This week's edition of Untrue News is
brought to you by ACA, the Association of Contract Attorneys, serving America since 1929.
For purposes of the statement above,
the term "serving" shall be construed to mean rendering a service to, or rendering a service
for hire to, including but not limited to legal services in the area of contractual law, or
in other areas of the law in which the attorneys associated with the Association of Contract
Attorneys may practice. Readers of the sentence above (hereinafter referred to as "the
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sentence. Not to be construed as a guarantee that such services as mentioned in the
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including but not limited to the years 1926--1934. For entertainment purposes only.
TRUMPED
Donald Trump said he will not
run for President. In an exclusive interview with Untrue News, Trump told our political
reporter Tom Tettrazzini "I had to bow out of the race. The fact is, as soon as my
candidacy became public, the comedians started making fun of me. Honestly, their ridicule
brought tears to my eyes. They mocked my hair, my billions of dollars, my vast real
estate holdings, my mansions and penthouse apartments, the breathtakingly beautiful and
astonishingly sexy young models I sleep with, my whole elegant lifestyle. Why me?
What have I ever done to anyone?"
WHERE'S ANNE HECHE WHEN YOU NEED HER?
Actress Julianne Moore is set to star as the Clarice Starling character in the
sequel to the film "Silence of the Lambs". The role was originally slated for Jodie
Foster, who subsequently withdrew. When Untrue News inquired about her future plans,
Foster denied she was a lesbian.
WILL SHE SETTLE FOR A TAPE OF TOMMY AND PAM?
According to the St. Petersburg (Florida)
Times, Motley Crue bass player Nikki Sixx is named in a lawsuit by a Hudson Florida woman.
Josephine Allen sued the musician, claiming Sixx hurled his bass guitar into the crowd during
a 1997 performance. striking her in the head. The suit says Mrs. Allen suffered brain
damage and has trouble concentrating. Insiders close to the case say Sixx's attorney
Kent Whittemore will argue that Mrs. Allen's brain damage existed before the event, as
evidenced by the fact that she attended a Motley Crue concert.
CLEOPATRA JR.
Jaycie Costello, 9, shows her science class what appears to be a deadly coral snake.
The snake is actually a harmless milk snake which camouflages itself as a coral snake to fool
predators. Asked later if she had a match, Jaycie replied "Yeah. Your face and my
asp."
TRUE NEWS
From the Untrue News archive of really true news stories that really happened:
During a New Year's Day rally for animal rights, 41 year old Pat Wright, a
computer programmer in San Diego was displaying his pet ferret Rocky, as he called on the
city to amend its anti-ferret laws. "Ferrets are gentle and loving animals and make
wonderful pets" said Wright, just seconds before Rocky fiercely attacked and bit a television
cameraman, severely injuring his hand.
DON'T BE A LOSER.
Enter our Howard Stern Contest! First read the paragraph below, then read the easy contest
rules.
"Recently divorced radio shock jock Howard
Stern, a heroin addicted hermaphrodite who favors late term abortion and lowering the
drinking age for girls to 15, told Untrue News that he has several other wives who he
secretly married in the past 16 years. In addition, Stern, who did seven years hard
time in New York State's Attica prison for attempted murder, is wanted on statutory rape
charges in the states of Georgia and Delaware."
UNTRUE NEWS HOWARD STERN CONTEST RULES.
1. One of the "facts" stated in the paragraph above is
untrue. Tell us which one.
2. Email your answer to
mcguffin@untruenews.com
3. Three winners will be chosen at random from all correct answers received.
4. Winners will be notified by email
ENTER NOW!! GOOD LUCK!!
A CARTOON BY A. C. BIJLOO
Artistic Decision by A.C. Bijloo
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
DAVID LETTERMAN SAYS:
"Hi, I know I've been here before, but during the recuperation from my recent quintuple
bypass surgery, this website has meant more than ever to me. See, just like everyone else, I
enjoy a good laugh, and that's what I get here at Untrue News. Well, sometimes, hah hah
hah. So just as I'd like you to pay attention to my sponsors and buy their products,
I'd also like you to click on a couple of the ads you see here on Untrue News, my favorite
web site. And in appreciation, I'll do one of my top ten lists just for you.
Okay? Top ten reasons a cabbage is a more interesting dinner companion than Yasmine
Bleeth. Number ten...What? We're out of time? We have no time for this, is
that what you're saying? Huh? What? Huh? We do have time? We
DON'T have time. Okay, click an ad, watch my show, goodnight ladies and gentlemen."
Donald Trump said he will not
run for President. In an exclusive interview with Untrue News, Trump told our political
reporter Tom Tettrazzini "I had to bow out of the race. The fact is, as soon as my
candidacy became public, the comedians started making fun of me. Honestly, their ridicule
brought tears to my eyes. They mocked my hair, my billions of dollars, my vast real
estate holdings, my mansions and penthouse apartments, the breathtakingly beautiful and
astonishingly sexy young models I sleep with, my whole elegant lifestyle. Why me?
What have I ever done to anyone?" 
According to the St. Petersburg (Florida)
Times, Motley Crue bass player Nikki Sixx is named in a lawsuit by a Hudson Florida woman.
Josephine Allen sued the musician, claiming Sixx hurled his bass guitar into the crowd during
a 1997 performance. striking her in the head. The suit says Mrs. Allen suffered brain
damage and has trouble concentrating. Insiders close to the case say Sixx's attorney
Kent Whittemore will argue that Mrs. Allen's brain damage existed before the event, as
evidenced by the fact that she attended a Motley Crue concert. 
"Recently divorced radio shock jock Howard
Stern, a heroin addicted hermaphrodite who favors late term abortion and lowering the
drinking age for girls to 15, told Untrue News that he has several other wives who he
secretly married in the past 16 years. In addition, Stern, who did seven years hard
time in New York State's Attica prison for attempted murder, is wanted on statutory rape
charges in the states of Georgia and Delaware." 
