This issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by
the Fox Network. Our great new fall season includes "World's Most
Brutal Human Sacrifices" hosted by David Frost; "World's
Hottest Self-Immolations" hosted by Brenda Vaccaro, and "Kids
Say the Dirtiest Things" hosted by Kathy Lee Gifford and the ghost
of Alan Funt. It's TV you won't want to miss unless you have something
else to do. Fox, selling more commercial minutes per hour than any
network except ABC. Watch it!
WHO IS SID ARTHA? THE VICE PRESIDENT WANTS TO
to new pressure over his fund-raising activities, Vice President Al
Gore forcefully denied knowing that a 1996 gathering at a Buddhist
temple was a Democratic Party fund-raising event. "I sure as
hell did not have any conversations with anyone saying this is a
fund-raising event," Gore repeated. Asked why he attended an
event at a Buddhist temple, the Vice President told Untrue News
"I like those little finger-cymbals they have, I enjoy seeing
the colorful saris, I love curry, I really love it, and their
many-armed god Shiva is...oh wait, that's the wrong briefing book.
Look, I'm no more a crook than Nixon is."
SALUDOS AMIGOS Y ADIOS
week a federal appeals court denied a request by the Miami relatives
of Elian Gonzales to reconsider the custody battle over the boy. The
relatives said they would take the case to the Supreme Court. A
distraught Marisleysis Gonzales said "I will throw myself at
the feet of Justice Clarence Thomas. I will put a pubic hair on a
coke can if I have to, to get his attention. Elian is more important
to me than pubic hairs and coke cans." A fainting spell
interrupted Ms. Gonzales at that point and she was rushed to a
hospital by waiting paramedics.
federal jury found Albert J. Pirro Jr., influential Republican
businessman and husband of Jeanine F. Pirro, the Westchester County
district attorney, guilty of conspiracy and tax evasion. Mrs. Pirro,
could have been a strong contender for the Republican nomination for
the United States Senate this year were it not for her husband's legal
woes. Commenting on the verdict, Hillary Rodham Clinton said "Oh,
a real-estate development lawyer who's a thief, what a surprise."
Asked what it meant to her candidacy, Ms. Clinton said "This
guilty verdict destroys his wife's chance of becoming Senator, the
prostate cancer destroyed Giuliani's chance, and faced with that
evidence I have to believe God wants me to win."
Peter Harrigan and Stan Baker on their honeymoon after
the Vermont State Senate allowed gay couples to wed in a "civil
union." Two hours after this picture was taken, a sobbing
Harrigan telephoned his mother, while Baker stormed off angrily to the
UNTRUE NEWS IN HOLLYWOOD:
The new Los Angeles subway is complete and has opened.
The subway will take riders from here to there somewhere.
Jolie is in a Hollywood hospital, recovering from an emergency
liposuction of her lips. Her doctor, board-certified (in Okinawa)
plastic surgeon Dr. Mel E. Levine, quipped "I guess you could
call the procedure a LIP-o-suction," adding "But seriously,
the liposuction was absolutely necessary because her lips were about
to explode." Jolie is said to be doing well after surgery,
bragging to friends "with my lips down to normal size, I've lost
note: Dr. Levine is also Science Editor of Untrue News, and an
avid standup comedian. On Tuesday, July 4 he'll be at Louise's Chicken
Shack just off the I-95 in Clearwater, Florida, for the 1:00 AM
I DON'T WANT TO GET OFF ON A RANT HERE
Dennis Miller has been hired as a color analyst for ABC's Monday Night
Football. Reporting on the selection, the Los Angeles Times commented
that it "further blurred the line between sports as competition
and sports as entertainment." That is, for anyone who thinks The
Dennis Miller Show is entertainment.
GO MICKEY, GO MICKEY
In spite of bad weather, this year's annual Mickey
Rourke Day parade brought out more than the usual number of fans.
McGuffin's Untrue News
welcomes a new advertiser,
Party Poop Ezine.
Get set for the Net's funniest and
most hilarious and insightful and witty and funny political
magazine, PARTY POOP. Yes,
is the only web address you'll ever need to find the SMARTEST,
WITTIEST, FUNNIEST, AND MOST HUMOROUS political satire you can
imagine. Here is a sample:
That Al Gore is so
dull, when he talks to himself he falls asleep!
about these genetic crops? I'll bet if you ate an ear of
genetically altered corn, your farts would glow in the dark!
Hussein is so mean, he makes Hitler look just like a nice guy!
Well, there you
go, that's just a sample of the truly high satire and rare wit
you'll find in our monthly ezine. Six great jokes like the ones
above delivered to your mailbox every month. And you can use
them at parties or anywhere, just subscribe now and we'll send
you the latest issue. It's free.
. Get in on the FUN!!!