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March 25, 2000

lasik-pictures7.jpg (5665 bytes) This week's edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by Lenscrafters, who say "What is this Lasik laser vision correction we've been hearing so much about?  Do we know what the long-term effects are?  When an optometrist make a mistake, your glasses may need readjusting.  When a laser surgeon makes a mistake, well...you'll never see things the same way again, if you take our meaning.  Eyeglasses are cool, and now try our new frames with built in pheromone diffusers.  Wear these out once and you'll say "Wow!  People DO check the asses of folks who wear glasses."  Try getting your Lasik-enhanced cornea to put out some pheromones.  Think that'll happen?  Yeah, when Julie Andrews gets her voice back.  Lenscrafters--a site for sore eyes.

 

  SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF

Pope John Paul Ii Crying During A SpeechOn his visit to Israel, Pope John Paul II apologized to Jews on behalf of wrongs which may have been committed against them by people of the church.  For their part, Jews apologized to the Pope for their secret conspiracy to rule the world.

In a related story, after hearing the Pope's message, O.J. Simpson phoned CNN and proclaimed "See that?  Even the Pope apologized to The Juice."

 

  WE BUY OLD JUNK, WE SELL RARE ANTIQUES

Executives of the snooty auction houses Chrtistie's and Sotheby's are accused of sharing client lists and fixing prices on commissions over a long period of time.  Prosecutors feel the defendants, if convicted, should serve fifteen years in prison.  I have fifteen, do I hear twenty?  Twenty, twenty, twenty, I have twenty, I'm looking for twenty-five.  I have twenty five, who'll make it thirty?  Thirty thirty thirty...

In addition to whatever sentences they may receive if found guilty,  Christie's and Sotheby's executives will also find their sentences increased by ten percent once the judge tacks on the special "auction house felons'" premium.

 

  SUFFER THE CHILDREN


Pope John Paul II grants his blessing to a huge mud pie cookie brought by a group of Jewish, Muslim and Christian Israeli Children.  Speaking later to Untrue News, Naomi Geller (center) said "We were gonna eat it for lunch and then he put his fingers all over it and everything, ewww..."

 

  ANY PORT IN A STORM

Patrick NaughtonPatrick J. Naughton, a former executive with an Internet company affiliated with Disney, pled guilty to federal charges that he crossed state lines to have sex with a 13-year old girl he met in an Internet chat room. Naughton flew from Seattle to Los Angeles to meet the girl, who turned out to be a male undercover FBI agent.  "Even so" said Naughton, "we had a pretty nice evening."

 

  THE BIG QUESTION

Cardinals Mini-HelmetON THIS DAY IN HISTORY:  Jan 5, 2000--Luis Sharpe, a former offensive lineman with the Arizona Cardinals is arrested for allegedly possessing drug paraphernalia in Phoenix Arizona.  His arrest has football fans all over the country asking two questions.  First, who is Luis Sharpe?  And second, who are the Arizona Cardinals?

 

  THESE KIDS TODAY

This young lady seems to be saying:

a) As If.
b) Could you BE more of a dork?
c) Please pass the broccoli!

 

If you guessed "C" you're right!  More and more young people are realizing the value of nutritious broccoli as part of a healthy lifestyle.  It could be that broccoli may have been found to possibly help prevent certain types of cancer in some cases, maybe.  And we all know how great it tastes.  Get some today, and start living the broccoli way!  Presented by ABC--the American Broccoli Counsel--can you tell we've got a new ad agency?

 

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

William Holden Impersonator Bill Silverstein says:

 

"First, let me say if anyone knows where I can get some work, please contact my agent Dorianne Gootnik at Gootnik, Felber and LaFrange, they're right on Hollywood Boulevard.  I do all ages of William Holden in my one man show "HOLDEN. A Man and His Bottle."  I'm trying to get bookings, or any sort of work as an actor where a William Holden impersonator is needed.  "Being William Holden" might be a good followup movie to John Malkovich, yes?  Okay, so please click on a couple sponsors here at my favorite website, Untrue News.  I'm also available for children's parties, and any sort of mall or supermarket opening or festivity.  (A great birthday gag:  Have "William Holden" deliver the birthday subject's mail.)"

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC.  All rights reserved. Save $149.50 by not buying the VCR of "Blair Witch Project" ten times.

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