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November 11, 2000
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INSIDE:

 

UNTRUE NEWS PREDICTS: Bush wins by 666....p 2.

 

GORE ASKS FOR RECOUNT IN HEAVILY BUDDHIST AREAS...p. 12

 

SPOILER PRIZE: To candidate Ralph Nader, a Corvair...p.14

 

BUCHANAN ACCEPTS JEWISH VOTE: "So why not already?" says candidate...p.22

 

PSYCHIC CHANNELS CHARLES SCHULZ, DRAWS NEW "PEANUTS" STRIPS....p.31

 

HILLARY ELECTED, LAZIO DEMANDS RECOUNT.  Says intelligent voters ganged up against him...p.35

 

Last week's television schedule.....p.44

  FLYING HIGH NOW

The official symbol of the United States will be modified for whichever candidate becomes our new president. It's the American eagle, redesigned with a turd on its head.

  POLITICS AND RELIGION

Governor Mel CarnahanIn Missouri, voters re-elected Senator Mel Carnahan (D-MO), who died in a plane crash last month. A Board of Elections official explained the vote to Untrue News, saying "in Missouri, working people feel that  a dead Democrat will do more for them  than a living Republican."

  DRUGS AGAINST WAR

Dealer Tim Roscoe, dressed as a police officer, smiles as he dares you to keep off the drugs he's selling. "You can't, they're that good" Roscoe told our photographer. Asked why he had never been apprehended, Roscoe said "I keep a low profile."

  DAPPER DON DEAD MAN WALKING

Jailed Mafia boss John Gotti was diagnosed with neck and throat cancer and doctors have given him less than a year to live. In an exclusive interview with Untrue News, Gotti said "Why me?"

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS:
  HI-HO STEVERINO

We mourn the passing of Steve Allen (1921--2000)  one of the greats until he got crazy later on.

  POSTERS THE SIZE OF HER EGO

Being an international supermodel has given Liz Hurley a dreadful fear of airports. "It was freakish, to suddenly see myself on posters and on the newsstand," Hurley told our film and movie critic Avon Proctor. "Everywhere I looked there are these huge posters of me.  They are in airports, at bus stops, all over town. When I lived in L.A., outside my apartment I could see this massive billboard, off Sunset Boulevard, of me covered in flowers sitting in a field in a pink cardie. I hated it. Then there were the huge billboards of me all over town, oh, it was so awful, and the hundreds of magazine covers of me, and the giant Vogue posters of me, pictures of me everywhere, oh, I don't want to talk about it, it upsets me so. There, you can see one right there, look at how big it is, do you like it?"

  FROM THE HEART

 "And before I leave my workplace, dear Lord, please please don't let me come home and find Roger drunk and dinner not ready and all our plans for seeing the off Broadway revival of 'The Birdcage' ruined. Thank you, Lord."

 

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