Oh the traffic is stopped and the music it rankles
The puke on Fifth Avenue's up to your ankles
The vomit is green
From each Kelly and Breen
And that can be seen
Every March seventeen.

John McCain withdrew from the Presidential race after losing several state primaries to George W. Bush.  Hearing the news, Bush said to his aides "So now I'm the President, right?"

"Yo! I'm a wigger,
With my finger on the trigger,
Gonna kill a couple cops to make
My reputation bigger."

The 1970's musical "Jesus Christ Superstar" is being revived on Broadway. Those who believe in a God whose vengeance is swift and merciless will find their faith sorely tested when they learn that composer Andrew Lloyd Weber and director Tom O'Horgan are still alive and healthy.

Nickelodeon president Herb Scannell is hailing the success of his company's low-budget movie "Snow Day", which has earned $49.3 million in four weeks. "We will make more money than 'The Beach,'" bragged Scannell. Interviews with people collecting unemployment insurance in Toledo, Ohio, indicate that they too will make more money than "The Beach"

Several unions representing civil service employees are unhappy with the city's new method of dismissing workers.

Computer hacker Dennis Moran, of Wolfboro Vermont, who is known by the screen name "Coolio", said he is not responsible for last month's massive attack on Yahoo and Amazon.com.  Arrested by the FBI, Moran told Untrue News, "Maybe if I looked less like a girl, I wouldn't have to hack your stupid web sites in the first place."