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May 20, 2000

This week's issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by KAHNJOB SECURITY SERVICES.  Are you worried about lack of privacy on the Internet?  We can help.  Simply send your name, address, zip code, phone number, date of birth, social security number, bank account numbers, credit card numbers and stock market account trading numbers to Kahnjob, Boite Postale 111, Monte Carlo.  We'll do the rest.  IT'S FREE, SO HOW CAN YOU LOSE?

SHANGHAI TANG

It appears as though President Clinton and both houses of Congress now agree that China should become one of America's full trade partners.  Said a White House spokesman: "China uses slave labor, prison labor, and child labor. The wages they pay are next to zero. When it costs Nike 3 cents a unit to make sneakers which sell to idiot schoolboys in America for a hundred dollars, you can see the advantages of forgetting human rights and just doing business." Asked if it was ethical to take advantage of children to make consumer goods, a Nike spokesman said "If they're Chinese children I don't see a problem." Asked if it was moral, the spokesman said "I'm sorry, I don't know that word."

 

GUILT BY ASSOCIATION

Napster Robert's
picture.Online music service Napster has removed more than 317,000 users suspected of downloading Metallica songs without the band's permission.  Of the 317,000 users banned, 315,000 wrote to Napster claiming their little brother did it.

 

 

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE...

All six cast members of the NBC sitcom "Friends" have signed on for two more years at $750,000 each per episode (24 per season), up from the current $125,000, plus advances against syndication profits. President of Warner's TV division, Peter Roth, told The Wall Street Journal, "It was an arduous process, but in the final analysis the cast is making more money per episode than most of you yokels will see in a lifetime, and yet we're screwing them blind.  It's a win-win for everyone."

TO JENNIFER ANNISTON ON GETTING HER RAISE.
TO THE TUNE OF THE "FRIENDS" THEME.

Your show's successful, you deserve that raise in pay.
A quarter mil per week, well baby that ain't hay.
Didn't I once know your second cousin Mike?
And by the way I've got some projects here I think that you're gonna like.

I'll wait here for you
By your house every day
I'll wait here for you
And I won't go away
I'll wait here for you,
And I won't go away
(repeat indefinitely)

 

THE BIG BANG

Members of the National Rifle Association held their annual convention in Charlotte, NC.

BYE BYE BEVERLY

Our TV and television critic Richard Millicent Mile reports on the final episode of "Beverly Hills 90210":  Well my dears, I didn't watch the final show, which is very consistent of me, since I have never seen it once in its ten year run. I did catch a little snatch between dinner and my re-reading of Lord Alfred Douglas' memoirs (hot!) of a scene featuring Tori Spelling's wedding. As if. Nice try, hon.  Even in that wedding drag you look like a producer's daughter. Good luck. Well, not to bore you with my own problems, let's just say this has not been a good hair week or a good week for romance, but as we say farewell to 90210 let's remember that it was a hit show and ran for a very long time, so there must have been something good about it.  Ta for now    --RMM 

Richard Millicent Mile's email address is Dick@Untruenews.com

I BELIEVE THE CHILDREN ARE THE FUTURE

2nd graders at the Meade School in Las Vegas prepare for their final exam in one of the school's most popular classes, Gambling for Kids.  Instructor Hilda Swenson said "my class teaches children math, money management, card skills, concentration, and above all how it feels to win and how it feels to lose."

 

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DAVID DUCHOVNY SAYS:

 

"I'm sure you know I signed for another year of X-files. As I've often said, if I hadn't grounded my character, Mulder, in reality, the scripts would have been nothing but camp. With my realistic performance, they become simply dull and unfunny.  But that's neither here nor there, they couldn't do the Files without me, could they? What are they gonna do, let Gillian carry the show? She couldn't act her way out of a maximum security prison. Wait, that doesn't sound right.  Get me the writers, give me a metaphor! Until they get here, please take a moment to click on one or two of the fine people who sponsor my favorite website, Untrue News. Ah, here come the writers.  How about a metaphor, boys?  Let's try these out---she couldn't act her way out of a hoop skirt. Terrible, way too obscure. She couldn't act her way out of an exit door. Closer, but doesn't have the snap. She couldn't act her way out of this show. Perfect! Thanks boys. I'll call you again when I need you, leave me alone now, I have to look for some polka dot wallpaper for my car."

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