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February 19, 2000

This week's edition of Untrue News is brought to you by ACA, the Association of Contract Attorneys, serving America since 1929.

For purposes of the statement above, the term "serving" shall be construed to mean rendering a service to, or rendering a service for hire to, including but not limited to legal services in the area of contractual law, or in other areas of the law in which the attorneys associated with the Association of Contract Attorneys may practice.  Readers of the sentence above (hereinafter referred to as "the sentence" shall indemnify and hold harmless from any and all liability for any injury real or perceived which may accrue from a misreading or from an accurate reading of the sentence, and no damages of any kind, actual or punitive shall be brought against the Association of Contract Attorneys for any reason whatsoever resulting from conditions associated with the sentence.  Not to be construed as a guarantee that such services as mentioned in the sentence will continue.  The term "1929" shall be understood to refer to the period including but not limited to the years 1926--1934.  For entertainment purposes only. 

  TRUMPED

Donald Trump and Ingrid SeynhaeveDonald Trump said he will not run for President. In an exclusive interview with Untrue News, Trump told our political reporter Tom Tettrazzini "I had to bow out of the race.  The fact is, as soon as my candidacy became public, the comedians started making fun of me. Honestly, their ridicule brought tears to my eyes.  They mocked my hair, my billions of dollars, my vast real estate holdings, my mansions and penthouse apartments, the breathtakingly beautiful and astonishingly sexy young models I sleep with, my whole elegant lifestyle.  Why me?  What have I ever done to anyone?"

  WHERE'S ANNE HECHE WHEN YOU NEED HER?

Portrait of Jodie Foster

Actress Julianne Moore is set to star as the Clarice Starling character in the sequel to the film "Silence of the Lambs".  The role was originally slated for Jodie Foster, who subsequently withdrew.  When Untrue News inquired about her future plans, Foster denied she was a lesbian.

  WILL SHE SETTLE FOR A TAPE OF TOMMY AND PAM?

Rock Band Motley CrueAccording to the St. Petersburg (Florida) Times, Motley Crue bass player Nikki Sixx is named in a lawsuit by a Hudson Florida woman.  Josephine Allen sued the musician, claiming Sixx hurled his bass guitar into the crowd during a 1997 performance. striking her in the head.  The suit says Mrs. Allen suffered brain damage and has trouble concentrating.  Insiders close to the case say Sixx's attorney Kent Whittemore will argue that Mrs. Allen's brain damage existed before the event, as evidenced by the fact that she attended a Motley Crue concert.

  CLEOPATRA JR.

Jaycie Costello, 9, shows her science class what appears to be a deadly coral snake.  The snake is actually a harmless milk snake which camouflages itself as a coral snake to fool predators.  Asked later if she had a match, Jaycie replied "Yeah.  Your face and my asp."

  TRUE NEWS

From the Untrue News archive of really true news stories that really happened:

Black-Footed Ferret in Snow

During a New Year's Day rally for animal rights, 41 year old Pat Wright, a computer programmer in San Diego was displaying his pet ferret Rocky, as he called on the city to amend its anti-ferret laws.  "Ferrets are gentle and loving animals and make wonderful pets" said Wright, just seconds before Rocky fiercely attacked and bit a television cameraman, severely injuring his hand.

  DON'T BE A LOSER.

Enter our Howard Stern Contest! First read the paragraph below, then read the easy contest rules.

Radio Personality Howard Stern"Recently divorced radio shock jock Howard Stern, a heroin addicted hermaphrodite who favors late term abortion and lowering the drinking age for girls to 15, told Untrue News that he has several other wives who he secretly married in the past 16 years.  In addition, Stern, who did seven years hard time in New York State's Attica prison for attempted murder, is wanted on statutory rape charges in the states of Georgia and Delaware."

UNTRUE NEWS HOWARD STERN CONTEST RULES.

1. One of the "facts" stated in the paragraph above is untrue.  Tell us which one.
2. Email your answer to mcguffin@untruenews.com
3. Three winners will be chosen at random from all correct answers received.
4. Winners will be notified by email

ENTER NOW!!  GOOD LUCK!!

  A CARTOON BY A. C. BIJLOO

Artistic Decision by A.C. Bijloo

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McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. For a list of losers write Box 111, Flagstaff, Arizona 86001.

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