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July 15, 2000

SPECIAL ETHEL MERMAN "I Got Rhythm" EDITION

This issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is sponsored by Dr. Levy's Stiffer™, the all-natural alternative to Viagra. Stiffer contains no harsh chemicals, nothing concocted (if you'll pardon the expression) in a laboratory. Its main ingredient Cantharides, also called "Spanish Fly", has been used as a sexual stimulant for hundreds of years, and consists of the dried and ground bodies of blister beetles. Once you overcome your initial disgust, you'll find Cantharides to be a healthful, less expensive alternative to Viagra and pornography as a safe and effective way to "get it up and keep it there". The next time you find yourself in Mexico or Thailand, ask for Dr. Levy's Stiffer, and throw away prescription pills forever. Dr. Levy's fine products are made in Mexico by a real doctor, Dr. Levy. You must be over 14 years of age to purchase this product in Mexico. (No such restrictions apply in Thailand.)
CAUTION:  Not for external use.
CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

In Philadelphia, Thomas Jones, 30, is accused of leading police on a chase in a stolen patrol car Wednesday after firing at them. Officers returned fire, with several shots hitting Jones. One officer was shot in the hand, though it was not clear if by Jones or another policeman. The wounded suspect was dragged from the police car and kicked and beaten by police for about 30 seconds while a news helicopter hovered overhead.  Police Chief John Timoney told NBC’s “Today” show on Thursday that the beating was justified. “Even though he was shot five times,” Timoney said, “he was still resisting.” Asked for further details, Timoney told Untrue News the wounded Jones was "bleeding, crying, writhing in agony and vomiting. If that's not resisting, I don't know what is!"

 

HOW LIBERAL CAN YOU GET?

On the same day that a NY Times poll indicated a continuing racial division in America, George W. Bush addressed members of the NAACP, attempting to dispel his image as a "white man's candidate."  Bush told his audience "You colored boys and girls can make all the difference."  Bush also praised the black women for their "housecleaning abilities and wonderful gospel singing voices" and the men for their "awesome oversize genitalia."

 

WORD PLAY

Our Desperate For Something To Fill This Space Dictionary defines "dipthong" as a skimpy bathing suit worn by a dork.

GET ME MY AGENT

"These lines need rewriting. I don't think my character would refer to himself as 'a young balding geek with a comb-over'."

 

ONWARD AND UPWARD

Mothers graphicUntrue News has received an advance look at the 5th volume in J.K. Rowling's fabulously successful Harry Potter series. The book, to be published next year, is tentatively titled "Harry Potter And The Magical Studio Sellout". The plot concerns Harry's journey to Hollywood where he battles evil producers and agents and risks losing his powers of enchantment when he gives up creative control over three films and a television series based on his life.

 

BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING WHO?

One of the contestants on CBS's Big Brother, identified on the air only as William, is in fact a close associate of Khalid Abdul Muhammad, who was ousted from the Nation of Islam for incendiary comments about Jews.  CBS spokesman Chris Ender declined to discuss the matter except to say, "We feel very comfortable about William's participating in Big Brother. Besides, you don't seriously think we'd put a Jew in that house, do you? So what's the big deal?" 

 

EAT HERE, GET GAS

 

"I love peanuts but they make me fart."

 

SING HERE, GET GAS

Barbra Streisand will hold a fund raising concert for Al Gore shortly after the Vice President is officially nominated as the Democratic Party's Presidential choice for 2000. Tickets for the concert will cost $50,000 per couple, making the concert affordable only to owners of gasoline stations.

 

WORD PLAY TOO

Our Even More Desperate For Something To Fill This Space Dictionary defines "daffodil" as a yellow flower of the narcissus family.

 

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright © 2000 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. FLASH!  Heterosexual male buys Peter Allen CD.  More news on this breaking story as it develops

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