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January 22, 2000

This week's issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by the makers of the delicious spread "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" who say "if you really can't believe it's not butter, we'd like you to take a look at this penny stock we're offering in a typewriter company, it's never been cheaper!"

  A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH

Michael Skakel, indicted for the murderer of 15 year-old Martha Moxley 25 years ago in the wealthy enclave of Greenwich, Connecticut must be charged as a juvenile, because he was only 15 at the time the crime was committed.  If the 40 year-old Skakel is found guilty, he'll be locked in a juvenile detention center with teenagers for 3 years...which in our opinion is punishment enough for any crime he may have committed.

  OUR ENLIGHTENED SENATORS #105

Senator Jesse Helms (R-SC) a longtime critic of the United Nations, became the first legislator to speak before the Security Council this week.  In the past, Senator Helms has called the UN "Orwellian."  Asked to define "Orwellian", the Senator told Untrue News "as any idiot knows, it means someone who's an airhead, it's named after the inventor of the airplane, Orwell Wright."

  A DAY WITHOUT A PRICE RISE IS LIKE A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE

An incurable citrus canker is invading lime trees in Florida groves. The canker, which can only be destroyed by burning, may spread to orange and grapefruit trees as well.  Asked if there were a danger that entire groves would be destroyed, Citrus Growers of Florida spokesman Ray Crosette said "All I can tell you is, if this keeps up, orange juice prices will rise by 3-5 cents per quart at the wholesale level."  When a reporter inquired how long the threat was expected to last, Crosette said "Until just after we can get the  price of orange juice up by 3-5 cents per quart at the wholesale level."

  SCIENCE KEEPS ON MOVING #214

Scientists at Johns Hopkins University have successfully created a genetically altered human being in the laboratory.  But project chief Dr. Miles Redmond says the specimen, shown here, "needs a lot more work before we can truly consider it human".

  AN OFFICER AND A GENTLE MAN

Moments before he begins his televised speech, Marine Corps Commandant General James Jones is reminded by Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Jay Johnson about the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

THE TOP SECRET GWYNETH PALTROW & METALLICA X-RATED VIDEO.
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