July 1 2000 Untrue News

GIVING THEM THE NEEDLE

Speaking about the record number of executions in Texas since he became governor, George W. Bush told Untrue News "It proves that I am truly a compassionate conservative. Conservative because I put people to death, compassionate because I feel bad about it."

NEVER MEANT TO BE

Bill Cosby's untitled TV movie in which he was to play a character who fathers a love child has been shelved following differences between Cosby and the movie's producers, cable channel TNT. Insiders say TNT wanted a movie that was truthful and funny, while Cosby wanted to do it his way.

FINANCIAL WIZARDS

Town Zoning Board members explain to the public how they manage to drive Porsches, live in $2 million homes and maintain apartments in Paris and the Caribbean on a $36,000 annual salary.

THEY OWN MILLER BEER, TOO

The Philip Morris Company purchased Nabisco, and merged it with it's other food company, Kraft. The new entity formed from the merger of Kraft and Nabisco will be called Kranabis, and will sell food and uh, other items as the name implies.

IF IT WALKS LIKE A SCHMUCK AND TALKS LIKE A SCHMUCK...

GOP Senate candidate Rick Lazio attacked the Clintons Monday in upstate New York for not doing enough to combat high gasoline prices. "The first lady should get out of the motorcade, check the prices at the pump and join me today in fighting for the repeal of the Clinton-Gore gas tax." The Clinton-Gore gas tax?? Like there hasn't been a federal and state tax on gasoline since 1939? Oooh-eee, throw him some crutches mama, this Lazio guy is LAME.

No, the little bald man standing next to the Attorney General is not a mouthpiece for Ms. Reno, Ms. Reno speaks for herself. Next question.

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THESE KIDS TODAY...

Officials at the Park Rapids, Minnesota, Area High School censored the school yearbook before it was distributed, blacking out phrases school administrators believe were improper. Members of the yearbook staff say they were directed to black out student catch-phrases such as "Score," "New Shoes," "Sweet Butter," "Where's the Party?" and "I'm goin' to town."

For those of you not as hep to the jive as Untrue News, here's a little glossary of the student catch phrases used above:

	"Score" - Drink. As in "I SCORED some coke last night."
	"New Shoes" - I am leaving forever, I'm taking the kids, the cash and the car, don't ever try to contact me again. As in "How do you like my NEW SHOES?"
	"Sweet Butter" - What Marlon Brando spread all over Maria Schneider in "Last Tango in Paris". As in "Hey, let's go see that sweet butter movie again."
	"Where's The Party?" - Where's the party? As in "Yo, WHERE'S THE PARTY?"
	"I'm goin' to town." - A) have sex B) have an appointment with the periodontist. As in "I'd like to GO TO TOWN with you but I'M GOIN' TO TOWN."