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July 22, 2000

This week's issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by the Yale Online University/State Of Connecticut (USOC) Tourist Development Board. Send a dollar for our booklet "After Amistad--What?" which includes ten things you might want to see or do after visiting the Amistad Museum.

Cover Photo - Barricades On Highway Construction Project1. Take a nice walk on one of our many sidewalks (city) or shoulders (rural).

 

2. Watch men operate giant earth-moving machines and steamrollers as Connecticut widens the I-95. You'll have plenty of time to look, as traffic slows down considerably throughout these areas.

3. There are many types of pollen allergens in Connecticut. Can you name them all?

 

here 4. Tick-proofing Your Family Can be Fun. etc.

 

Don't delay, call your travel agent now and start enjoying all the benefits of the Nutmeg or Constitution State. Open your mind at Yale University, and your wallet at the Foxwood Casino. Thrill to concert audiences who still think Motley Crue is a viable act. Delight in the efficient law enforcement officers who arrest you and charge you with possession of drug paraphernalia (a pack of matches). Try buying liquor after eight p.m. Visit Connecticut. It's as dull as your state, but it closes earlier.

The USOC website has combined with the Willimantic Idylls, Narragansett Dreams website, reach us now at USOC-WIND.COM

AND THEY'RE SO SHREWD ABOUT BUSINESS

Opponents of Hillary Clinton have accused her of using a religious slur against a former campaign manager of her husband's. Mrs. Clinton allegedly called the man a "f---ing Jew bastard" following an Arkansas race which Mr. Clinton lost by a narrow margin. Reached for comment by Untrue News, Mrs. Clinton said "I may have called him a bastard. I may even have used the F word. But Jew? Please. There are some places even I won't go." Speaking of the charges, President Clinton said "It's a bunch of crap. Some of my richest contributors are Jews."

Political analysts as well as the general public believe Mrs. Clinton did make the anti-Semitic comment. According to a Clinton senate campaign spokesman, "So she called the guy an effing Jew bastard. And this hurts her how?"

 

FUNNY GIRL

Word of Barbra Streisand's concert for Al Gore, for which patrons will pay $50,000 per couple, as revealed here last week, brought back memories of an old friendship between Ms. Streisand and our TV and Television critic Richard Millicent Mile. Mile writes: "Babs is such a dear. I last saw her thirty years ago and she hasn't aged a single day. She looked sixty then, and she looks sixty now."

 

LIMITED BENEFITS

Aetna Insurance Company Chairman William Donaldson, at left, shakes hands with Aetna's top salesman for first quarter 2000, Chip Cadderly. Cadderly was named Salesman of the Quarter for selling more than six million dollars worth of premiums, against two hundred dollars in paid claims. The prize includes a trip for two to Hawaii and a company logo sweatshirt.

THE FRAUD MOTOR COMPANY

The Ford Motor Company is defending a lawsuit by a New Jersey man whose wife was killed by an airbag in a low speed collision, suggesting that the man may have strangled his wife. Despite the fact that the accident occurred when the victim was driving, with her husband in the passenger seat and their child strapped behind in an infant seat, Ford bought...err brought evidence to show that the deceased may have been strangled. When the outraged husband brought a defamation of character lawsuit against Ford, their attorneys fought back, saying if the judge allowed the defamation suit to go forward it would "chill the bar from doing its job of representing clients." In his closing statement, Ford lawyer Floyd Abrams went on to say "if defense attorneys cannot manufacture evidence, lie, cheat, tamper with juries, make knowingly false accusations, suborn perjury and bribe judges without fear of punitive lawsuits, what chance do criminals have in this society? Your honor, justice cries out to be heard here."

 

SUE CITY

SPICE GIRLSThe former musical act Spice Girls was ordered to pay legal fees to a company they had unsuccessfully sued. Fuming, one of the Girls, Whatsername Spice, told Untrue News, "We'll nought pie. Snot feh then isit? Gull powa!" No one else associated with the band could be reached for comment, and a translation of the remarks was not available.

 

TAKE ME. OUT TO THE BALL GAME


Grainy photograph purporting to show Babe Ruth (2nd uniform from left), Ty Cobb (4th uniform from left) and Lou Gherig (last uniform on right) as children playing together on a little league team. Never authenticated, the photo sold for $12,000 on eBay to an Iranian investor.

 

NOW VOYAGER

Our friends at Le Engañaremos Travel Agency (a division of Untrue News Corp) are booking a "Disasters Tour" which includes a visit to Pearl Harbor, a visit to San Francisco earthquake sites, Billy Idol's "Cyberpunk" cd, Dennis Rodman's marriage to Carmen Electra and the movie "X-Men". 

 

 

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