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We have made a
favorable purchase on thousands of gently used Firestone tires, and we offer them at prices so low you'll ask "what's the catch?" There is no catch, my friends, these are genuine Firestones, the same brand used on all Ford SUVs and Minivans. We have every size and every model, we took a second mortgage on the house to corner the market in these, so let our shrewd business acumen save you money. Come on in today and check out our low low prices. McGUFFIN'S UNTRUE NEWS MAGAZINE AND USED TIRE OUTLET, editorial offices 164 East Oakland Avenue, Apt. 3-J. Used Tire Outlet 1050 Little Frontage Road. Please don't come to the editorial offices if you want tires. Thanks.
WE TOLD YOU SO
After six years and untold millions of taxpayer dollars, the office of special prosecutor Robert Ray announced that there is not enough evidence to prosecute President and Mrs. Clinton for their roles in the whitewater affair. The special prosecutor's failure to turn up any credible or convincing evidence proves what we at Untrue News have been saying all along: Those Clintons sure know how to cover their asses, don't they?
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE LATINA GRAMMY
whoever they were. We've forgotten. Hell, we don't even remember who won the REAL grammies.
MORE THAN ENOUGH
Jay Stradlin, 4, enjoys the beginning of his ride on Monument Park's famous Five Mile Kiddie Slide. "The children all laugh and smile at the beginning" said ride operator Jeff Nicolella, "but after the second or third mile, they aren't smiling any more."
CAREFUL, JERRY LEWIS MAY BE NEXT
Jumping on the "If George W. Bush wins the U.S. presidential election this November, I'll leave" bandwagon (see our prior story on Robert Altman), actor and Democratic party activist Alec Baldwin said he and his wife Kim Basinger will leave the United States if the Republican wins.
Several hours after Baldwin's statement was released, a new poll reported an unprecedented 30% upswing in Bush's popularity. Analysts could give no reason for the sudden increase.
009--LICENSED TO FIRE ROCKET LAUNCHERS
A small missile was fired Wednesday night at the headquarters of the MI6 foreign intelligence service in central London, police said. It caused minimal damage, and no injuries were reported. Yvonne Medd, a spokesperson for MI6 told Untrue News the office staff was calm during the attack. "You can't underestimate British Intelligence." she said.
TOO ERR IS HUMAN
MISTAKE: In a recent issue we quoted candidate George W. Bush as saying he favors drawing and quartering as the appropriate method of execution for the state of Texas. We were in error. We should have said Bush favors drawing and quartering as AN appropriate method of execution for the state of Texas. We apologize to the governor and regret any inconvenience.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
Actor Richard Harris, who had been offered "a substantial salary" to play Professor Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movie, rejected the terms of
the contract. The British magazine OK said that Harris had held out for a deal like the one Alec Guinness received for appearing in Star Wars: a percentage of the film's theater and merchandising profits. Our movie and film critic Avon Proctor points out that comparing the careers and talents of Richard Harris and Alec Guinness is basically comparing assholes and oranges.
EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD
"You know something, folks? There is NOTHING FUNNY about football."