November 25 2000 Untrue News

"We Report--You Shut Up"
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SEX SEX AND MORE SEX. ALL THE SEX YOU NEED. ALL THE SEX YOU WANT. ALL THE SEX YOUR NEIGHBOR WANTS. AND MORE.
(Don't get mad, there actually are a few items about sex in this issue)

BYPASSED

America's probable vice-president-elect Dick Cheney suffered a mild heart attack on Wednesday. Democrats say the heart attack is "too little, too late."

LET'S MAKE A DEAL

1124_singapore.gif (22945 bytes) The Chinese Foreign Ministry released a statement promising not to sell missiles or components to countries developing nuclear weapons, including Pakistan, Iran and North Korea. America has long suspected China of aiding these countries in developing nuclear warheads. "Cross our hearts and hope to die," said foreign Ministry spokesman Sun Yuxi. "We will absolutely not sell any of the nuclear technology we stole from America to other nations, unless of course there is some trouble with the trade agreement, or you guys start giving us shit about human rights."

YOU CAN'T QUIT... YOU'RE FIRED

The presidential residence is being cleared of Fujimori's belongings

Mr. Fujimori's belongings (they claim) being physically removed from the presidential palace.

For the first time in the country's history, Peru's congress has fired a president. President Alberto Fujimori was declared "morally unfit" to govern following his resignation over the weekend. Mr. Fujimori, who is of Japanese ancestry, called from a massage parlor in Tokyo to resign. He says he has no immediate plans to return to Peru. Interviewed at a strip club on the Ginza, Mr. Fujimori denied that the corruption scandals in his government caused his resignation, telling Untrue News "Once I hit Tokyo and tasted the Kobe beef and that fantastic odoro sushi, you couldn't keep me away. Do I care about giving up power? Pass me another Kirin, amigo."

This is NOT Jennifer Love Hewitt Nude! Ms. Hewitt has never posed NUDE for the Untrue News, and we don't expect that this will change anytime soon. Repeat, this is NOT Jennifer Love Hewitt, nude.

POT SUES KETTLE

The lawsuits continue.

Hardcore sex model Vicky DeLaye has sued Jennifer Love Hewitt. DeLaye's body appears on several internet porn sites in various sexual positions with the face of Hewitt digitally grafted on. "It's wrong." DeLaye told Untrue News. "Why should she get credit for my body just because she's a film star? It isn't fair." Hewitt could not be reached for comment. DeLaye's attorney, Susan Yarasov, said "Whenever you see a picture of JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT NUDE you can bet somebody is making a buck. The way things are now on these internet porn sites, Ms. Delaye is nothing more than an unpaid body double for Ms. Hewitt. My client wants her fair share."

THEY'LL BE MIST

Last week, CNN anchor Bernard Shaw said that he will be retiring from the news channel in January. At the same time, Fred Rogers said that he will be leaving his PBS show Mister Rogers' Neighborhood. The pair will rest and travel before kicking off a promotional campaign for their new men's spray cologne, "Jazzman."

DON'T GIVE UP YOUR DAY JOB

Matt Drudge claimed that he was being dropped from his ABC radio show because of his criticism of ABC and Disney. "I've been a bad Mouseketeer," he said in an interview with the New York Post. WABC program director Phil Boyce told the New York Daily News that Drudge was not fired for his reporting. "It was the hat." said Boyce. "We just couldn't stand the fucking hat."

Today's issue Nov 25, 2000. If Nov 25 is your birthday, you share it with John Larroquette, Bucky Dent, and actor Charlie Holliday, who played a tourist in "Ed Wood."

Although Howard Stern has complained on the air that he has not been offered a new contract by CBS despite the fact that his current one expires next month, CBS chief Mel Karmazin is saying that the company plans to re-sign him. Karmazin, who backed Stern through a series of FCC squabbles when the shock-jock's shows were carried by Karmazin's Infinity Broadcasting, is quoted in Tuesday's New York Post as saying, "Howard and I have been together too long, through too much, to have a parting of the ways." A formal wedding is planned for June. The couple will honeymoon in Belize.

NEPOTISM AT THE NETWORK
by Untrue News political reporter Tom Tettrazzini

A first cousin of George W. Bush headed Fox News's election-night decision desk and recommended calling Florida -- and the election -- for Bush, making Fox the first network to do so, according to The New Yorker. "Everyone followed us," the cousin, John Ellis, told the magazine. Indeed, the other networks, NBC, CBS, CNN and ABC, followed within four minutes. Less than two hours later, however, the networks retracted their decision and reported that the state -- and the election -- remained undecided. "The call -- wrong, unnecessary, misguided and foolish, helped create a sense that this election went to Bush, was pulled back and he is waiting to be restored" said a Gore spokesperson. The cousin's name again is John Ellis, c/o Fox News in New York City, if anyone wants to send him a Christmas card.

Tom Rosenstiel, director of the Project for Excellence in Journalism, told Untrue News: "The notion that you'd have the cousin of one presidential candidate in a position to call a state is unthinkable." "Nobody has ever accused the Fox network of thinking" said Fox Vice President John (I Am A Weasel) Moody. Denying responsibility as usual, Moody said there was "no appearance of impropriety" in Ellis' action. Moody is the same guy who said there was "no appearance of impropriety" in the O.J. Simpson trial.

"Junior, if you keep doing that,
your hand will freeze that way."

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Exclusive interview with Michael Jackson! Michael speaks about the accusations against him.

Jackson -- "That would be wrong!"