TOP SECRET
GWYNETH PALTROW & METALLICA X-RATED VIDEO
We heard one exists. If you know of anybody who has a copy,
please get in touch, as we haven't been able to find one anywhere, and we're
beginning to think we gave our twenty dollars to that guy in the bar for nothing.
THE BELLS ARE RINGING
Major
telephone companies worldwide are locked in a fierce battle to see which service
can reduce the most customers to tears.
OWWW CANADA
Alan
Rock, the health minister of Canada, proposed that Canadian tobacco companies
place pictures of cancerous lungs, lips, etc. on cigarette packs, in hopes it
will encourage people to quit. In a related story, the FCC asked congress
to require Howard Stern's radio program be labeled with the picture of a
vomiting maggot. Neither proposal is expected to get much attention.
WARNING: SPORTS JOKE
In an exclusive interview, we asked Israeli Prime Minister
Barak if he thought there was danger from Jordan.
He said "Yes, I
believe he'll be able to turn the Wizards around."
DEATH WITHOUT PAROLE
Gina Reese's job is to play "The Hot Canary" just outside the
Florida death chamber whenever an inmate is being electrocuted. The supreme
court will rule shortly on ACLU complaints that subjecting condemned inmates to
her playing constitutes "cruel and unusual punishment."
THE SOUTH PARK
KIDS SAY:
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright
2004 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.
Dear Jane Fonda, I understand how difficult it is when a marriage
falls apart. If you'd like to talk, please feel free to call
me at any time. --Mark McGuffin.
Alan
Rock, the health minister of Canada, proposed that Canadian tobacco companies
place pictures of cancerous lungs, lips, etc. on cigarette packs, in hopes it
will encourage people to quit. In a related story, the FCC asked congress
to require Howard Stern's radio program be labeled with the picture of a
vomiting maggot. Neither proposal is expected to get much attention.
In an exclusive interview, we asked Israeli Prime Minister
Barak if he thought there was danger from Jordan.
