week's issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by the makers of the
delicious spread "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" who say "if you really can't
believe it's not butter, we'd like you to take a look at this penny stock we're
offering in a typewriter company, it's never been cheaper!"
FATE WORSE THAN DEATH
indicted for the murderer of 15 year-old Martha Moxley 25 years ago in the
wealthy enclave of Greenwich, Connecticut must be charged as a juvenile, because
he was only 15 at the time the crime was committed. If the 40 year-old
Skakel is found guilty, he'll be locked in a juvenile detention center with
teenagers for 3 years...which in our opinion is punishment enough for any crime
he may have committed.
OUR ENLIGHTENED SENATORS #105
Jesse Helms (R-SC) a longtime critic of the United Nations, became the first
legislator to speak before the Security Council this week. In the past,
Senator Helms has called the UN "Orwellian." Asked to define "Orwellian",
the Senator told Untrue News "as any idiot knows, it means someone who's an
airhead, it's named after the inventor of the airplane, Orwell Wright."
DAY WITHOUT A PRICE RISE IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE
citrus canker is invading lime trees in Florida groves. The canker, which can
only be destroyed by burning, may spread to orange and grapefruit trees as well.
Asked if there were a danger that entire groves would be destroyed, Citrus
Growers of Florida spokesman Ray Crosette said "All I can tell you is, if this
keeps up, orange juice prices will rise by 3-5 cents per quart at the wholesale
level." When a reporter inquired how long the threat was expected to last,
Crosette said "Until just after we can get the price of orange juice up by
3-5 cents per quart at the wholesale level."
SCIENCE KEEPS ON MOVING #214
Johns Hopkins University have successfully created a genetically altered human
being in the laboratory. But project chief Dr. Miles Redmond says the
specimen, shown here, "needs a lot more work before we can truly consider it
AN OFFICER AND A GENTLE MAN
before he begins his televised speech, Marine Corps Commandant General James
Jones is reminded by Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Jay Johnson about the
military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy.