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ONE WORD TOO LONG
on Meet the Press last Sunday, Bush campaign manager Karl Rove heatedly denied
that his staff made vicious anti-Semitic telephone calls to potential voters,
telling Tim Russert: "Nobody formally associated with our campaign made those
calls." Leaders of the American Jewish Congress met on Monday to see just
how far up Rove's ass they could shove the word "formally."
"How can you call me anti-Semitic?" whined Bush. "I have a
Jew lawyer and a Jew doctor."
Jones University says it will abolish its prohibition of interracial dating after
being severely criticized following Gov. Bush's speech there. University
spokesman Corey Mortimer told Untrue News "From now on, if a Catholic student
wants to date a Protestant student, it's okay with us." In a related story,
the school said it has received thousands of orders for its colorful Bob Jones
collegiate sweatshirts, featuring the University seal and the slogan "We Love BJ
HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT
Without his wig and makeup, Dennis Rodman looks just like any other guy.
SHOOTING TOWARDS HIS GOAL
Republican Presidential hopeful George W. Bush showed signs of
fatigue this week when he fainted following a campaign appearance in St. Louis.
Bush's doctor told Untrue News "Luckily the governor is a premature ejaculator,
so he came to quickly."
IT'S THE ONE THAT SAYS "MEN"
Television Network is denying rumors that their president, Doug Herzog, may be
trying to get out of his contract and leave the network. Associates say
Herzog is annoyed about being blamed for the network's ratings decline, pointing
out that he inherited a number of program commitments and deals from his
predecessor. An exec at another network told Untrue News that Herzog was
being unfairly blamed, saying "How can you be expected in a year to do
anything but find your way to the bathroom"? Fox employees say that the
smell coming from Herzog's office proves he hasn't even done that yet.
SIE UBERWACHEN GROSSEN BRUDER
German version of the TV show Big Brother, in which a group of contestants is
required to live together for 100 days with their every move watched by TV
cameras, touched off angry political debate following its debut Wednesday, with
many demanding that it be banned at once. Hearing that the show was a gross
violation of privacy, offended human dignity, and glorified the lowest and basest
elements of humanity, CBS immediately optioned it for six nights a week beginning
GAY LICK CELEBRATION
Hilary Clinton marched down 5th Avenue in New York's Gay and
Lesbian Irish parade last week. The first lady said it was a special honor
for her to be asked to march in the parade, since she's not Irish.
"But this IS my genuine smile."
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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
Man, what the hell ever happened to
me? Oh, hi. I'm Dick Cavett and I used to have a TV show
and everything but one day people discovered I had no discernible talent and that
was the end of that. Now I'm reduced to appearing in these pages to
urge you to click on some sponsors here at my favorite website, Untrue News.
It's kind of a HUGE comedown for me, but even though I have a very rich
wife, I like to earn a little walking around money of my own. And
there's some dignity in that, right? There is, isn't there?
So please do have a look at some sponsors and...okay, it's not my favorite
website, I lied about that, but this is the only work I could get.
Please. Allow me SOME self-respect. Click on an ad
and I'll tell you stories about some of the long gone celebrities I used to
interview and who I thought genuinely liked me. Well, everyone makes