Crime victims in Sweden, one of the world's most Internet-wired countries, will soon be able to report crimes and file police reports on the Web. In the United States, police officials said they knew of no departments using the Internet to accept reports. Said Los Angeles Police Chief Bernard Parks "We'd like to do it, we're equipped to do it, but nobody here speaks Swedish."

 

British Prime Minister Tony Blair has vigorously condemned the movie U-571 as an affront to British sailors during World War II. The movie depicts the capture of the Enigma coding machine from a Nazi sub as an American operation, when it fact it was conducted by the British Navy. Blair said, "We hope that people realize these are people that, in many cases sacrificed their lives in order that this country remain free."  In reply, Jack Velenti, chairman of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences said "Oh, whine whine whine you little British pansy, we're Hollywood."

Worst Double Metaphor Mismatch of the Year award to Attorney Dan Zeidman, who represents the San Diego Police Officers Union, speaking about the accidental publication of officers' unlisted phone numbers and addresses in the San Diego white pages. Zeidman said  "It's kind of impossible to un-ring that bell and put the toothpaste back in the tube."  Congratulations, Dan, it's gonna be hard to top that one.

 

The "queen of nice" hosts the Tony awards, along with Rosie O'Donnell.

 

Children's Television Workshop, producers of Sesame Street announced Monday that it is changing its name. In a statement, the company said that it didn't want to be thought of as just a TV company. "Our new name captures the essence of who we are" it said. CTW's new name will be "The Greedy Shitheads Who Are Taking Quote Research Unquote Trips to Paris and Other European Capitals on Your Tax Dollars, Yet Who Make Millions Aggressively Marketing Formerly Adorable Characters Once Used For Educational Purposes Workshop."  We'll see you at the fund-raiser!

 

An Untrue News Editorial, by Editor In Chief Mark McGuffin

OUR LEADERS ARE TELLING THE TRUTH

Theodore A. Postol, an arms expert at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has issued a strong criticism of the government's proposed antimissile defense system. According to Postol's evidence, all flight tests of the $60 billion weapon have been rigged to hide a fundamental flaw: The system cannot distinguish between enemy warheads and decoys. Untrue News cannot believe Mr. Postol's story. It would mean that the Pentagon is lying to the American people, and things like that just don't happen. It would be like saying that Eisenhower lied to America about the Francis Gary Powers U-2 spy plane incident. It would mean that Kennedy lied about Cuba, and Lyndon Johnson lied about Viet Nam, and Nixon lied about Watergate, and Bush lied about Iran-Contra and no new taxes, and Clinton lied about everything. No. America does not accept liars as chief executives. We never have and we never will. To say otherwise flies in the face of all that is right and true and good about this beloved country.

 -- Mark McGuffin