After six years and untold millions of taxpayer dollars, the office of special prosecutor Robert Ray announced that there is not enough evidence to prosecute President and Mrs. Clinton for their roles in the whitewater affair. The special prosecutor's failure to turn up any credible or convincing evidence proves what we at Untrue News have been saying all along: Those Clintons sure know how to cover their asses, don't they?

 

 

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE LATINA GRAMMY WINNERS,
whoever they were. We've forgotten. Hell, we don't even remember who won the REAL grammies.

 

Jay Stradlin, 4, enjoys the beginning of his ride on Monument Park's famous Five Mile Kiddie Slide. "The children all laugh and smile at the beginning" said ride operator Jeff Nicolella, "but after the second or third mile, they aren't smiling any more."

 

Jumping on the "If George W. Bush wins the U.S. presidential election this November, I'll leave" bandwagon (see our prior story on Robert Altman), actor and Democratic party activist Alec Baldwin said he and his wife Kim Basinger will leave the United States if the Republican wins. Several hours after Baldwin's statement was released, a new poll reported an unprecedented 30% upswing in Bush's popularity. Analysts could give no reason for the sudden increase.

 

A small missile was fired Wednesday night at the headquarters of the MI6 foreign intelligence service in central London, police said. It caused minimal damage, and no injuries were reported. Yvonne Medd, a spokesperson for MI6 told Untrue News the office staff was calm during the attack. "You can't underestimate British Intelligence." she said.

 

OUR MISTAKE: In a recent issue we quoted candidate George W. Bush as saying he favors drawing and quartering as the appropriate method of execution for the state of Texas. We were in error. We should have said Bush favors drawing and quartering as AN appropriate method of execution for the state of Texas. We apologize to the governor and regret any inconvenience.

 

Actor Richard Harris, who had been offered "a substantial salary" to play Professor Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movie, rejected the terms of the contract. The British magazine OK said that Harris had held out for a deal like the one Alec Guinness received for appearing in Star Wars: a percentage of the film's theater and merchandising profits. Our movie and film critic Avon Proctor points out that comparing the careers and talents of Richard Harris and Alec Guinness is basically comparing assholes and oranges.

 

"You know something, folks? There is NOTHING FUNNY about football."