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June 17, 2000

This weeks' issue of Untrue News is brought to you by Dr. Levy's fine products. We are proud of our entire line of products including Canna-Bismol, for soothing baby's colic and upset stomach and increasing appetite. And nonaddictive Uppity-Up-Up, with just the right amount of coca leaf to relieve sluggishness and help fat babies reach their ideal weight. We also make Baby-B-Good and Al-Cool flavored alcohol teething potion. All of Dr. Levy's fine products are available in Mexico and now in Thailand. Made in Mexico by a real doctor, Dr. Levy. 
WHO SAID YOU HAVE TO BE SMART?

An Iranian defector who said he could prove Iran was responsible for the 1988 Lockerbie airliner bombing has been exposed by the CIA and FBI as an impostor, The Washington Post reported this week. Investigators said they had an inkling the man was a fake when they asked him for identification and he told them his dog ate it.

 

LISTEN IN, GET GAS

While the front page of the New York Times published a report indicating possible dire consequences as a result of global warming, Rush Limbaugh on his radio show said the Rain Forest was not in danger. A Save The Rain Forest spokesman told Untrue News "We could actually remove 40% of the noxious emissions from the atmosphere if we could only get Rush Limbaugh to shut up."

 

AND SPEAKING OF RACISTS...

Don Imus was recently accused of bigotry for making racist jokes on his morning radio program. Speaking candidly to Untrue News, Imus said "I'm not a bigot."  Asked why he had no black employees or staff members, Imus growled "Look, not being a bigot and knowing who not to hire are two different things.

 

YOU'LL BE SORRY, YOU'LL ALL BE SORRY

That's right. Run. Run like barnacles deserting a sinking ship. No wait, it's not barnacles, it's rats deserting a sinking ship. Go ahead, leave me here, run, scatter like monkeys when someone turns on the light. Oh no, that's wrong too, it's roaches that scatter, not monkeys. Damn it!  How can I have a violent revenge fantasy when I can't even get the similes right?  I am so useless!

RES IPSO LOQUITOR

Four women sued the Sheraton Hotel chain, claiming that they made far less money than male executives of the hotel and were routinely treated as though they were stupid. Defendant's attorney Trey Schallert pointed out that the four women were paid less because "they are part-time chambermaids, while the male employees named in the suit are executives." On hearing this, one of the plaintiffs, Arlene Brecher, sighed "I guess we're gonna lose on the stupid part, too."

 

JUST WRITE A SONG FOR HIS FUNERAL AND SHUT UP

British pop legend Elton John attacked the leader of Scotland's Roman Catholics Thursday for his "ignorance" over homosexuality. The gay singer was responding to an article written last week by Cardinal Thomas Winning in which the priest said homosexuals were ensnared in "a lifestyle that can never respond to the deepest longings of the human heart."  John, who lives with his long-time male partner, said "As a gay man I am perfectly happy with my sexuality and my life. I can honestly say that the deepest longings of my heart are satisfied, as I have my money and Maurice. And Darren. And Bertie now and again."  John did take the time to compliment the Cardinal's attire.

 

DEFAMATION BY CARICATURE

Every so often Untrue News runs across an item that requires no fixing. Here is one from apbnews.com. In San Diego, the "Clearasil Bandit" was named for his severe acne problem. After the zit faced robber was caught he was so distressed by the description, he tried to sue the government."

 

YOU CAN CALL ME AL FRESCO

CITY OPENS NEW AFFORDABLE HOUSING UNITS

PEERAGE

Princess Madeleine, youngest daughter of King Carl of Sweden, celebrated her 18th birthday on Saturday. The Princess has one more year at her Swedish school after which she plans to study abroad. A horse-rider since the age of four, she is a proficient show jumper and says she is interested in a career as an interior designer, but first wants to pass her driving test.

 

Dear Princess Madeleine,

If you are considering schooling in the United States, which I hope you are, I would like to recommend Canisius College in Buffalo, New York. It has an excellent academic record, their basketball team is not that good but I'm sure that will be of little interest to you. Buffalo is a fine city and as you are from Sweden, you should not mind their cold cold winters very much. Buffalo is also near Niagara Falls, one of the Seven Wonders of the Modern World. You can keep horses there too. I have to admit I have a selfish reason in suggesting all this. You see, Buffalo is near where I live and it would be a joy for me to know that your presence graces the area. And if you need some driving lessons, I used to be a substitute Drivers' Ed instructor until the (NOT my fault) accident. Maybe we could trade skills, because my room could sure use some redecorating, ha ha. I hope you will consider my request and really, if you do decide to go to Canisius, or the University of Buffalo which is also here, or SUNY (State University of NY) at Buffalo, I would love to have a drink with you sometime if that would be okay. I'm not interested in being Prince of Sweden or anything, but a drink with a Princess would be really cool and give me bragging rights too! You have to be 21 to drink in this country, but I could get you a fake id, no problem. Well, that's about all, if you decide you'd like to meet a "real American" feel free to drop me a line, I'd love to hear from you, or you can call me (collect) at 716-555-2497.

Take care, your Highness

Grunge Rules!

Seth Braxton
(Untrue News Photo Editor)
(716) 555-2497

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. PERSONAL TO "WITMEISTER":  No, I do NOT want to read Five Hundred More Ways To Know You're Married To A Jewish Girl, stop sending me this stuff.

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