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GIVING THEM THE NEEDLE
the record number of executions in Texas since he became governor, George W. Bush told
Untrue News "It proves that I am truly a compassionate conservative. Conservative because I
put people to death, compassionate because I feel bad about it."
NEVER MEANT TO BE
Bill Cosby's untitled TV movie in which he
was to play a character who fathers a love child has been shelved following differences
between Cosby and the movie's producers, cable channel TNT. Insiders say TNT wanted a movie
that was truthful and funny, while Cosby wanted to do it his way.
Town Zoning Board members explain to the public how they manage to drive
Porsches, live in $2 million homes and maintain apartments in Paris and the Caribbean on a
$36,000 annual salary.
THEY OWN MILLER BEER, TOO
The Philip Morris Company purchased Nabisco, and merged it with it's other
food company, Kraft. The new entity formed from the merger of Kraft and Nabisco will be
called Kranabis, and will sell food and uh, other items as the name implies.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A SCHMUCK AND TALKS LIKE A SCHMUCK...
GOP Senate candidate Rick Lazio
attacked the Clintons Monday in upstate New York for not doing enough to combat high
gasoline prices. "The first lady should get out of the motorcade, check the prices at the
pump and join me today in fighting for the repeal of the Clinton-Gore gas tax." The
Clinton-Gore gas tax?? Like there hasn't been a federal and state tax on gasoline
since 1939? Oooh-eee, throw him some crutches mama, this Lazio guy is LAME.
No, the little bald man standing next to the Attorney General is not a
mouthpiece for Ms. Reno, Ms. Reno speaks for herself. Next question.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
THESE KIDS TODAY...
Officials at the Park Rapids, Minnesota, Area High School censored the
school yearbook before it was distributed, blacking out phrases school administrators
believe were improper. Members of the yearbook staff say they were directed to black out
student catch-phrases such as "Score," "New Shoes," "Sweet Butter," "Where's the Party?"
and "I'm goin' to town."
For those of you not as hep to the jive as Untrue News, here's a little
glossary of the student catch phrases used above:
"Score" - Drink. As in "I SCORED some coke last night."
"New Shoes" - I am leaving forever, I'm taking the kids, the cash and
the car, don't ever try to contact me again. As in "How do you like my NEW SHOES?"
"Sweet Butter" - What Marlon Brando spread all over Maria Schneider in
"Last Tango in Paris". As in "Hey, let's go see that sweet butter movie again."
"Where's The Party?" - Where's the party? As in "Yo, WHERE'S THE
"I'm goin' to town." - A) have sex B) have an appointment
with the periodontist. As in "I'd like to GO TO TOWN with you but I'M GOIN' TO TOWN."