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May 6, 2000

This issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you Hallmark, the greeting card company that says "Easter just ended but Bam! we hit you again with MOTHER'S DAY. Talk about jacking up the bottom line! Then we've got the MEMORIAL DAY holiday, and between those two is one we kind of like: MOMORIAL day, when we honor both Mom and Memorial Day. And just wait -- when you see our ad campaign for July 4th cards, you'll feel less than worthless if you don't send out a few of THOSE to your freedom loving friends and family. We're Hallmark, and we DON'T use crappy recycled paper to make our cards. Our cards may not save the environment, but they have the tactile perfection and solid heft that comes from using real virgin forest wood pulp. Does mom deserve any less? We don't think so. Hallmark--when you care enough to spend the very most.

EDICION ESPECIAL DE CINCO DE MAYO UN DIA TARDE, MOTHER'S DAY y KWANZAA.

MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR: We're overwhelmed with emotion. Thank you so much to everyone who was kind enough to send us that sweet email that said "I Love You." We don't know what we did to deserve it, but somebody sure must like us! Thanks again! ---Mark McGuffin
THE CARDINAL IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE CARDINAL

Cardinal John O'Connor SmilingThe Archbishop of New York, John Cardinal O'Connor died early Thursday morning at his home behind St. Patrick's Cathedral. He was appointed to the position in 1984, but even before that had upset many Jews in New York by declaring that widespread abortion in the United States was "precisely the same" as the Nazis' murder of six million Jews. He later modified his view saying "Okay, widespread abortion isn't PRECISELY the same as the holocaust, because most of the aborted fetuses aren't Jewish."

The New York Post on June 17, 1991, quoting Cardinal O'Connor as saying "God Is a Man." Asked how he knew this, the prelate replied "I love God. Do I look like the kind of guy who could love a female?"

 

TWO THIEVES ARE BETTER THAN ONE

Aetna Life Insurance will split itself into two separate companies, a health care company and a financial services business. Aetna Chairman and CEO William H. Donaldson told Untrue News "this is an excellent opportunity to serve our shareholders. Having two companies will increase our profit margins in several ways. We can continue to cheat the consumer by charging high premium rates and not paying off policies, as we've always done. We can continue to cheat the government by inflating our expenses and lying about income, and now we have the ability to lend out our excess profits at usurious rates of interest. It's just so beautiful." Following Donaldson's statement, Aetna stock rose seven points to a record high.

 

WE DELIVER

Winners of the US Postal Service's "Why Mail is Good" essay competition, Kelly DuBrow, 9, and Lydia Stiles, 13, accept an oversize version of the new Cat in the Hat stamp from teacher Mary Sobieski (r) and Postal Service spokeswoman Darcy Loeffler. Along with the stamp was a poem written by the late Theodore Geisel (Dr. Seuss) for the post office:

I'm the Cat on the Stamp,
And that's a neat trick.
My backside gets damp
Whenever you lick.

 

GEOGRAPHY 101

Federal agents in riot gear today peacefully removed protesters, including two U.S. lawmakers, from the gates of a U.S. Navy bombing range that demonstrators had blocked for more than a year. The protest took place on the island of Vieques just off Puerto Rico. Residents complained that the United States had been using their island for bombing practice for years. Untrue News has the solution to the problem. NOTE TO THE SECRETARY OF THE NAVY: Cuba is even closer to the US than Vieques, okay? Comprende?

Map of Cuba

 

SCAR SPANGLED BANNER

[State Flag]A search through the legal archives of the state of Mississippi reveals that they have no official flag. Untrue News suggests a magnolia tree surrounded by 1848 stars, representing the year they think it is.

And for the state coat-of-arms, we suggest a noose rampant on a field of cotton.

 

THREE INTO TWO WON'T GO

Eddie Bullard, Ted Swanek and Vince Ambrolia ponder the closing of their service station.  Senior partner Ambrolia told Untrue Newsl "We had two full service pumps and there were three of us.  We just couldn't work it out."

 

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NATALIE PORTMAN SAYS: portman

Well, Natalie doesn't have to say anything, we never got in contact with her, we tried, her people were less than polite, but we're putting her picture here anyway because...well, look at it! We'd be insane not to. Okay, click on a couple of our Untrue News sponsors, and maybe if you click enough we can afford the XXX license and we'll be able to publish even BETTER pix of Ms. Portman, if you know what we mean. Click away!

 

GLORIA STEINEM SAYS:

Gloria Steinem, Democratic Policy

"The above item is proof positive of how far the women's movement has to go in educating men that young sexy women aren't all that great. If you're a woman you will want to join with me and tens of other feminists by clicking on some Untrue News sponsors to show your contempt for the attitudes expressed in the preceding paragraph. Click away!

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC.  All rights reserved. If you have a better way of making money than asking everyone reading these words to send me a dollar, let me know what it is. Send your idea and a dollar to McGuffin, Box 111, Kalispell, Montana 59901

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