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June 3, 2000

This edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by The Gap, makers of t-shirts, tops, shorts and slacks in new cool pastels for summer. Enjoy soft blueberry cream, tangy cranberry, cool lime, sensuous mango, refreshing watermelon and mellow banana. Fall into the Gap today and say "Give me some of those fruity colors, please."

GET ME JOHNNIE COCHRAN

O.J. Simpson's girlfriend allegedly attacked him last week at a Miami hotel, Dade County police said. Both Simpson and his girlfriend, 25 year old Christie Prody, denied the charges. Prody said she was chipping golf shots on the hotel lawn at the time, and is launching a search for the real attacker.

 

OH THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL

In Manhattan, WCBS-TV weatherman Mark Danon was charged with buying cocaine between his 6 p.m. and 11 p.m. broadcasts. Police said they became suspicious of Danon when his 6 PM forecast included the prediction "sunny and mild throughout the northeast, with two grams of snow on the corner of 10th Avenue and 18th Street ."

 

PROFIT: IMPOSSIBLE

Paramount's Mission:Impossible 2 earned $59 million over the first three days of the Memorial Day weekend. That's about three dollars per explosion.

To date Mission: Impossible 2 has grossed more than $75 million. However Exec Producer Terence Chang told Untrue News "We don't expect any of our back end profit participants to see any money. The film cost over $350 million to make and promote." Asked to justify the high cost, Chang replied "Tom took 20 mil in front. The shooting cost $10 million. The advertising and distribution cost was another $10 million. That's $350 million right there!"

 

OH DAVE!

Five people were killed and two more hospitalized after a brutal robbery-murder at a New York City Wendy's. The deaths mark a first for Wendy's. Usually people who go there just get really really sick.

 

TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW


Mary Venereal hears the ten millionth joke about her last name.

SCIENCE STRIKES OUT

by Untrue News Science Editor Dr. Mel E. Levine

 

I didn't get the gig I wanted, MC of the regular Monday Midnight Amateur Nights at Smiley Face in Decatur, Illinois, but you can catch my act on Tuesday June 6, at the Nutt Hut in Tifton Georgia between Macon and Valdosta, a little closer to Valdosta. I'll be opening for a very funny guy, Mr. Rob Bartlett. All you good folks in the southern Georgia area please come on down. In the field of science, I heard they were cloning sheep or something, wow, what won't they think of next? It's pretty amazing. -- MEL

 

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Please welcome a new sponsor to Untrue News, Dr. Levy's fine products

Angry Woman in Bathrobe and CurlersI HAD THE TERRIBLE TWOS BLUES!

If you're the mom of a toddler, you know exactly what I mean. They don't call it the terrible twos for nothing. You've got tantrums, stubbornness, willfulness, rage, hysteria, violence, spit-up food, destructive behavior and phlegmy summer colds.

Honestly, I tried everything, discipline, rewards and punishment, extra love and attention, spankings, withholding food, lucid explanation, but nothing I did worked. Then one day a friend told me about Dr. Levy's Baby-B-Good. You can't get it here, but it's readily available in Mexico. It's a great tasting chewable tablet kids will love. 

Couple Smiling with their Sleeping ToddlerWell, I don't have the time or money to be running to Mexico but my friend does, and she brought me back a bottle of Dr. Levy's Baby-B-Good. Or you can order it on the Internet, at http://Drlevysfineproducts.com . After the first dose, my shrieking two year old was smiling and sitting calmly in a corner, playing with an imaginary ball. It was the first time the house had been quiet for weeks. With continued dosage according to package instructions, my toddler's behavior improved to the point where he now sleeps most of the time. It's the best mothering experience I've ever had. I'd recommend Dr. Levy's for any two year old. And mom, save a couple tabs for yourself!

Dr. Levy's Baby-B-Good tablets, and Baby-B-Good liquid come in smooth vanilla or tangy lemon flavor. Get over the "terrible twos blues" with Dr. Levy's Baby-B-Good. Made in Mexico by a real doctor, Dr. Levy.

THE BEST AND THE BRIGHTEST

We are the world,
We are the children,
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start givin'.

(If you'd like this FREE "We Are the World" poster for your home or office, simply send ten dollars to McGuffin, Box 111, Fairfield, Ohio 45014.Please add $16.95 S&H)

Picture of Budweiser Beer Bodybuilders FlexingWe welcome our newest sponsor, Anheuser-Busch.

"When you've exercised everything else...don't forget your kidneys." Anheuser-Busch, since 1860 over ten billion gallons recycled

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. These kids today with their ecstasy and their rave clubs. When I was a kid we were perfectly happy to do a few joints and a couple lines at a friend's house.

Our Staff

 

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