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GORE ASKS FOR RECOUNT IN HEAVILY BUDDHIST
SPOILER PRIZE: To candidate Ralph Nader, a Corvair...p.14
BUCHANAN ACCEPTS JEWISH VOTE: "So why not already?"
PSYCHIC CHANNELS CHARLES SCHULZ, DRAWS NEW
HILLARY ELECTED, LAZIO DEMANDS RECOUNT. Says
intelligent voters ganged up against him...p.35
Last week's television schedule.....p.44
FLYING HIGH NOW
The official symbol of the United States will be
modified for whichever candidate becomes our new president. It's the American eagle,
redesigned with a turd on its head.
POLITICS AND RELIGION
In Missouri, voters re-elected
Senator Mel Carnahan (D-MO), who died in a plane crash last month. A Board of Elections
official explained the vote to Untrue News, saying "in Missouri, working people feel that
a dead Democrat will do more for them than a living Republican."
DRUGS AGAINST WAR
Dealer Tim Roscoe, dressed as a police officer, smiles
as he dares you to keep off the drugs he's selling. "You can't, they're that good" Roscoe
told our photographer. Asked why he had never been apprehended, Roscoe said "I keep a low
DAPPER DON DEAD MAN WALKING
Jailed Mafia boss John Gotti was diagnosed with neck
and throat cancer and doctors have given him less than a year to live. In an exclusive
interview with Untrue News, Gotti said "Why me?"
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS:
We mourn the passing of Steve Allen (1921--2000)
one of the greats until he got crazy later on.
POSTERS THE SIZE OF HER EGO
Being an international supermodel has given Liz Hurley a
dreadful fear of airports. "It was freakish, to suddenly see myself on posters and on the
newsstand," Hurley told our film and movie critic Avon Proctor. "Everywhere I looked there
are these huge posters of me. They are in airports, at bus stops, all over town. When I
lived in L.A., outside my apartment I could see this massive billboard, off Sunset Boulevard,
of me covered in flowers sitting in a field in a pink cardie. I hated it. Then there were the
huge billboards of me all over town, oh, it was so awful, and the hundreds of magazine covers
of me, and the giant Vogue posters of me, pictures of me everywhere, oh, I don't want to talk
about it, it upsets me so. There, you can see one right there, look at how big it is, do you
FROM THE HEART
"And before I leave my workplace, dear Lord, please
please don't let me come home and find Roger drunk and dinner not ready and all our plans for
seeing the off Broadway revival of 'The Birdcage' ruined. Thank you, Lord."
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