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October 28, 2000

Our concession to Halloween:

THE UNTRUE NEWS PREDICTS: METS IN FOUR!!

EDITORIAL: WHICH CANDIDATE?

By Mark McGuffin, editor and publisher

We can feel the hot breath of election day on our asses, and whether we like it or not (and many do) we must make our decision about who to vote for. Untrue News is still undecided about which candidate to support. Al Gore scratches the backs of the special interest groups, and they scratch his. With Bush the reverse is true. And remember, your vote only counts if they count your vote. So be sure to vote in an honest district. --MMcG

VOTE ALL YOU WANT, BUT EAT ALL YOU VOTE

NEW YORKERS TAKE NOTE: Hilary Clinton has set up a special "All You Can Vote" booth on Lexington Avenue and E. 78th Street in Manhattan. The machines are specially designed to allow Clinton voters to pull the Clinton lever as many times as they like. The booth will be open on election day from six a.m. until closed by police.

ELTON BLOWS OUT ANOTHER CANDLE

In a related story, Elton John performed at a high-ticket concert fund-raiser for Hillary Clinton in Manhattan, and Untrue News has learned hes penned a special ballad to her a la the song he wrote to Princess Diana. A spokesman for the singer said "Elton feels about Hillary the same way he feels about Princess Di and Marilyn Monroe...he adores her and hopes that when she dies he can wear her gowns.""

FROSTY THE PUMPKIN

Manitoba resident Les MacNeill celebrates the arrival of Halloween by observing the Province's traditional "dig yourself out" ritual.

PYRRHIC DEFEAT

Investigators say that a 17-year-old Nashville boy put together a to-do list aimed at killing members of the pop group 'N Sync. Authorities learned of the teenager's plan last week when his mother found a folder with the checklist inside, said the Sumner County Sheriff's office. His plans included robbing a Nashville gun store to get weapons and then traveling to Atlanta, where 'N Sync had an Oct. 21 concert date. Sheriff's investigators told Untrue News "Hell, if it'd been Marilyn Manson he was killing, we'd have just let him do it, but this is 'N Sync." 

LONG LIVE THE KINGS

The 2001 Hockey Season started last week. The season is expected to end in 2006.

SEND HOME THE CLOWNS

Midge Baxter (r) and Helen Pepperdine, dressed as clowns, begin their 20 mile walkathon for charity. During their walk the team raised $600. and terrified 150 
children.

WHERE IS JOSE CUERVO WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

 

Because of a poor season for Mexican Algarve cactus, the raw material used in making tequila, distillers are announcing an impending tequila shortage. In a contrasting story, the makers of Cold Duck sparkling beverage expect a banner year, due to a large increase in the supply of weasel piss.

This week's issue of Untrue News is sponsored by OPEC, the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries.

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