edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by MCI-WorldCom, the global
telecommunications conglomerate that says "Okay, so we scammed you out of a few
dollars by advertising lowest rates and lying about it. How did you get
hurt, really? People lie all the time, that's just business. It was
nothing against you or your family. Look, how much does it amount to, a few
dollars? Is it really worth your health and possibly your life to worry
about it? Relax, have fun. Forget about class action lawsuits and
sleazy lawyers, things that will only cause you to age more quickly and appear fat
to everyone. Read a book. Take a cruise or something." ---Your
Good Friends at MCI WorldCom.
Untrue News endorses:
Gov. George W. Bush. He's as honest as campaign financing, as
straightforward as good old American tobacco.
SERVICE WITH A SMILE
"Hello, you have
reached the offices of Amtrak, the whole nation travels Amtrak. If you are
calling about today's crash and derailment, please press one. If you are
calling about yesterday's crash and derailment, please press two. If you
are calling about the day before yesterday's crash and derailment, please press
is Bob Dylan
My head is a mess,
This change in my hormones
Is brought on by stress,
Well I used to resist
Even wearing a dress,
Though my body inside is raging,
Now you better get used to my womanliness,
'Cause my sex it is a-changing." --(celebrity voice impersonated)
Untrue News endorses: Gov. George W. Bush.
Attended Harvard. Wealthy family. Son of former US President. George W.
Bush. A man of the people.
The West Virginia legislature has banned homosexual marriages and prohibited the
state from recognizing such marriages performed in other states. The only
exception occurs if the couple can prove they're brothers or sisters.
THEY SEE DEAD
In Chennai, India three companies have announced plans to produce
a film which will star two dead Indian film stars, brought back to life via
computerized special effects. Universal Studios was quick to jump on the
bandwagon, announcing they will make a feature using dead stars Jimmy Stewart,
Lana Turner and Chevy Chase.
Untrue News endorses:
Gov. George W. Bush. He's as smart as a Bush.
FINE THANKS, HOW
Under a bill
recently passed in the state of Hawaii, TV productions would be eligible for
state backing if they, among other things, used "Hawaii" in their titles.
Watch for a spate of spinoff productions, including "I Love Raymond AND Hawaii
(CBS)", "Hawaii Wants To Be A Millionaire?" (ABC) and "America's Worst
THAR HE BLOWS
Independent Product Testing Services are springing up across the country.
Here a young employee of Ritter Labs prepares to give a keyboard the snot test.
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
Korean Leader Kim Jong Il says:
Pyongyang, everyone! You know, being the dictator of the world's most
repressive Communist country isn't as easy as it looks. Keeping these
people in line is exhausting and, to be honest, stress builds up. That's
why I like to have a few laughs--VERY few in this issue, by the way--by
reading McGuffin's Untrue News here at my favorite website, Untruenews.com
Relaxed and refreshed, I can go back to ruling my country with an iron hand, an
iron will, and something else made of iron as well, heh heh. So please do
me a favor and click on a couple of these Untrue News sponsors whose banner-ads
litter the text. If you do, you will have the most grateful thanks of the
entire North Korean government, that I can promise you. And should you
ever visit our beautiful country, you will be treated as a welcome guest, not as
Sorry, we didn't mean to go off on
you there. It's been a rough day. Janice brought in the wrong kind of donuts,
and there was only decaf coffee, please accept our apology. You go ahead and
have as many children as you want.