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SEX SEX SEX HOT RAUNCHY SEX MORE SEX THAT YOU'VE EVER DREAMED OF SEX HOT SEX LAVISH SEX A SEXUAL CORNUCOPIA  RANDY SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX. 

If sex is what you're looking for you won't find much of it here in McGuffin's Untrue News, but sex isn't everything, humor counts for something too. If you aren't getting much sex, a sense of humor really helps, believe me.

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November 4, 2000
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VOTE AS MUCH AS YOU CAN

On Tuesday, November 7,  election day in the USA, a small percentage of Americans will go to the polls to vote for the candidate of their choice. Since the majority of Americans realize that neither the Republican nor the Democratic candidate knows very much about leadership, the question becomes one of integrity. Since neither candidate has integrity, it becomes a question of character. Since neither candidate has much character, it becomes a question of whose name has the fewest letters. Untrue News wholeheartedly endorses Al Gore for President of the United States.

THE DOG ATE MY COCAINE

Information has surfaced that Gov George W. Bush was arrested for drunk driving 24 years ago. The then 30-year old Bush was stopped by police in Maine over a labor day weekend, for driving too slowly. Bush was taken to a police station, where his breath tested over the legal limit for alcohol. Bush pleaded guilty, but today told Untrue News he was at a party where alcohol was passed around. Bush said "I tried it, but I didn't swallow."

In a parallel story, show biz mogul Barry Diller said the same thing, but in an entirely different context.

FEATURE : IT'S NOT GAS IT'S HOT AIR.

Urban transport could soon be revolutionized with the launching this week in South Africa of a prototype new car which designers say runs on air. It is being predicted that the e.Volution will be able to travel up to 120 miles for only 30 cents. American politicians are said to be working as hard as possible to protect their patrons, the big oil companies, by busily writing laws prohibiting the introduction of "foreign air powered vehicles of any sort" into the US.

Meanwhile the designer and chief salesman for the e.Volution, former public relations specialist Hannelore Laufenberg foresees a rosy future for the car. Ms. Laufenberg was also the creator and designer of new Coke, the "clear" beverage craze, smokeless cigarettes, and Louis Kemp's Crab Delight. "It's a question of changing people's perceptions." said Ms. Laufenberg. She did not elaborate.

In South Africa to avoid pending fraud charges in the USA, Canada, and Germany for selling "Wasserluft" -- airplanes that were supposed to fly using water as fuel -- Ms. Laufenberg told Untrue News the charges were "trumped up" and "without too much merit."

Ms. Laufenberg says she is innocent and has a logical explanation for everything, which she will share with investors who call her at her special number in Durban, South Africa, (011+27 <031> 303 5691 , US$1.99 per minute plus tolls) She asks that only people with money to invest in the e.Volution call.

"I'm not worried about the US Congress asking to ban us." said Ms. Laufenberg. "Congressman can be bribed, and will be. I have no problem with that, it's an old old story."

BIG BUCKS FOR THE BABES

CBS will pay an $8 million settlement to end a  class action suit by 2,000 female technicians who charged sex discrimination,  the women's attorneys announced this week. Untrue News has done the math. 8,000,000 divided by 2,000 comes to $4,000 per litigant. But wait. One third for the attorney's fees and one third for expenses leaves  $1,333.33 for each woman who was the victim of discrimination. Justice triumphs again! You go, girls!

THE JOYS OF PROPERTY DEVELOPMENT

 

"I'm telling you, when our dozers come in and level these trees,  and you see our condo complex going up, you are gonna feel THIS HARD, Mr. Davis. I know I always do." 

IT TAKES A THIEF

I

Internet start-up and upstart Napster, a service that cheated composers and recording artists out of royalties by allowing computer users to copy music from other computers via the internet, will begin charging a fee for its services, the company announced this week. Part of the membership fee will go towards  payment of royalties to those whose music is exchanged on the service. Financing the changes will be the media goliath Bertelsmann, who prior to this agreement was suing Napster for copyright violations. Bertelsmann gave Napster an undisclosed sum (reportedly in the millions), and in return received an option to buy a piece of Napster in the future.

 In a related story, a guy who robbed a liquor store of $200. was just sentenced to seven years in prison. The convicted thief told Untrue News "I should have robbed Seagram's, they'd have made me a partner."

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS:

LULLABYE AND GOODNIGHT 

Guy Ritchie isn’t one of those whipped, wimpy males. Madonna‘s boyfriend told Untrue News he leaves the room when Madonna is changing the baby’s diapers or breast feeding. “At this stage of the game it's nothing but eat, sleep and poo," said Ritchie, "and the baby isn't that interesting either."

This week's issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is sponsored by:

Dr. Levy's Fine Products, makers of Dr. Levy's Panacea, one of the most remarkable medications ever formulated, offering cures once available only to rich, powerful Republicans.

This amazing product cures headaches (when used in conjunction with aspirin), alleviates gas (when used in conjunction with antacid products) and clears cloudy vision (when used in conjunction with cataract surgery.) 

Dr. Levy's Panacea cures many more ailments, and is so new it has not yet been reported on by the Journal of the American Medical Association. Because of the slow approval process in the United States, Dr. Levy's Panacea is offered for sale only in Thailand and Mexico, two forward looking countries dedicated to the health and well-being of their citizens. 

For literature about the amazing Dr. Levy's Panacea Placebo Tabs, send US $2.50 to Dr. Levy's Fine Products, Caja 111, Matamoros, Mexico. (Act promptly, as this address changes every seven days).

Dr. Levy's fine products are made in Mexico by a real doctor, Dr. Levy.

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright © 2000 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved. Gossip: What former Heisman trophy winning football player who beat a criminal charge of double murder but was found  liable for the deaths in civil court, sat trading hilarious celebrity farting impressions in a well known Miami seafood restaurant with what arrogant and universally despised star of National Lampoon's Vacation movies? Untrue News isn't telling. (hint:  NOT Beverly D'Angelo)

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