This week's issue of McGuffin's Untrue News
is brought to you by the Yale Online University/State Of
Connecticut (USOC) Tourist Development Board. Send a dollar for
our booklet "After Amistad--What?" which includes ten
things you might want to see or do after visiting the Amistad
Museum.
1.
Take a nice walk on one of our many sidewalks (city) or
shoulders (rural).
2. Watch men operate giant earth-moving machines
and steamrollers as Connecticut widens the I-95. You'll have
plenty of time to look, as traffic slows down considerably
throughout these areas.
3. There
are many types of pollen allergens in Connecticut. Can you
name them all?
4. Tick-proofing Your Family Can be Fun. etc.
Don't delay, call your travel agent now and
start enjoying all the benefits of the Nutmeg or Constitution
State. Open your mind at Yale University, and your wallet at the
Foxwood Casino. Thrill to concert audiences who still think Motley
Crue is a viable act. Delight in the efficient law enforcement
officers who arrest you and charge you with possession of drug
paraphernalia (a pack of matches). Try buying liquor after eight
p.m. Visit Connecticut. It's as dull as your state, but it closes
earlier.
The USOC website has combined with the
Willimantic Idylls, Narragansett Dreams website, reach us now at
USOC-WIND.COM
AND THEY'RE SO SHREWD ABOUT BUSINESS
Opponents of Hillary Clinton have accused her of using a
religious slur against a former campaign manager of her
husband's. Mrs. Clinton allegedly called the man a "f---ing
Jew bastard" following an Arkansas race which Mr. Clinton
lost by a narrow margin. Reached for comment by Untrue News,
Mrs. Clinton said "I may have called him a bastard. I may
even have used the F word. But Jew? Please. There are some
places even I won't go." Speaking of the charges,
President Clinton said "It's a bunch of crap. Some of my
richest contributors are Jews."
Political analysts as well as the general
public believe Mrs. Clinton did make the anti-Semitic comment.
According to a Clinton senate campaign spokesman, "So she
called the guy an effing Jew bastard. And this hurts her
how?"
FUNNY GIRL
Word of Barbra Streisand's concert
for Al Gore, for which patrons will pay $50,000 per couple, as
revealed here last week, brought back memories of an old
friendship between Ms. Streisand and our TV and Television
critic Richard Millicent Mile. Mile writes: "Babs is such
a dear. I last saw her thirty years ago and she hasn't aged a
single day. She looked sixty then, and she looks sixty
now."
LIMITED BENEFITS
Aetna Insurance Company Chairman William Donaldson,
at left, shakes hands with Aetna's top salesman for first quarter
2000, Chip Cadderly. Cadderly was named Salesman of the Quarter
for selling more than six million dollars worth of premiums,
against two hundred dollars in paid claims. The prize includes a
trip for two to Hawaii and a company logo sweatshirt.
THE FRAUD MOTOR COMPANY
The Ford Motor Company is defending a lawsuit
by a New Jersey man whose wife was killed by an airbag in a
low speed collision, suggesting that the man may have
strangled his wife. Despite the fact that the accident
occurred when the victim was driving, with her husband in the
passenger seat and their child strapped behind in an infant
seat, Ford bought...err brought evidence to show that the
deceased may have been strangled. When the outraged husband
brought a defamation of character lawsuit against Ford, their
attorneys fought back, saying if the judge allowed the
defamation suit to go forward it would "chill the bar
from doing its job of representing clients." In his
closing statement, Ford lawyer Floyd Abrams went on to say
"if defense attorneys cannot manufacture evidence, lie,
cheat, tamper with juries, make knowingly false accusations,
suborn perjury and bribe judges without fear of punitive
lawsuits, what chance do criminals have in this society? Your
honor, justice cries out to be heard here."
SUE CITY
The former musical act
Spice Girls was ordered to pay legal fees to a company they
had unsuccessfully sued. Fuming, one of the Girls, Whatsername
Spice, told Untrue News, "We'll nought pie. Snot feh then
isit? Gull powa!" No one else associated with the band
could be reached for comment, and a translation of the remarks
was not available.
TAKE ME. OUT TO THE BALL GAME
Grainy photograph purporting to show Babe Ruth (2nd uniform
from left), Ty Cobb (4th uniform from left) and Lou Gherig
(last uniform on right) as children playing together on a
little league team. Never authenticated, the photo sold for
$12,000 on eBay to an Iranian investor.
NOW VOYAGER
Our friends at Le Engañaremos Travel Agency (a
division of Untrue News Corp) are booking a "Disasters
Tour" which includes a visit to Pearl Harbor, a visit to
San Francisco earthquake sites, Billy Idol's
"Cyberpunk" cd, Dennis Rodman's marriage to Carmen
Electra and the movie "X-Men".
1.
Take a nice walk on one of our many sidewalks (city) or
shoulders (rural).
2. Watch men operate giant earth-moving machines
and steamrollers as Connecticut widens the I-95. You'll have
plenty of time to look, as traffic slows down considerably
throughout these areas.
3. There
are many types of pollen allergens in Connecticut. Can you
name them all?
Word of Barbra Streisand's concert
for Al Gore, for which patrons will pay $50,000 per couple, as
revealed here last week, brought back memories of an old
friendship between Ms. Streisand and our TV and Television
critic Richard Millicent Mile. Mile writes: "Babs is such
a dear. I last saw her thirty years ago and she hasn't aged a
single day. She looked sixty then, and she looks sixty
now."
The former musical act
Spice Girls was ordered to pay legal fees to a company they
had unsuccessfully sued. Fuming, one of the Girls, Whatsername
Spice, told Untrue News, "We'll nought pie. Snot feh then
isit? Gull powa!" No one else associated with the band
could be reached for comment, and a translation of the remarks
was not available.
