January 15, 2000

  GET RICH QUICK

UNTRUE NEWS GOES PUBLIC! Like most Internet startup companies, Untrue News is going public.  As a special thank-you to our loyal readers, we are able to reserve stock in Untrue News for you at the IPO price of only $21. per share.  Whoa, it's climbing, it's now $32.00 per share.  Wait, it just climbed to $57.25.  Now it's $104.  Better do a little profit taking.  Ooops, it just slipped back to $4.50.  Sorry.

  MY HEART BELONGS TO DADDY

Melissa Etheridge revealed that the father of her children is David Crosby.  Says Etheridge "I selected David, because I really want my children to have the genes of a big fat crack addict."

  HERE COME THE JUDGE

The US Supreme Court ruled this week that running from a police officer is sufficient grounds for police to stop and search.  According to Chief Justice William Rhenquist, "This is great.  We're not that far from 'use all necessary force' which means the police can start shooting those darkies in the back when they run."  Asked whether he thought the use of the term "darkies" was not demeaning, inappropriate and racist, the Chief Justice replied "Please--I was being as polite as possible."  Justice Clarence Thomas, in a separate opinion, agreed.

   

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  WHERE HAVE ALL THE FLOWERED HOUSECOATS GONE?

The Sylvan Estates Nursing Home evicted its 120 elderly tenants and closed its doors last week. It will be torn down to make room for a supermarket and a dry cleaners.  Shown is an artist's rendering of what the destroyed home  will look like.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

What would they do if they found out marijuana cures pedophilia?

RONALD McDONALD SAYS:

"Oh man, if they catch me here, are they ever gonna sue these people, because I'm a trademarked symbol of McDonalds, but I just had to come over and ask you to please click on a couple sponsors right here at my favorite chat site, Fool Moon.  See, for every click, another customer comes into a McDonald's restaurant.  In fact, I'd say for every click about ten MILLION customers come into a McDonald's restaurant.  Anyway, there are sponsors right here on this page.  Please click on them.  You're good people, I mean that.  Have you ever considered clowning as a profession?

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