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May 13, 2000

This week's edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by Fox Television. While everyone else is in reruns, watch for our great original programming including "When Good Thieves Go Bad", "Amazing Police Lunches" and "America's Worst Television Programs". FLASH: Now you'll be able to see "America's Worst Television Programs" all year on FOX. Fox Television. We don't pander...we pimp.

KIDS SMOKING MARIJUANA? WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?

Hundreds of whiney suburban kids were arrested and held in jail cells by Manhattan police after they lit joints following a rally supporting the legalization of marijuana. Mayor Rudolph (Adolf) Giuliani defended the arrests, saying "Let's not be hypocritical. Smoking marijuana is a crime and the offenders should be punished." The mayor then hurried off to commit adultery with his mistress.

 

I SEE DEAD PEOPLE

Paula Jones

Clinton adversary Paula Jones recently told Untrue News she had a near-death experience. No, wait, Paula Jones didn't have a near-death experience. It was a guy who slept with Paula Jones.

 

BRING WARM CLOTHES, BECAUSE IT'LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL

CD Cover ArtNANCY SINATRA was in New York City last week, promoting the VHS and DVD release of her 1967 "Movin' With Nancy" TV special. Rick Spelling, a bowling alley manager from Far Rockaway told a reporter "I'm gonna be standing in line 24 hours before it goes on sale, so I can be one of the very first to get it. How about you?"

 

IT TAKES A LOT OF BALLS TO MAKE A GOLF COURSE

Designers representing Donald Trump are pleased with the progress of the sand trap at Trump's new Trumplinks golf course just outside Boston, Mass. Arnold DeNafoli (left) told Untrue News "This will be the most beautiful and most expensive course in the world. And when Mr. Trump bought this land there was nothing here but an Indian cemetery and the oldest church in America."

 

CANCELLED

Some time this year it will be national stamp week. Here are some of the new stamps designs rejected by the US Postal Service:

33-cent commemorative 10th anniversary Gulf War Syndrome
33-cent commemorative 30th anniversary, US loses in Viet Nam
62-cent airmail honoring Slobodan Milosovec, "The Man We Couldn't Kill"
45-cent airmail honoring Sadam Hussein, "The Man We Couldn't Kill"
45-cent airmail honoring Fidel Castro, "The Man We Couldn't Kill"
45-cent airmail Death to Our Enemies
45-cent airmail celebrating global warming
22-cent postcard "resistant bacteria"
33-cent Famous Presidential Mistresses: Marilyn Monroe
10-cent Extinct species: Passenger Pigeon
33-cent Famous Canadians (withdrawn)
$1.00 Ethiopian famine
33-cent American Amateur Scientists: Ted Kasczinsky

 

SCIENCE STRIKES OUT

What's new in science and medicine from our own staff science reporter, Dr. Mel E. Levine: "No gigs this week, just boring science journals to leaf through. Next week I'll be at Smiley Face in Decatur Illinois, I'll be emceeing the Monday amateur night. If they like me, it could turn into a regular gig. In science, botanists have successfully grafted a human gene onto a vegetable gene, so from now on when they talk about ears of corn, they'll really mean it. That's the world of science from where I sit." --Mel

 

TO THE RESCUE

Don't worry, I'll get to you. I'll save you. You won't go over the falls, I promise. Just hang on. Damn, I'm hungry. Keep treading water, I'll get there. Be there...soon...be there....real......soon........

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PENN JILLETTE SAYS:

Hi there. My voice keeps getting more and more annoying doesn't it? I don't know how Teller stands it. And our shows gets worse too, have you noticed? First we started doing less magic in our stage shows and added lots more blood, then we did that terrible syndicated television show from Vegas...well look, we have to pay our bills too. And speaking of people who have to pay their bills, please click on one or two of the fine folks who sponsor my favorite website, Untrue News. Go ahead, click on two of them, come back, and I'll levitate myself two feet off the ground in a standing position. I'll wait. Okay, you clicked? Okay, here I go. Oops, I can't seem to get off the ground. I wonder why that is. Teller, look under my feet, something seems to be sticky. Aha. No wonder I can't levitate. It's because I'm standing on a million ROACHES! Look at them crawl! Ahhhh hahaha. AHHHHhahahahahaha! Thanks you folks, we'll be out front hawking t-shirts after the show. Goodnight!

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC.  All rights reserved. WHILE YOU WERE OUT: Senator Trent Lott (R-MS)-- Hell called, they've reserved a special place for you.

Our Staff

 

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