The Florida Supreme Court
barred the state from declaring George W. Bush the winner in the
Presidential election. "As we say around the office, the worm
turns," said Mark Fabiani, spokesman for Al Gore. Mr. Fabiani
declined to say which worm was turning, but pointed out that at a recent
press conference Dick Cheney looked dizzy.
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Untrue News congratulates the
Democratic Party and the Republican Party and their presidential
candidates for their patience and their statesmanship as the final
election results are tallied. And further bravos go to Florida's
Secretary of State Katherine Harris for her brave, apolitical stance,
and her carefully considered, wise, objective legal decisions which put
her above the partisan fray. Is this a great country, or what?
LEST WE FORGET...
There was also an election in
Canada. To the victor: Mangez moi, monsieur, mangez moi!
NO MORE TAXES
"Additional funding my ass! My kid rides the bus to school every
day, and if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for the rest of
you!"
EDITORIAL:
OUR FIRST LAWSUIT THREAT!
November 18, 2000
Many thanks to the good folks at Cybertracker for sending us a cheesy
email form letter threatening legal action. Ignoring our motto "If
we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue" these clowns plunge
right in and whine about an item which appeared on page two of Untrue News
- January 8, 2000. The letter we received was dated November 15, 2000. The
cyber-trackers strike like lightning.
Very. Slow.
L i g h t n i n g.
The item they complained about
in our Jan 8 issue was the phrase " Jennifer Love Hewitt nude --
maybe". The maybe is important, as our issue did not include any
photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE, nor did we ever intend
to publish any photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE. We don't want
to publish photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE. We would not
publish photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE even if you paid us,
so there. We have the utmost respect and admiration for JENNIFER LOVE
HEWITT NUDE or fully clothed.
These ace sleuths evidently
used a search engine (a rather slow one, it seems) to seek out any item
on the web which contained the phrase JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE,
and sent out their little threat. Well, Mr. or Ms. Lin Milano and your
cybertrack buddies, be aware that we have absolutely zero interest in
seeing photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE, and we will endeavor
to refrain from using the phrase JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE
whether we have any photos or not. Not only that, but a careful
reading of our Jan 8 publication clearly shows we were talking about JENNIFER
LOVE HEWETT NUDE, not JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE. Okay? Rest in peace.
PS: Letters of support and
contributions to the McGuffin defense fund are welcome, please do not
request photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE as we don't have any
photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE.
You can almost see her tits in
a couple of her website pictures, just a word to the wise. But don't
look for any photos of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE, we did and
there are none to be found.
In a recent issue we thanked
the editors of the Encyclopedia of American Journalism for declaring
McGuffin's Untrue News winner of their "most vicious writing"
category. Upon picking up our award, however, we discovered it was for
"most viscous writing". We apologize for getting it wrong, but
thank the editors anyway.
GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
Board calls illustrations in sex education textbook
"inaccurate".
NEWS
OF SHOW BUSINESS:
WE LOVE HEWITT
Speaking of the luminous
Jennifer Love Hewitt, Untrue News sends congratulations to the producers
of her movie The Suburbans, which was released one year ago and has so
far grossed over $95,000. That's a lot of shekels, guys.
OLD FOGERS NEVER DIE
Workers at New York's City
Center for the Performing Arts (called by New Yorkers, who have that
wonderful way of abbreviating things "City Center") have
discovered a hidden treasure trove of memorabilia belonging to Max
Liebman, a pioneer television producer in the 1950's. The Liebman items
include many things not seen since the 50's, including scripts for Your
Show of Shows, a kinescope of The Admiral Broadway Revue, and Howard
Morris.
TAKE ONE FREE.
From our breathtaking collection of the World's Least Loved Recordings.
For years the original masters of these recordings have been gathering dust in a cheap warehouse near the Ohio-Pennsylvania border. We've dug them out and can offer newly remastered CDs of these long forgotten and seldom played albums. Now they can all be yours. Join today at our low club prices, we'll send you absolutely free the album of your choice, when you agree to purchase an album a month for the next 30 years. Signing up is easy, all we need is your name, address and credit card numbers.
Make your selection from the
cd's listed below, or any others in our free catalog:
Hindemuth Symphony in E. Coli. Written in Salzburg, just before the composer became seriously ill.
John Tesch conducts the Symphony Orchestra of
Greenland.
Swans sing Rogers & Hammerstein. Swans had to learn two new chords and do fewer repeats than usual for this album of show tunes.
The
punk-fusion-grunge-
alternative-rave-garage-metal-
hip-hop-trance- doowop- disco-satanist-crossover band "Chapped Lips" self-titled debut album.
Chapped Lips
manages to fuse the worst elements of all the above-mentioned genres into one grotesque cacophony of meaningless noise. Great for teens or for drowning out the bulldozers next door.!
Jeannie Bowen Skenkie. Queen of Country Rest Rooms. Includes the hit "Still Alone" (Take My Kids and Take My House But Leave My Still Alone)
Spoken Word: Yasmine Bleeth
reads Dickens' "The Old Curiosity Shop". Tender, selfish interpretation of this lesser known wooly mammoth of a novel. (12 cd set)
Art Garfunkel:
Alone at Last. His solo album.
Larry Janahowczski Band: Polka People. Every polka you love is here, plus others. Includes "The Typewriter Polka", "The Whiffenpoof Polka", "The Anti-Semite Polka", "The Popsicle Polka" and more.
The Beast of Broadway. Trained animals squawk, bleat, bark, meow, and moo songs of the Great White Way. "I Don't Know How to Love Him" "Music of the Night" "Being Alive" "Soliloquy" from Carousel "Pinball Wizard" 22 selections plus six bonus tracks of alternate takes.
The Very Best of Don Ho.
...and hundreds more to choose from.
Take this music into your home. It'll grow on you like liver spots. You've got so much love to give, give it to the World's Least Loved Recordings. Everybody needs love.
World's Least Loved
Recordings
Box 111, Moore, OK 73153
The Florida Supreme Court
barred the state from declaring George W. Bush the winner in the
Presidential election. "As we say around the office, the worm
turns," said Mark Fabiani, spokesman for Al Gore. Mr. Fabiani
declined to say which worm was turning, but pointed out that at a recent
press conference Dick Cheney looked dizzy.
...and hundreds more to choose from.