Come on people now,
Smile on my brother,
Everybody get together
And let's all try to smother
SPECIAL ELECTION FINAL
BUSH LICKS GORE
(Sure it would have been funnier as "Gore Licks Bush" but try telling that to the humorless conservatives.)
The recount is over, the votes are in, George W. Bush is our new President. Our long national nightmare has started.
President-elect Bush had a one word reaction to the news. "KEGGER!!!"
In an acceptance speech which followed Al Gore's concession, President elect Bush said "I will be guided by President Thomas Jefferson's sense of purpose, to stand for principle, to be reasonable in manner, and above all, to father the child of my slave Sally Hemmings."
BUSH APPOINTS NADER AMBASSADOR TO ARUBA.
President-elect George Bush is expected to appoint Ralph Nader ambassador to the
Caribbean island of Aruba, officials said today. The appointment is in gratitude for Nader's sloughing off enough votes from Gore to ensure the presidency for Bush. "I've got to hand it to the guy" said an exultant George W. "And believe me, I'm going to. That pasty little twerp could use a good suntan, and that's what Aruba is all about."
The stock market reaction to Bush's election resulted in a 300 point drop in the Dow Jones industrial averages in the past three days. Asked about the plunge, the president elect told Untrue News "It's down now, but as soon as the market finds out that I really believe in the big-business, military-industrial complex, and that I intend to do away with social security and
Medicare, it should shoot right up again."
THE PUBLIC RECORD--MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
Franklin D. Roosevelt: waged war against the axis powers, proposed the "New Deal."
Richard M. Nixon: eased relations with China.
Lyndon B. Johnson: Presided over civil rights legislation.
Ronald Reagan: Sowed seeds for the destruction of Soviet
George W. Bush: Used the word "asshole" in public.
Meanwhile outgoing President William Jefferson Clinton said he would continue to lobby for the legalization of Cuban cigars "for obvious reasons."
SOMETHING'S IN THE AIR
Now that the election results are final, Al Gore can go back to Tennessee, Joe Lieberman can go back to Connecticut, and Florida's Secretary of State Katherine Harris can go back to blowing Jeb Bush. See you in the Bahamas, Madame Ambassador.
G.M., WE BEAT GOOD THINGS TO DEATH
General Motors announced a major restructuring that will discontinue production of the Oldsmobile, and close two plants in England and Germany. General Motors chairman and CEO John F. Smith Jr. told Untrue News that the company was planning other cutbacks to insure it's financial health, such as no longer paying employees a living wage, skimping on safety equipment, and building more factories in Mexico. Asked if cutbacks were planned in the salaries and perks received by GM's top five executives, Chairman Smith told Untrue News "Sure. We'll cut back our salaries when Buick makes a good car." The executive boardroom exploded with laughter and applause.
UNTRUE NEWS WAS PLEASED TO BE A FLY ON THE WALL AT THE FIRST BUSH-CHENEY MEETING AFTER THE SUPREME COURT DECISION.
BUSH: Well buddy, here we are, the will of the people has been done. CHENEY: Not exactly, Mr. President, you did lose the popular vote. BUSH: Talk like that could earn you a disloyalty badge, Dickie. Say it too loud and Richard Mellon Scaife cuts off the money like THAT. Then we'd have to dip into our own billions. Is that what you want? CHENEY: You're right, I was just being honest. It won't happen again. BUSH: That's better. Now I think we should have fun during these eight years. Listen, here's what I had in mind. How about we appoint one of them Democrat Jewboys ambassador to Palestine? CHENEY: Palestine is not officially a country, Mr. President. BUSH: Oh? Well to one of them camel jockey countries anyway, what do you say? CHENEY: How about Syria? BUSH: Is that a country? CHENEY: An Arab country. BUSH: Hot damn! Can you see it? He'll be sittin' around sayin' "Hey, where's the kosher food? Where's the rabbis? Where's them funny little beanies I wear?" Hahahaha. CHENEY: He won't know what hit him. BUSH: Then...this is the one that really kills me, Trent Lott thought of it...we appoint a darkie as ambassador to Ireland. Wheeeehehehehehe. Yee-haw! CHENEY: I love it bigtime. BUSH: Get Jesse Jackson on the phone, see if he goes for it. CHENEY: The darkies have phones now? BUSH: Hyukyukyuk, you kill me Dickie boy. Now let's get down to some serious work here. Tax cuts. I figure a 99 percent cut. CHENEY: For everyone? BUSH: No, just for the top one percent. Here's how it works, top one percent of earners, ninety-nine percent tax cut. Bottom ninety-nine percent of earners, one percent tax cut. You can't fault the math on that, it balances perfect. CHENEY: Mr. President, I...argghhh, I...haaaa....I....yaaaagggghhh.
CHENEY FALLS TO THE FLOOR, CLUTCHING HIS HEART, THEN LIES STILL. BUSH INSPECTS THE BODY, TAKES A HANDKERCHIEF OUT OF HIS POCKET AND COVERS CHENEY'S FACE. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE.
BUSH: Get me the Florida Governor's mansion. Hello little bro? Can you get up here pronto? How would you like to be vice-president of the U.S. of A.?