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September 2, 2000

This week's issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is sponsored by the Ebola Missouri Chamber of Commerce. Friends, the city of Ebola is suffering from a lack of tourism, brought about by the naming of the so-called Ebola virus. People think they will contract the disease if they visit our hot springs and maybe get bit by one of our mosquitoes. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Okay, if you said that Hitler was the illegitimate grandfather of actor Marlon Wayons, that might be further from the truth, but you know what we mean. So folks, let's think up a better name for that deadly African germ, let's call it the Pittsfield virus, or the Cincinnati virus and see how the citizens of those towns like it. Meanwhile, please visit Ebola, Missouri, where the people are friendly, the hot springs are hot, and the coffee shop has the best damn blueberry syrup you've ever tasted. 
Ebola (Missouri) Fever! Catch it!

 

SPECIAL LABOR DAY WEEKEND EDITION.

IN CANADA, SPECIAL LABOUR DAY WEEKEND EDITION.

 

SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING

violent crimesWhite House officials announced that crime in the US last year decreased by ten percent. Statistically, the drop means that for the first time since 1973 the United States is safer to live in than Rwanda.

 

MICROSOFT--THE CONCORD OF SOFTWARE

Microsoft will mass-mail disks offering free online hours for its Microsoft Network. Microsoft execs say the plan is necessary to compete with AOL which has been wooing subscribers with free online disks for years. Beta testers who have reviewed the new program say that in order to make AOL users comfortable, the MSN disk has been programmed to freeze or crash at random times, but at least twice every day. "That's the reason it crashes so often, so it will be like AOL" said a snickering Bill Gates. "No, honestly. I mean it."

 

A COKE FOR JUSTICE THOMAS PLEASE

The Supreme Court has continued a ban on the use of marijuana for medical purposes. The lone dissenting voice, Justice John Paul Stevens, contended the government had failed to show that the use of marijuana by seriously ill and dying patients would undermine the public interest. In a rare instance of the court commenting to the media, Justice Clarence Thomas told Untrue Newsletter "Dying patients who smoke marijuana definitely undermine the public interest. Suppose they get well. Suppose they start feeling good enough to leave their sickbeds and hit the street. Do you want to see a bunch of sick pot smokers hanging out on the corner every time your driver takes you to have your hair dyed? I certainly don't."

 

I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, BUT I KNOW WHAT I HATE

Constellation Quasar Repetition is the title of this work by local artist Simeon Rafeedie. Untrue News art critic Angela Bristol says "Rafeedie's piece is the highlight of the (tri-county artists) show. The rich red of the crushed oil drum contrasted with the slick black floor on which it rests gives the work tactile energy and textural naturalism without overpowering the senses. The detritus in the background represents Rafeedie's view that all art is a junk heap."

 

TRUE NEWS FROM UNTRUE NEWS

IRS1.jpg (23439 bytes)Although truth is as welcome here as Matt Hale at an orthodox bris, every so often we come across an item which, although true, deserves inclusion. The following is just such an item. You will be happy to learn that if your child is kidnapped, the IRS allows you to continue your income tax exemption for one year. If your child is not found after that, well, sorry, the IRS will disallow any exemptions for that missing kid. The good news though, is that if you pay ransom for your child's return, that amount IS deductible (although it's our guess that if you pay more ransom than seems reasonable for the amount you earn, you'll trigger an IRS audit). Solution: Keep an eye on your children, and avoid problems with the IRS.

 

ANOTHER QUARTER HEARD FROM

A Hollywood scenarist has purchased an ad critical of Al Gore and Sen. Joe Lieberman. photo of Joe Eszterhas"I'm a writer who likes pushing the envelope, and Joe Lieberman frightens me," said screenwriter Joe Eszterhas (Basic Instinct) in a full page ad in the show business paper Daily Variety. The ad quotes Lieberman as threatening government censorship of the film and TV industry. The ad raises the serious question: who cares what Joe Eszterhas thinks?

 

RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON THEIR HEADS

Some fans remain in the stands after rain caused the cancellation of an outdoor concert by Sarah McLachlan. Bill Stinson (right) told Untrue News "watching the rain hitting the stage was much more fun than listening to McLachlan." The next day the sky cleared and McLachlan returned, singing three songs during her four hour performance.

 

THEY'RE IN THE MONEY

Because of the enormous popularity of the tv show "Survivor" CBS has planned a second series which will debut on Jan 28, 2001, immediately following the Super bowl, which CBS is broadcasting this year. CBS prexy Les (I cringe when I look at myself) Moonves announced that the combined revenues from the Super bowl and Survivor II will make the night of Jan 28th the most profitable in television history. After saying this, a giddy Moonves excused himself to change his pants.

 

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