This week: SEX, SEX AND MORE SEX. WILD, CRAZY, HOT, OUT-OF-YOUR MIND SEX.

There. If that doesn't get us a few hits from the search engines, nothing will.

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October 14, 2000

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HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU: THE LATEST ON THE ARAB-ISRAELI CONFLICT

Does Yassir Arafat have wild sex?We understand there is some trouble going on in Israel, with Israelis and Palestinians at war. Well, that's been going on pretty much forever, hasn't it? We'll bring you the latest developments if anything happens that hasn't been happening since 1946. Peace out!

 

SOME ARE LESS EQUAL THAN OTHERS

Britain's major broadcasters issued a manifesto calling for specific increases in the employment of minorities in the television industry. To prove the point, Carlton TV's CEO Clive Jones sent his staff a terse two word memo reading "More Pakis".

LISTENING TO THE CANDIDATES DEBATE

It isn't clear who won the second Gore-Bush debate this week, but a rumor is circulating that following the broadcast, both candidates' urine tested positive for steroids.

Steroids? Me? Do I look like I have frequent crazy wild sex???
Steroids? Me? Do I look like I have frequent crazy wild sex???

CASHING IN

This pic is not sexy, in fact it has absolutely nothing at all to do with hot nasty sex.

Following a growing trend started by the motion picture and television industries, police surveillance photos are now featuring product placements.

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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

NEWS OF SCIENCE AND MEDICINE BY OUR SCIENCE REPORTER Dr. Mel E. Levine:

No-one is less sexy than our own Doctor Mel.I auditioned for "Show Time at the Apollo" but apparently they're either not producing it any longer or my comedy was "too white" for them or something, but I never heard back. I thought I did really well. On the scientific front, there is good news and bad news. THE GOOD NEWS: A study in the journal SCIENCE states that because of advances in medicine, people may live to be 130 years old or more. THE BAD NEWS: Strom Thurmond is only 97. --MEL

 
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LET HER SING

Actually, Laura Ingraham IS less sexy than our own Doc Mel, but you didn't hear it from us.Nasal-voiced Laura Ingraham is suddenly being touted (by her press agents) as a political analyst.

Asked about her qualifications for the role of political analyst, Ms. Ingraham said something, but the reporter assigned to the interview was unable to hear her answer when the sound of her voice made his eardrums bleed, causing temporary deafness. Untrue News has learned that Ingraham's voice is registered with the Washington D.C. police as a lethal weapon.

AND IF SHE WERE TWINS, SHE'D BE TWICE AS GOODHalle Berry naked? Who knows. But it's certain that it would be a hot sexy photo! But, alas, there are no topless, naked, nude photos or steamy pics of Halle Berry in Swordfish, or even as a Bond Girl.

Discussing her decision to appear topless in her upcoming film Swordfish, Halle Berry told the showbiz publication Daily Variety, "Maybe you donít want to see me naked, but it is not about that. Itís about what I want and whether this role will challenge me." Asked if everything on earth was about her, Berry nodded modestly. Later Berry claimed her statement "Maybe you don't want to see me naked" was meant as humor. "Who wouldn't want to see me naked?" she laughed.

 

DONUT GETS FROSTED

Hitchhiker Ron Romano, dressed as a donut, told our photographer he didn't understand why he wasn't getting his hoped for ride. "I've been standing here with my thumb out for seven hours" said Romano. "I'm ready to give up and take the bus."

 

PEOPLE SEE FACE OF JESUS IN UNTRUE NEWS AD

People have been flooding our phone lines and email to tell us that if they click on a certain Untrue News sponsor, they see the face of Jesus. We can't tell you which sponsor, as we are not allowed to solicit your clicks. Hey, we don't even know if it's true or not. Enough said. 


This issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is sponsored by:
THE McGUFFIN MINT. 

Ever since it stopped being illegal to deface government coins, we have been offering these investment quality coins to collectors. Most private mints and coin dealers offer standard red white and blue colorized versions of US Coins, but we go one better. We offer coins which have been hand dipped in green paint! We don't just color parts of the coin, we color the ENTIRE COIN. What's more, our coins are not limited to the collector coins issued by the mint to make a profit. We use coins right out of circulation, pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters that you might find in your purse or pocket right now.

That's what makes this offer so exciting! If you were to buy a colorized Sacadajawa or however the hell you spell it dollar, you'd pay at least $19.95, a whopping 20 times above face value! Not at the McGuffin Mint. We sell these hand dipped coin specimens for far less. For example, one hundred hand dipped pennies for only ten dollars. One hundred hand dipped nickels for only fifty dollars, or ten times face value! You can't beat a deal like this at any coin store for three times the price.

Order now, and we'll sell your name to every sucker list in the world, especially if you think you understand the previous sentence. That's our promise to you for prompt ordering. Ask for Total Color Coins, specify pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters or dollars. Minimum order 100 coins. Enclose ten times face value plus $29.95 shipping and handling. We'll do the rest.

THE McGUFFIN MINT, Box 111, Williamsport, PA 17701

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2002 by Fool Moon LLC. All rights reserved.

Dear Bette Midler: We saw your sitcom.

 

The Paranoia Files went here.

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