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January 8, 2000

This weeks' issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by Amtrak, America's premiere railway service. Amtrak----three days without a major crash, and counting!

  SURVIVORS

WE ARE SURVIVORS
by Untrue News editor Mark McGuffin

291093

As Untrue News predicted way back in April, the Y2K bug hit the world with a vengeance last week. People swarmed into the streets to be together during the time of catastrophe. Huge explosions were heard in many areas of the world as clocks reached midnight. Traffic was banned from midtown Manhattan by New York City police, as a 500 pound Waterford crystal ball plummeted from a Times Square tower. Schools were closed. Most businesses were shut down and did not reopen until the following Monday. Strange lights resembling fireworks plagued London and the Thames river turned smoky. Attempts to buy and sell stock on the three major exchanges were fruitless. It was impossible to find a dry cleaner whose doors were not locked. Public transportation was minimal. Many people drank to excess. Telephone lines were jammed. Churches were filled to capacity as people fell to their knees and prayed. We realize the scope of the disaster and personal human tragedy caused by the Y2K bug, but as we have seen this past week, the people of the world are strong enough to survive and carry on just as if there had been no problem at all. --MM

  BYE BYE BORIS

In the last political act of 1999, Boris Yeltsin resigned as the President of Russia on Dec. 31. Yeltsin said he wanted to leave the hurly-burly of political life to live quietly and spend more time with his friends, Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam and Old Mr. Boston.

  NEXT TIME, TAKE THE EXTENDED SERVICE CONTRACT

Astronauts released the newly repaired Hubble Space Telescope from the space shuttle Discovery last week and scientists eagerly awaited its return to service. The $3 billion observatory had been stranded in orbit since mid-November with four of its six navigational gyroscopes broken. NASA said they expected the telescope to be fully functional for 91 days, until just after the expiration of the parts warranty.

  WHERE ARE ALL THE NEW YOUNG COMEDIANS?

"So the boy says 'that's not poopoo, it's doodoo'. So the second boy says 'that's not doodoo, it's caca'. So the teacher says..."

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