January 8, 2000

  DON IMUS BLOWS INTO 21ST CENTURY

Radio talk show bully boy and surly alcoholic Don Imus is suing the Untrue News for libel, slander and defamation of character, according to papers filed last week in Manhattan civil court. The $12.5 million suit is based on an article which appeared recently in these pages. In the article, Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin wrote "The fact that Don Imus, a talentless, arrogant, repellent, infantile, mean-spirited, nasty, lying loudmouth is still on the air marks him as one of the luckiest human beings on the face of the earth." Imus' attorney Jack Litman said "Imus is so far from even remotely resembling a human being, our lawsuit will win itself."

  OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOURNING

Girls Checking Silk for Flaws

Bill Bowerman, co-founder of the Nike shoe empire, died last week at the age of 88. He was mourned by dozens of 9 and 10 year old Malaysian girls who were paid six cents an hour for their services.

  I BELIEVE THE CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE

  GUEST ESSAY: ALBERT EINSTEIN
by Tiffany Welch, age 14, Dearborn School.

Photo of a teen girl Okay, so they asked me to write about someone famous so I saw this picture of Albert Einstein? So I go to the library and I'm like "do you have anything on this guy?" So the librarian is all like "here's an issue of Time Magazine, Einstein was chosen person of the century." so I look him up and it says he died in 1955. I mean my DAD wasn't even born then. So I'm like "duh! How could he be person of the century if he's dead?" Could they be more vacant? It's SO stupid. I gotta go.

  THAT WAS THEN--THIS IS NOW

In My Rearview Mirror: Commentary by Mark McGuffin

Jane Fonda and Ted Turner This new century, the 21st, is a week and a day old and looking back to the way the world was two weeks ago we can see how antique it seems. Boris Yeltsin was the President of Russia. Ted Turner and Jane Fonda were still together, Bill Parcells was coaching the Jets, and John Rocker was a respected baseball player. Can we learn anything from the lessons of the past? Not bloody likely. --MM

  AULD LANG SYNE

Marcie and Bob Watson of New Haven, CT, at Yale-New Haven Hospital with their son Joshua, the first baby of the millennium. With them is their other son Gavin, 3, who will spend the rest of his life trying to get over it.

JENNIFER LOVE HEWETT NUDE maybe. See page 3.

Page 3 this way

 

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