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CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
In Philadelphia, Thomas Jones, 30, is accused of
leading police on a chase in a stolen patrol car Wednesday
after firing at them. Officers returned fire, with several
shots hitting Jones. One officer was shot in the hand, though
it was not clear if by Jones or another policeman. The wounded
suspect was dragged from the police car and kicked and beaten
by police for about 30 seconds while a news helicopter hovered
overhead. Police Chief John Timoney told NBC’s
“Today” show on Thursday that the beating was justified.
“Even though he was shot five times,” Timoney said, “he
was still resisting.” Asked for further details, Timoney
told Untrue News the wounded Jones was "bleeding, crying,
writhing in agony and vomiting. If that's not resisting, I
don't know what is!"
HOW LIBERAL CAN YOU GET?
the same day that a NY Times poll indicated a continuing
racial division in America, George W. Bush addressed members
of the NAACP, attempting to dispel his image as a "white
man's candidate." Bush told his audience "You
colored boys and girls can make all the difference."
Bush also praised the black women for their
"housecleaning abilities and wonderful gospel singing
voices" and the men for their "awesome oversize
Our Desperate For Something To Fill This
Space Dictionary defines "dipthong" as a skimpy
bathing suit worn by a dork.
GET ME MY AGENT
"These lines need rewriting. I don't think
my character would refer to himself as 'a young balding geek
with a comb-over'."
ONWARD AND UPWARD
Untrue News has received an advance look at the 5th
volume in J.K. Rowling's fabulously successful Harry Potter
series. The book, to be published next year, is tentatively titled
"Harry Potter And The Magical Studio Sellout". The plot
concerns Harry's journey to Hollywood where he battles evil
producers and agents and risks losing his powers of enchantment
when he gives up creative control over three films and a
television series based on his life.
BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING WHO?
One of the contestants on CBS's Big Brother,
identified on the air only as William, is in fact a close
associate of Khalid Abdul Muhammad, who was ousted from the Nation
of Islam for incendiary comments about Jews. CBS spokesman
Chris Ender declined to discuss the matter except to say, "We
feel very comfortable about William's participating in Big
Brother. Besides, you don't seriously think we'd put a Jew in that
house, do you? So what's the big deal?"
EAT HERE, GET GAS
"I love peanuts but they make me fart."
SING HERE, GET GAS
Streisand will hold a fund raising concert for Al Gore shortly
after the Vice President is officially nominated as the Democratic
Party's Presidential choice for 2000. Tickets for the concert will
cost $50,000 per couple, making the concert affordable only to
owners of gasoline stations.
WORD PLAY TOO
Our Even More Desperate For Something To
Fill This Space Dictionary defines "daffodil" as
a yellow flower of the narcissus family.