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June 10, 2000

This week's edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by Dr. Levy's fine products, makers of Dr. Levy's Baby-B-Good for helping you and your toddler cope with the "terrible twos", plus Dr. Levy's Al-Cool (Flavored Alcohol Teething Potion), to help ease discomfort of teething, and Dr. Levy's Kiddy-Lax, an herbal drink designed to speed toilet training. When in Mexico, ask for Dr. Levy's fine products. Made in Mexico by a real doctor, Dr. Levy.
WHERE IS INGMAR BERGMAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

Crime victims in Sweden, one of the world's most Internet-wired countries, will soon be able to report crimes and file police reports on the Web. In the United States, police officials said they knew of no departments using the Internet to accept reports. Said Los Angeles Police Chief Bernard Parks "We'd like to do it, we're equipped to do it, but nobody here speaks Swedish."

 

WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES

iraqBritish Prime Minister Tony Blair has vigorously condemned the movie U-571 as an affront to British sailors during World War II. The movie depicts the capture of the Enigma coding machine from a Nazi sub as an American operation, when it fact it was conducted by the British Navy. Blair said, "We hope that people realize these are people that, in many cases sacrificed their lives in order that this country remain free."  In reply, Jack Velenti, chairman of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences said "Oh, whine whine whine you little British pansy, we're Hollywood."

HE SAID IT, I DIDN'T

Toothbrush And PasteWorst Double Metaphor Mismatch of the Year award to Attorney Dan Zeidman, who represents the San Diego Police Officers Union, speaking about the accidental publication of officers' unlisted phone numbers and addresses in the San Diego white pages. Zeidman said  "It's kind of impossible to un-ring that bell and put the toothpaste back in the tube."  Congratulations, Dan, it's gonna be hard to top that one.

 

TONY'S CLOSET

The "queen of nice" hosts the Tony awards, along with Rosie O'Donnell.

 

TICKLE ME ACCOUNTANT

Children's Television Workshop, producers of Sesame Street announced Monday that it is changing its name. In a statement, the company said that it didn't want to be thought of as just a TV company. "Our new name captures the essence of who we are" it said. CTW's new name will be "The Greedy Shitheads Who Are Taking Quote Research Unquote Trips to Paris and Other European Capitals on Your Tax Dollars, Yet Who Make Millions Aggressively Marketing Formerly Adorable Characters Once Used For Educational Purposes Workshop."  We'll see you at the fund-raiser!

 

GOING POSTOL

An Untrue News Editorial, by Editor In Chief Mark McGuffin

OUR LEADERS ARE TELLING THE TRUTH

Theodore A. Postol, an arms expert at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has issued a strong criticism of the government's proposed antimissile defense system. According to Postol's evidence, all flight tests of the $60 billion weapon have been rigged to hide a fundamental flaw: The system cannot distinguish between enemy warheads and decoys. Untrue News cannot believe Mr. Postol's story. It would mean that the Pentagon is lying to the American people, and things like that just don't happen. It would be like saying that Eisenhower lied to America about the Francis Gary Powers U-2 spy plane incident. It would mean that Kennedy lied about Cuba, and Lyndon Johnson lied about Viet Nam, and Nixon lied about Watergate, and Bush lied about Iran-Contra and no new taxes, and Clinton lied about everything. No. America does not accept liars as chief executives. We never have and we never will. To say otherwise flies in the face of all that is right and true and good about this beloved country.

 -- Mark McGuffin

 

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FINALLY A FRIENDLY VIRUS

VIRUS ALERT:  Untrue News has been alerted to a new virus which can get into your hard drive and delete anything unfunny. The new virus has already destroyed the hard drives of the guy who plays Dame Edna Everidge, the person who keeps sending me those "How To Tell You're Married To A Jewish Girl" jokes, and Dan Ackroyd.

TAKE THAT, MISTER HASSLER

Local resident Jerry Travis of North Main Street uses a trash bag and road litter to demonstrate how, in his fantasy, he'd like to kill his boss, chop the body into little pieces and dispose of it along a highway. Travis repeats his self-narrated demonstration each weekday after work.

ABOUT THE EDITOR

Mark McGuffin's most recent book is "Last Chapters--the surprise twist endings to 500 classic mystery novels, short stories, suspense thrillers, and adventures". Mr. McGuffin's book brings together in one volume the trick endings of some of the most famous stories, novels, films and plays in the world. It's all here, the switch in O. Henry's "The Gift of the Magi", (they've each sold the thing the other bought the gift for), the shocking surprise discovery in Agatha Christie's "The Murder of Roger Ackyroyd" (the narrator did it), the final scene of "The MouseTrap" (it was the detective), the amazing finale of "The Usual Suspects" (Kevin Spacey is Kaiser Sose) it's all here from A. Conan Doyle and Edgar Allen Poe to Mary Higgins Clark and Robert Parker, if it's a surprise or a twist ending, it's in "Last Chapters". This book is so hot no publisher will touch it!!  But we've made it available to you through this special offer. Don't delay, save yourself years of reading by looking at the end and getting it over with. Only $14.95 plus $21.95 S&H to McGuffin, PO Box 111,  Newport News, VA  23607

New! $14.95 plus $21.95 S&H

Be sure to read McGuffin's other best sellers "Hey Fatso!" and Hey Fatso! II"

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Congress may repeal the estate and inheritance tax. I'll bet Ted Binion's girlfriend is kicking herself right now.

Our Staff

 

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