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March 18, 2000

This week's edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by MCI-WorldCom, the global telecommunications conglomerate that says "Okay, so we scammed you out of a few dollars by advertising lowest rates and lying about it.  How did you get hurt, really?  People lie all the time, that's just business.  It was nothing against you or your family.  Look, how much does it amount to, a few dollars?  Is it really worth your health and possibly your life to worry about it?  Relax, have fun.  Forget about class action lawsuits and sleazy lawyers, things that will only cause you to age more quickly and appear fat to everyone.  Read a book.  Take a cruise or something."  ---Your Good Friends at MCI WorldCom.

Untrue News endorses: 
Gov. George W. Bush.  He's as honest as campaign financing, as straightforward as good old American tobacco.

  SERVICE WITH A SMILE

 

"Hello, you have reached the offices of Amtrak, the whole nation travels Amtrak.  If you are calling about today's crash and derailment, please press one.  If you are calling about yesterday's crash and derailment, please press two.  If you are calling about the day before yesterday's crash and derailment, please press three..."

  OH, MAMA

"My name is Bob Dylan
My head is a mess,
This change in my hormones
Is brought on by stress,
Well I used to resist
Even wearing a dress,
Though my body inside is raging,
Now you better get used to my womanliness,
'Cause my sex it is a-changing."
--(celebrity voice impersonated)

Untrue News endorses: Gov. George W. Bush.  Attended Harvard.  Wealthy family. Son of former US President. George W. Bush. A man of the people.

  COUNTRY ROADS

The West Virginia legislature has banned homosexual marriages and prohibited the state from recognizing such marriages performed in other states.  The only exception occurs if the couple can prove they're brothers or sisters.

  THEY SEE DEAD PEOPLE

In Chennai, India three companies have announced plans to produce a film which will star two dead Indian film stars, brought back to life via computerized special effects. Universal Studios was quick to jump on the bandwagon, announcing they will make a feature using dead stars Jimmy Stewart, Lana Turner and Chevy Chase.

photo of James Stewart Movie Star Lana Turner Chevy Chase on Saturday Night Live

Untrue News endorses:
Gov. George W. Bush. He's as smart as a Bush.

  FINE THANKS, HOW ARE YOU?

Under a bill recently passed in the state of Hawaii, TV productions would be eligible for state backing if they, among other things, used "Hawaii" in their titles.  Watch for a spate of spinoff productions, including "I Love Raymond AND Hawaii (CBS)", "Hawaii Wants To Be A Millionaire?" (ABC) and "America's Worst Hawaiians." (Fox)

  THAR HE BLOWS


Independent Product Testing Services are springing up across the country.  Here a young employee of Ritter Labs prepares to give a keyboard the snot test.

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il says:

Kim Jong Il photo/AP

 

"Greetings from Pyongyang, everyone!  You know, being the dictator of the world's most repressive Communist country isn't as easy as it looks.  Keeping these people in line is exhausting and, to be honest, stress builds up.  That's why I like to have a few laughs--VERY few in this issue, by the way--by reading McGuffin's Untrue News here at my favorite website, Untruenews.com   Relaxed and refreshed, I can go back to ruling my country with an iron hand, an iron will, and something else made of iron as well, heh heh.  So please do me a favor and click on a couple of these Untrue News sponsors whose banner-ads litter the text.  If you do, you will have the most grateful thanks of the entire North Korean government, that I can promise you.  And should you ever visit our beautiful country, you will be treated as a welcome guest, not as a citizen."

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC.  All rights reserved. Johnson's "No More Tears" baby shampoo works because it substitutes sodium laureth sulfate, a foaming agent, for sodium lauryl sulfate, a foaming agent which stings the eyes.  However, every other shampoo company in the world has made the same substitution.  Okay?  Understand?  These are your children we're talking about!  If you don't know anything about sodium laureth sulfate, what business do you have having children in the first place?  Get a clue.

Sorry, we didn't mean to go off on you there.  It's been a rough day. Janice brought in the wrong kind of donuts, and there was only decaf coffee, please accept our apology.  You go ahead and have as many children as you want.

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