"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."        December 30, 2000

DUKE NUKEM

President elect Dick Cheney has ordered a speech tutor for George W. Bush. Dr. Addison E. Sinclair, a phoneticist, will attempt to teach Mr. Bush how to pronounce the word "nuclear". President elect Cheney told Untrue News "If W. is perceived as having his finger on the button, he ought to learn how to say 'nuclear' and not 'nucular'  (sic) as he now does. It  makes him sound stupid." 

Asked if he was making progress, Dr. Sinclair said "I've been trying for two weeks. I've taught retarded children, I've taught autistic children, so I have a certain amount of patience, but this bozo...I just want to slap the guy."

BY THE NUMBERS

The US Census Bureau set the official population of the United States at 281,421,906. The Bureau went on to say that of these,  210,556,901 are hopeless dickheads.

WHITMAN, SPARE THAT TREE

President elect Cheney has named NJ Gov Christine Todd Whitman to head the Environmental Protection Agency. Governor Whitman said her first priority would be to allow logging of Redwood trees. "The Redwood is old, it is venerable, it is a mighty tree, giant and sturdy," said Whitman "But to be honest, that's why it makes such great lumber."

A Look Sideways.............................4
16 Traditional Tofu
      New Year Recipes...........................7
LETTERS: "You miserable
     unfunny queers"................................9
Readers Reply Poll: 
        The 50 Worst Beers of 2000..........14
The Y2K1 Bug. Have you
        REALLY got enough food...............18
How to gain weight after the parties....22
Miller's High Life wins
     Readers Reply Poll...........................26 

RHETORICAL QUESTION

"Please don't tell me how to unplug my own outdoor Christmas lights.  Do I look  stupid to you?  All I do is pull this out and..."

WHEN COMEDY WAS KING

My wife is learning how to drive...
She's taking a crash course.
(Bring your own drums)

TILL CASH DO US PART

The photos from the Michael Douglas--Catherine Zeta Jones wedding were sold to the highest bidder. Catherine Zeta Jones received five million dollars from Penthouse, with a like amount being paid to Mr. Douglas by AARP Magazine.

COST CONTROL

Disney Chairman Michael Eisner said the studio had entered into a "really unique" deal with all of  its talent involved in the production of its $125-million epic, Pearl Harbor. "The talent was so interested in making Pearl Harbor," Eisner told Untrue News reporter Avon Proctor, "that every one of them has taken a deferral of their fees. They will not get paid most of their compensation until we first recoup all our costs. In other words, they won't be making big money until we make big money ... and, quite frankly, I think we're all going to do very well, even after our head accountant screws them out of sixty or seventy percent of their share." 

SELL THROUGH THE PAIN

Melanie Griffith has found a new cure for what ails her. Since announcing that she was addicted to painkillers, the actress has been keeping a "Recovery Journal" (www.melaniegriffith.com). The latest installment directs readers to a site that hawks products for "magnetic healing." In a related story, Robert Downey Jr. has signed an agreement with Linstead Products, a company that makes short steel straws, tiny mirrors and single edge razor blades. 

CHILLY SCENES OF WINTER

Winter's first snowfall and a pedestrian hurries home in this artistic photograph taken in Winnipeg on August 14, 2000.

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Happy New Year; Safe New Year. Take your choice.