This week's edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by International Paper.
"My dad works for International Paper. He makes a very special kind of glue. The milk companies use it on their milk cartons to keep the flap that says "open here" tightly sealed. Then you either have to poke it with a knife, which tears it, or use your dirty fingers to gouge it open. I think my dad helps people. He makes it interesting for them when they try to open milk cartons."
INTERNATIONAL PAPER: Cutting down trees in America since 1908.
NO UNTRUE NEWS NEXT WEEK. THE
NEXT ISSUE WILL APPEAR ON SEP 23.
Special Back to School issue.
Costly fall fashions for kids...p.2
Keep aphids alive all winter....p.3
Fall housecleaning...getting rid of the summer romances...p.6
Composting for apartment dwellers...p.11
91 drinks to get you through the autumn...p.19
Car alarms--your neighbors' best friend...p.24
We Select: The Best films of fall '98......p.36
ALL TOGETHER NOW
More than 150 world leaders met at the United Nations this week. All those who expect anything to get better because of this meeting please raise your hands. Anyone? Anyone at all? Hello?
Cameras and microphones caught George W. Bush referring to New York Times reporter Adam Clymer as a "major league a__hole." Rather than criticize the candidate, we think he is speaking the truth. We believe that Gov. Bush has had his head up his ass long enough to know major league when he sees it.
AND THE MERIT BADGE FOR BASHING GOES TO...
Now that the supreme court has permitted the Boy Scouts to exclude homosexuals from their ranks, each scout will be required to sign a "certificate of heterosexuality" before being admitted. In addition, scouts will be deemed heterosexual if they a) are not that interested in fashion, b) are clumsy on the dance floor and c) disdain show tunes. Scouts who do not meet these criteria will be considered suspect.
ON THE BOY SCOUTS.
An editorial comment by Mark McGuffin.
Now that the Boy Scouts of America are free to exclude gays from their ranks they should consider some changes in the scout uniform. Khaki shorts, knee socks, blousy shirts and neck kerchiefs worn by boys don't really say "straight" to me. Gym teachers of America beware...you are next!
FIGHTING FIRE WITH PAPER
Special Olympic Athletes carry a paper torch at the start of their games in Connecticut. Said Police Safety Officer Archie Bellows "You don't think we'd let those people handle real fire, do you?"
HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET?
John Winslow of Harpertown Road avoided a ticket yesterday when his car skidded out of control on the I-80, crashed into another car, turned on its side and slid over 100 feet. Winslow barely missed hitting and breaking a police DO NOT CROSS tape. Had the tape been broken, according to trooper Jason Stark, Winslow could have received a $250 summons and points on his license.
AND DON'T SLAM THE DOOR
Director Robert Altman (MASH, Nashville), in New York to promote his latest film "Dr T and the Women," said Wednesday he would move to France if George W. Bush won the American presidential election in November. Sipping champagne as he sat taking the sun on the terrace of his suite at the Waldorf Astoria, flanked by two beautiful young actresses, Altman said "There's a lot that's wrong with life in America, believe me."