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June 24, 2000

This issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by the Fox Network. Our great new fall season includes "World's Most Brutal Human Sacrifices" hosted by David Frost; "World's Hottest Self-Immolations" hosted by Brenda Vaccaro, and "Kids Say the Dirtiest Things" hosted by Kathy Lee Gifford and the ghost of Alan Funt. It's TV you won't want to miss unless you have something else to do. Fox, selling more commercial minutes per hour than any network except ABC. Watch it!

WHO IS SID ARTHA? THE VICE PRESIDENT WANTS TO KNOW.

Responding to new pressure over his fund-raising activities, Vice President Al Gore forcefully denied knowing that a 1996 gathering at a Buddhist temple was a Democratic Party fund-raising event. "I sure as hell did not have any conversations with anyone saying this is a fund-raising event," Gore repeated. Asked why he attended an event at a Buddhist temple, the Vice President told Untrue News "I like those little finger-cymbals they have, I enjoy seeing the colorful saris, I love curry, I really love it, and their many-armed god Shiva is...oh wait, that's the wrong briefing book. Look, I'm no more a crook than Nixon is."

 

SALUDOS AMIGOS Y ADIOS

This week a federal appeals court denied a request by the Miami relatives of Elian Gonzales to reconsider the custody battle over the boy. The relatives said they would take the case to the Supreme Court. A distraught Marisleysis Gonzales said "I will throw myself at the feet of Justice Clarence Thomas. I will put a pubic hair on a coke can if I have to, to get his attention. Elian is more important to me than pubic hairs and coke cans." A fainting spell interrupted Ms. Gonzales at that point and she was rushed to a hospital by waiting paramedics.

 

POOR PIRRO

A federal jury found Albert J. Pirro Jr., influential Republican businessman and husband of Jeanine F. Pirro, the Westchester County district attorney, guilty of conspiracy and tax evasion. Mrs. Pirro, could have been a strong contender for the Republican nomination for the United States Senate this year were it not for her husband's legal woes. Commenting on the verdict, Hillary Rodham Clinton said "Oh, a real-estate development lawyer who's a thief, what a surprise." Asked what it meant to her candidacy, Ms. Clinton said "This guilty verdict destroys his wife's chance of becoming Senator, the prostate cancer destroyed Giuliani's chance, and faced with that evidence I have to believe God wants me to win."

 

DEARLY BELOVED

Peter Harrigan and Stan Baker on their honeymoon after the Vermont State Senate allowed gay couples to wed in a "civil union." Two hours after this picture was taken, a sobbing Harrigan telephoned his mother, while Baker stormed off angrily to the bar.

 

Hollywood Sign

UNTRUE NEWS IN HOLLYWOOD:

ALL ABOARD

The new Los Angeles subway is complete and has opened. The subway will take riders from here to there somewhere.

 

IT SUCKS

Angelina Jolie is in a Hollywood hospital, recovering from an emergency liposuction of her lips. Her doctor, board-certified (in Okinawa) plastic surgeon Dr. Mel E. Levine, quipped "I guess you could call the procedure a LIP-o-suction," adding "But seriously, the liposuction was absolutely necessary because her lips were about to explode." Jolie is said to be doing well after surgery, bragging to friends "with my lips down to normal size, I've lost six pounds!" 

(Editor's note:  Dr. Levine is also Science Editor of Untrue News, and an avid standup comedian. On Tuesday, July 4 he'll be at Louise's Chicken Shack just off the I-95 in Clearwater, Florida, for the 1:00 AM "uncensored" show.

 

I DON'T WANT TO GET OFF ON A RANT HERE

HBO's Dennis Miller has been hired as a color analyst for ABC's Monday Night Football. Reporting on the selection, the Los Angeles Times commented that it "further blurred the line between sports as competition and sports as entertainment." That is, for anyone who thinks The Dennis Miller Show is entertainment.

 

GO MICKEY, GO MICKEY

In spite of bad weather, this year's annual Mickey Rourke Day parade brought out more than the usual number of fans.

 

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McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it.

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