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This week's issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by the State of Florida, America's penis since 1819.
http://untruenews.com

November 18, 2000
Click here for the latest issue.

AND THE BAND PLAYED ON

CheneyThe Florida Supreme Court barred the state from declaring George W. Bush the winner in the Presidential election. "As we say around the office, the worm turns," said Mark Fabiani, spokesman for Al Gore. Mr. Fabiani declined to say which worm was turning, but pointed out that at a recent press conference Dick Cheney looked dizzy.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Untrue News congratulates the Democratic Party and the Republican Party and their presidential candidates  for their patience and their statesmanship as the final election results are tallied. And further bravos go to Florida's Secretary of State Katherine Harris for her brave, apolitical stance, and her carefully considered, wise, objective legal decisions which put her above the partisan fray. Is this a great country, or what?

LEST WE FORGET...

There was also an election in Canada. To the victor: Mangez moi, monsieur, mangez moi!

NO MORE TAXES


"Additional funding my ass! My kid rides the bus to school every day, and if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for the rest of you!"

EDITORIAL:

OUR FIRST LAWSUIT THREAT!
November 18, 2000

Many thanks to the good folks at Cybertracker for sending us a cheesy email form letter threatening legal action. Ignoring our motto "If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue" these clowns plunge right in and whine about an item which appeared on page two of Untrue News - January 8, 2000. The letter we received was dated November 15, 2000. The cyber-trackers strike like lightning.

Very.   Slow.    L i g h t n i n g.

The item they complained about in our Jan 8 issue was the phrase " Jennifer Love Hewitt nude -- maybe". The maybe is important, as our issue did not include any photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE,  nor did we ever intend to publish any photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE. We don't want to publish photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE. We would not publish photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE even if you paid us, so there. We have the utmost respect and admiration for JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE or fully clothed.

These ace sleuths evidently used a search engine (a rather slow one, it seems) to seek out any item on the web which contained the phrase JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE, and sent out their little threat. Well, Mr. or Ms. Lin Milano and your cybertrack buddies, be aware that we have absolutely zero interest in seeing photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE, and we will endeavor to refrain from using the phrase JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE whether we have any photos or not.  Not only that, but a careful reading of our Jan 8 publication clearly shows we were talking about JENNIFER LOVE HEWETT NUDE, not JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE. Okay? Rest in peace.

Cordially,

Mark McGuffin
Sue-ee
mcguffin@untruenews.com

PS: Letters of support and contributions to the McGuffin defense fund are welcome, please do not request photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE as we don't have any photos of  JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE.

For Jennifer's side of the story, visit her new website:
http://jenniferlovehewittonline.com

You can almost see her tits in a couple of her website pictures, just a word to the wise. But don't look for any photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE, we did and there are none to be found.

FOR RESEARCHERS AND COMPLETISTS:

See the actual letter from Cyber-tracker at :
Our First Lawsuit Threat!
See our issue of Jan 8, 2000 in our archives:
http://untruenews.com/2000/jan08
CORRECTION:

In a recent issue we thanked the editors of the Encyclopedia of American Journalism for declaring McGuffin's Untrue News winner of their "most vicious writing" category. Upon picking up our award, however, we discovered it was for "most viscous writing". We apologize for getting it wrong, but thank the editors anyway. 

GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME


Board calls illustrations in sex education textbook  "inaccurate". 

 

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS:

WE LOVE HEWITT

Speaking of the luminous Jennifer Love Hewitt, Untrue News sends congratulations to the producers of her movie The Suburbans, which was released one year ago and has so far grossed over $95,000. That's a lot of shekels, guys.

OLD FOGERS NEVER DIE

Workers at New York's City Center for the Performing Arts (called by New Yorkers, who have that wonderful way of abbreviating things "City Center")  have discovered a hidden treasure trove of memorabilia belonging to Max Liebman, a pioneer television producer in the 1950's. The Liebman items include many things not seen since the 50's, including scripts for Your Show of Shows, a kinescope of The Admiral Broadway Revue, and Howard Morris.

TAKE ONE FREE.

From our breathtaking collection of the World's Least Loved Recordings.

For years the original masters of these recordings have been gathering dust in a cheap warehouse near the Ohio-Pennsylvania border. We've dug them out and can offer newly remastered CDs of these long forgotten and seldom played albums. Now they can all be yours. Join today at our low club prices, we'll send you absolutely free the album of your choice, when you agree to purchase an album a month for the next 30 years. Signing up is easy, all we need is your name, address and credit card numbers.

Make your selection from the cd's listed below, or any others in our free catalog:

 

Hindemuth Symphony in E. Coli. Written in Salzburg, just before the composer became seriously ill. John Tesch conducts the Symphony Orchestra of Greenland.

 

 

Swans sing Rogers & Hammerstein. Swans had to learn two new chords and do fewer repeats than usual for this album of show tunes.

The punk-fusion-grunge-
alternative-rave-garage-metal-
hip-hop-trance- doowop- disco-satanist-crossover band "Chapped Lips" self-titled debut album.
Chapped Lips manages to fuse the worst elements of all the above-mentioned genres into one grotesque cacophony of meaningless noise. Great for teens or for drowning out the bulldozers next door.!

Jeannie Bowen Skenkie. Queen of Country Rest Rooms. Includes the hit "Still Alone" (Take My Kids and Take My House But Leave My Still Alone)

 

Spoken Word: Yasmine Bleeth reads Dickens' "The Old Curiosity Shop". Tender, selfish interpretation of this lesser known wooly mammoth of a novel. (12 cd set)

 

 

 

 

Art Garfunkel: 
Alone at Last.  His solo album.

 

 

 

Larry Janahowczski Band: Polka People. Every polka you love is here, plus others. Includes "The Typewriter Polka", "The Whiffenpoof Polka", "The Anti-Semite Polka", "The Popsicle Polka" and more.

The Beast of Broadway. Trained animals squawk, bleat, bark, meow, and moo songs of the Great White Way. "I Don't Know How to Love Him" "Music of the Night" "Being Alive" "Soliloquy" from Carousel "Pinball Wizard" 22 selections plus six bonus tracks of alternate takes.

The Very Best of Don Ho.

...and hundreds more to choose from.

Take this music into your home. It'll grow on you like liver spots. You've got so much love to give, give it to the World's Least Loved Recordings. Everybody needs love.

World's Least Loved Recordings
Box 111, Moore, OK 73153

 

McGuffin's Untrue News Copyright 2000 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.
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