 2 PM Sunday afternoon was set for completion of the count. A furious George W. Bush told Untrue News "Two days for a hand count? Look at my hands. One. Two. There, what the hell is so hard about that?"

FUZZY MATH

(excerpt of our exclusive interview
 with George W. Bush)

UNTRUE NEWS: How do things look for you now, Governor?
BUSH: It's too early to say. They have to count more than a million votes in Palm Beach County.
UT: It's 369,000 votes, Governor.
BUSH: Oh, sorry. I should have said three quarters of a million.

A SUBTRACTOR, NOT A DIVIDER

Stating that if he wins the election his number one priority will be the reunification of the nation, George W. Bush told reporters that the first step in uniting all Americans is the "elimination of Democrats." On the other hand, Democrats are claiming that the Bush presidency will be considered unhappy and illegitimate, because people keep referring to Bush as "that miserable bastard."

REPUBLICAN SMIRKS

GOV. GEORGE W. BUSH 
Our next president, maybe

Jeb Bush

GOV. JEB BUSH 
Our next president's brother, maybe

REP. TOM DELAY
Spiritual advisor

REP. BOB BARR
(asshole no matter who wins)

A CHEESY SOLUTION

In international news, Switzerland admitted that during World War II it had turned away great numbers of Gypsies who were fleeing Nazi persecution. Most of those who were refused entry remained in Germany and were subsequently killed in concentration camps. King of the Gypsies John Dembo called on Gypsies worldwide to boycott Swiss cheese. "That'll show those bastards." said Dembo.

 

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS:

BOMBS AWAY #1

Roger EbertFilm critic Roger Ebert gave the universally panned "Dungeons and Dragons" six thumbs down. "I never got along well with my late partner Gene Siskel" said Ebert, "but thank God he wasn't alive to see this."

BOMBS AWAY #2

Professional LicensingIn Los Angeles, a police Emergency Services Unit responded to a bomb threat at the USA Network. At ten thirty a.m. an anonymous caller phoned the offices to say that a bomb had been planted in a broom closet. The building was evacuated, but after a thorough search, the only thing found in the closet was Barry Diller.

LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFTS ALWAYS IN STOCK from MCGUFFIN'S GIFT SILO:

FOR THE KITCHEN:
Brussels Sprouts cooker. This chrome and enamel gem cooks Brussels Sprouts to tasty perfection every time. Simply add a measured amount of water, plug it in, and in just minutes you'll have tasty, healthful Brussels Sprouts, cooked just the way you like 'em.

Five pounds of Okra. Everyone loves okra, and what better way to send the spirit of the south to friends or relatives than this decorative, reusable gift box containing five pounds of the finest quality okra. Southern-grown by okra experts, this thoughtful gift says "Hey everybody, let's gumbo!"

FOR THE BATHROOM
Litter Box Aroma Intensifier. Ever wonder why your cat sometimes ignores his litter box? Perhaps the aroma isn't strong enough to entice kitty. Use our 10 oz. spray can of irritating chemicals and oils to strengthen litter box odors so your cat (and your guests) will always know where the rest room is.

CD's:
Whitney Houston "Louder, Longer, Louder"
Often called a "fourth-rate Diana Ross" Whitney earns the title with this new CD. 

Contains "Screaming" "Listen to me Yell" "Here Come the Hogs" "Shriek" others

Sarah McLachlan "Slower than Ever" 
The Queen of Tempo scores again with hits like "Two Weeks to Sing this Song" "Funeral Yodel" "Dinner Will Be Ready Next Friday" "Racing With A Slug" and more.

Jim Brickman "Popular But Why?" 
A greatest hits CD.

Mariah Carey "Getting Older"
Shallow reflections from the bimbo of pop.

BOOKS:
Ann Coulter Selects The World's Best Political Jokes 
Humor from fast talking, horse-faced Ann Coulter, the whore of babble on. Here's just a sampling of hilarious activist humor from Geraldo Rivera's favorite Fascist :
(What do you call the Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan?) Daddy.
(Why do Germans hate Jews?) What a stupid question.
(Why is a raven like a writing desk?) Because George W. Bush will be the greatest president in the history of the United States.

ORDER TODAY: McGuffin's Gifts, Box 111, Steubenville, Ohio 43952 
OUR GUARANTEE: Money back if completely satisfied.

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Dec.9, 2000
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