This week's issue of
McGuffin's Untrue News is sponsored by the Ebola Missouri Chamber of
Commerce. Friends, the city of Ebola is suffering from a lack of tourism,
brought about by the naming of the so-called Ebola virus. People think
they will contract the disease if they visit our hot springs and maybe get
bit by one of our mosquitoes. Nothing could be further from the
Okay, if you said that Hitler was the illegitimate grandfather of actor
Marlon Wayons, that might be further from the truth, but you know what we
mean. So folks, let's think up a better name for that deadly African germ,
let's call it the Pittsfield virus, or the Cincinnati virus and see how
the citizens of those towns like it. Meanwhile, please visit Ebola,
Missouri, where the people are friendly, the hot springs are hot, and the
coffee shop has the best damn blueberry syrup you've ever tasted.
Ebola (Missouri) Fever! Catch it!
LABOR DAY WEEKEND EDITION.
CANADA, SPECIAL LABOUR DAY WEEKEND EDITION.
SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING
House officials announced that crime in the US last year decreased by
ten percent. Statistically, the drop means that for the first time since
1973 the United States is safer to live in than Rwanda.
MICROSOFT--THE CONCORD OF SOFTWARE
will mass-mail disks offering free online hours for its Microsoft
Network. Microsoft execs say the plan is necessary to compete with AOL
which has been wooing subscribers with free online disks for years. Beta
testers who have reviewed the new program say that in order to make AOL
users comfortable, the MSN disk has been programmed to freeze or crash
at random times, but at least twice every day. "That's the reason
it crashes so often, so it will be like AOL" said a snickering Bill
Gates. "No, honestly. I mean it."
A COKE FOR JUSTICE THOMAS PLEASE
The Supreme Court has continued a ban on
the use of marijuana for medical purposes. The lone dissenting voice,
Justice John Paul Stevens, contended the government had failed to show
that the use of marijuana by seriously ill and dying patients would
undermine the public interest. In a rare instance of the court
commenting to the media, Justice Clarence Thomas told Untrue Newsletter
"Dying patients who smoke marijuana definitely undermine the public
Suppose they get well. Suppose they start feeling good enough to leave
their sickbeds and hit the street. Do you want to see a bunch of sick
pot smokers hanging out on the corner every time your driver takes you
to have your hair dyed? I certainly don't."
I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT ART, BUT I
KNOW WHAT I HATE
Constellation Quasar Repetition is the
title of this work by local artist Simeon Rafeedie. Untrue News art
critic Angela Bristol says "Rafeedie's piece is the highlight of
the (tri-county artists) show. The rich red of the crushed oil drum
contrasted with the slick black floor on which it rests gives the work
tactile energy and textural naturalism without overpowering
the senses. The detritus in
the background represents Rafeedie's view that all art is a junk
TRUE NEWS FROM UNTRUE NEWS
truth is as welcome here as Matt Hale at an orthodox bris, every so
often we come across an item which, although true, deserves inclusion.
The following is just such an item. You will be happy to learn that if
your child is kidnapped, the IRS allows you to continue your income tax
exemption for one year. If your child is not found after that, well,
sorry, the IRS will disallow any exemptions for that missing kid. The
good news though, is that if you pay ransom for your child's return,
that amount IS deductible (although it's our guess that if you pay more
ransom than seems reasonable for the amount you earn, you'll trigger an
IRS audit). Solution: Keep an eye on your children, and avoid problems
with the IRS.
ANOTHER QUARTER HEARD FROM
A Hollywood scenarist has purchased an ad
critical of Al Gore and Sen. Joe Lieberman. "I'm
a writer who likes pushing the envelope, and Joe Lieberman frightens
me," said screenwriter Joe Eszterhas (Basic Instinct) in a full
page ad in the show business paper Daily Variety. The ad quotes
Lieberman as threatening government censorship of the film and TV
industry. The ad raises the serious question: who cares what Joe
RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON THEIR HEADS
Some fans remain in the stands after rain
caused the cancellation of an outdoor concert by Sarah McLachlan. Bill
Stinson (right) told Untrue
News "watching the rain hitting the stage was much more fun than
listening to McLachlan." The next day the sky cleared and McLachlan
returned, singing three songs during her four hour performance.
THEY'RE IN THE MONEY
of the enormous popularity of the tv show "Survivor" CBS has
planned a second series which will debut on Jan 28, 2001, immediately
following the Super bowl, which CBS is broadcasting this year. CBS prexy
Les (I cringe when I look at myself) Moonves announced that the combined
revenues from the Super bowl and Survivor II will make the night of Jan
28th the most profitable in television history. After saying this, a
giddy Moonves excused himself to change his pants.