SEX SEX AND MORE SEX. ALL THE SEX YOU NEED. ALL THE SEX
YOU WANT. ALL THE SEX YOUR NEIGHBOR WANTS. AND MORE.
(Don't get mad, there
actually are a few items about sex in this issue)
America's probable vice-president-elect
Dick Cheney suffered a mild heart attack on Wednesday. Democrats say the heart
attack is "too little, too late."
LET'S MAKE A DEAL
Chinese Foreign Ministry released a statement promising not to sell
missiles or components to countries developing nuclear weapons,
including Pakistan, Iran and North Korea. America has long suspected
China of aiding these countries in developing nuclear warheads.
"Cross our hearts and hope to die," said foreign Ministry
spokesman Sun Yuxi. "We will absolutely not sell any of the nuclear
technology we stole from America to other nations, unless of course
there is some trouble with the trade agreement, or you guys start giving
us shit about human rights."
YOU CAN'T QUIT... YOU'RE FIRED
Fujimori's belongings (they claim) being physically removed from the
For the first time in the country's history, Peru's congress has
fired a president. President Alberto Fujimori was declared "morally
unfit" to govern following his resignation over the weekend. Mr.
Fujimori, who is of Japanese ancestry, called from a massage parlor in
Tokyo to resign. He says he has no immediate plans to return to Peru.
Interviewed at a strip club on the Ginza, Mr. Fujimori denied that the
corruption scandals in his government caused his resignation, telling
Untrue News "Once I hit Tokyo and tasted the Kobe beef and that
fantastic odoro sushi, you couldn't keep me away. Do I care about giving
up power? Pass me another Kirin, amigo."
The lawsuits continue.
sex model Vicky DeLaye has sued Jennifer Love Hewitt. DeLaye's body
appears on several internet porn sites in various sexual positions with
the face of Hewitt digitally grafted on. "It's wrong." DeLaye
told Untrue News. "Why should she get credit for my body just
because she's a film star? It isn't fair." Hewitt could not be
reached for comment. DeLaye's attorney, Susan Yarasov, said "Whenever
you see a picture of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE you can bet
somebody is making a buck. The way things are now on these internet porn
sites, Ms. Delaye is nothing more than an unpaid body double for Ms.
Hewitt. My client wants her fair share."
THEY'LL BE MIST
Last week, CNN anchor Bernard Shaw said that he will be retiring from
the news channel in January. At the same time, Fred Rogers said that he
will be leaving his PBS show Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. The pair will
rest and travel before kicking off a promotional campaign for their new
men's spray cologne, "Jazzman."
DON'T GIVE UP
YOUR DAY JOB
Drudge claimed that he was being dropped from his ABC radio show because
of his criticism of ABC and Disney. "I've been a bad
Mouseketeer," he said in an interview with the New York Post. WABC
program director Phil Boyce told the New York Daily News that Drudge was
not fired for his reporting. "It was the hat." said Boyce.
"We just couldn't stand the fucking hat."
Today's issue Nov 25, 2000. If Nov 25 is your birthday, you share it
with John Larroquette, Bucky Dent, and actor Charlie Holliday, who
played a tourist in "Ed Wood."
Howard Stern has complained on the air that he has not been offered a
new contract by CBS despite the fact that his current one expires next
month, CBS chief Mel Karmazin is saying that the company plans to
re-sign him. Karmazin, who backed Stern through a series of FCC
squabbles when the shock-jock's shows were carried by Karmazin's
Infinity Broadcasting, is quoted in Tuesday's New York Post as saying,
"Howard and I have been together too long, through too much, to
have a parting of the ways." A formal wedding is planned for June.
The couple will honeymoon in Belize.
NEPOTISM AT THE NETWORK
by Untrue News political reporter Tom Tettrazzini
A first cousin of George W. Bush headed Fox News's election-night
decision desk and recommended calling Florida -- and the election -- for
Bush, making Fox the first network to do so, according to The New
Yorker. "Everyone followed us," the cousin, John Ellis, told
the magazine. Indeed, the other networks, NBC, CBS, CNN and ABC,
followed within four minutes. Less than two hours later, however, the
networks retracted their decision and reported that the state -- and the
election -- remained undecided. "The call -- wrong, unnecessary,
misguided and foolish, helped create a sense that this election went to
Bush, was pulled back and he is waiting to be restored" said a Gore
spokesperson. The cousin's name again is John Ellis, c/o Fox News in New
York City, if anyone wants to send him a Christmas card.
Tom Rosenstiel, director of the Project for Excellence in Journalism,
told Untrue News: "The notion that you'd have the cousin of one
presidential candidate in a position to call a state is
unthinkable." "Nobody has ever accused the Fox network of
thinking" said Fox Vice President John (I Am A Weasel) Moody.
Denying responsibility as usual, Moody said there was "no
appearance of impropriety" in Ellis' action. Moody is the same guy
who said there was "no appearance of impropriety" in the O.J.
"Junior, if you keep doing that,
your hand will freeze that way."
McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright
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Mark McGuffin, PO Box 111, Lake Forest, Ill. 60045