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March 5, 2000

Who do you want to hurt today?

This weeks' edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by Internet Explorer, the program that makes surfing the Internet as pleasant and enjoyable as having your teeth extracted without Novocain while sitting in coach between two big sweaty people with irritating voices on a Delta Airlines flight that's been stuck on the runway for seven hours.  Internet Explorer...if you didn't know the meaning of the term "frustrated rage" before, you do now.
  ONE WORD TOO LONG

Rove and BushSpeaking on Meet the Press last Sunday, Bush campaign manager Karl Rove heatedly denied that his staff made vicious anti-Semitic telephone calls to potential voters, telling Tim Russert: "Nobody formally associated with our campaign made those calls."  Leaders of the American Jewish Congress met on Monday to see just how far up Rove's ass they could shove the word "formally."

  SITUATIONAL ETHNICS

"How can you call me anti-Semitic?" whined Bush.  "I have a Jew lawyer and a Jew doctor."

  LIBERAL ARTS

We love BJ Girls!Bob Jones University says it will abolish its prohibition of interracial dating after being severely criticized following Gov. Bush's speech there.  University spokesman Corey Mortimer told Untrue News "From now on, if a Catholic student wants to date a Protestant student, it's okay with us."  In a related story, the school said it has received thousands of orders for its colorful Bob Jones collegiate sweatshirts, featuring the University seal and the slogan "We Love BJ Girls".

  HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT

Dennis Rodman at home
Without his wig and makeup, Dennis Rodman looks just like any other guy.

  SHOOTING TOWARDS HIS GOAL

Fainted, then came to quickly

Republican Presidential hopeful George W. Bush showed signs of fatigue this week when he fainted following a campaign appearance in St. Louis.  Bush's doctor told Untrue News "Luckily the governor is a premature ejaculator, so he came to quickly."

  IT'S THE ONE THAT SAYS "MEN"

Fox Television Network is denying rumors that their president, Doug Herzog, may be trying to get out of his contract and leave the network.  Associates say Herzog is annoyed about being blamed for the network's ratings decline, pointing out that he inherited a number of program commitments and deals from his predecessor.  An exec at another network told Untrue News that Herzog was being unfairly blamed, saying  "How can you be expected in a year to do anything but find your way to the bathroom"?  Fox employees say that the smell coming from Herzog's office proves he hasn't even done that yet.

  SIE UBERWACHEN GROSSEN BRUDER

Big Brother is watching you....on CBS!The German version of the TV show Big Brother, in which a group of contestants is required to live together for 100 days with their every move watched by TV cameras, touched off angry political debate following its debut Wednesday, with many demanding that it be banned at once.  Hearing that the show was a gross violation of privacy, offended human dignity, and glorified the lowest and basest elements of humanity, CBS immediately optioned it for six nights a week beginning this summer.

  A GAY LICK CELEBRATION

The next Senator of the State of New York

Hilary Clinton marched down 5th Avenue in New York's Gay and Lesbian Irish parade last week.  The first lady said it was a special honor for her to be asked to march in the parade, since she's not Irish.

  SAY CHEESE

McCain rules!
"But this IS my genuine smile."

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DICK CAVETT SAYS:

Man, what the hell ever happened to me?   Oh, hi.   I'm Dick Cavett and I used to have a TV show and everything but one day people discovered I had no discernible talent and that was the end of that.   Now I'm reduced to appearing in these pages to urge you to click on some sponsors here at my favorite website, Untrue News.   It's kind of a HUGE comedown for me, but even though I have a very rich wife, I like to earn a little walking around money of my own.   And there's some dignity in that, right?   There is, isn't there?   So please do have a look at some sponsors and...okay, it's not my favorite website, I lied about that, but this is the only work I could get.   Please.   Allow me SOME self-respect.   Click on an ad and I'll tell you stories about some of the long gone celebrities I used to interview and who I thought genuinely liked me.   Well, everyone makes mistakes.

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC.  All rights reserved.  Be sure to read "Life is for Living" by Dr. William Gale, author of "Death is for Dying".

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