This week's edition of McGuffin's
Untrue News is brought to you by Lenscrafters, who say "What is this Lasik laser vision
correction we've been hearing so much about? Do we know what the long-term effects are?
When an optometrist make a mistake, your glasses may need readjusting. When a laser
surgeon makes a mistake, well...you'll never see things the same way again, if you take our
meaning. Eyeglasses are cool, and now try our new frames with built in pheromone
diffusers. Wear these out once and you'll say "Wow! People DO check the asses of
folks who wear glasses." Try getting your Lasik-enhanced cornea to put out some
pheromones. Think that'll happen? Yeah, when Julie Andrews gets her voice back.
Lenscrafters--a site for sore eyes.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF
On his visit to Israel, Pope John Paul II
apologized to Jews on behalf of wrongs which may have been committed against them by people
of the church. For their part, Jews apologized to the Pope for their secret conspiracy
to rule the world.
In a related story, after hearing the Pope's message,
O.J. Simpson phoned CNN and proclaimed "See that? Even the Pope apologized to The
WE BUY OLD JUNK, WE SELL RARE ANTIQUES
Executives of the snooty auction houses Chrtistie's and Sotheby's are accused
of sharing client lists and fixing prices on commissions over a long period of time.
Prosecutors feel the defendants, if convicted, should serve fifteen years in prison. I
have fifteen, do I hear twenty? Twenty, twenty, twenty, I have twenty, I'm looking for
twenty-five. I have twenty five, who'll make it thirty? Thirty thirty thirty...
In addition to whatever sentences they may receive if found
guilty, Christie's and Sotheby's executives will also find their sentences increased by
ten percent once the judge tacks on the special "auction house felons'" premium.
SUFFER THE CHILDREN
Pope John Paul II grants his blessing to a huge mud pie cookie brought by a group of Jewish,
Muslim and Christian Israeli Children. Speaking later to Untrue News, Naomi Geller
(center) said "We were gonna eat it for lunch and then he put his fingers all over it and
ANY PORT IN A STORM
J. Naughton, a former executive with an Internet company affiliated with Disney, pled guilty
to federal charges that he crossed state lines to have sex with a 13-year old girl he met in
an Internet chat room. Naughton flew from Seattle to Los Angeles to meet the girl, who turned
out to be a male undercover FBI agent. "Even so" said Naughton, "we had a pretty nice
THE BIG QUESTION
ON THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
Jan 5, 2000--Luis Sharpe, a former offensive lineman with the Arizona Cardinals is arrested
for allegedly possessing drug paraphernalia in Phoenix Arizona. His arrest has football
fans all over the country asking two questions. First, who is Luis Sharpe? And
second, who are the Arizona Cardinals?
THESE KIDS TODAY
young lady seems to be saying:
a) As If.
b) Could you BE more of a dork?
c) Please pass the broccoli!
If you guessed "C" you're right! More and more young
people are realizing the value of nutritious broccoli as part of a healthy lifestyle.
It could be that broccoli may have been found to possibly help prevent certain types of
cancer in some cases, maybe. And we all know how great it tastes. Get some today,
and start living the broccoli way! Presented by ABC--the American Broccoli Counsel--can
you tell we've got a new ad agency?
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William Holden Impersonator
Bill Silverstein says:
"First, let me say if anyone
knows where I can get some work, please contact my agent Dorianne Gootnik at Gootnik, Felber
and LaFrange, they're right on Hollywood Boulevard. I do all ages of William Holden in
my one man show "HOLDEN. A Man and His Bottle." I'm trying to get bookings, or any sort
of work as an actor where a William Holden impersonator is needed. "Being William
Holden" might be a good followup movie to John Malkovich, yes? Okay, so please click on
a couple sponsors here at my favorite website, Untrue News. I'm also available for
children's parties, and any sort of mall or supermarket opening or festivity. (A great
birthday gag: Have "William Holden" deliver the birthday subject's mail.)"