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September 30, 2000

SPECIAL ROSH HASHANAH ISSUE

Note to our readers of the Jewish faith: we checked with the Jewish Theological Seminary and they tell us that if you so much as glance at an issue of Untrue News during the high holy days, you risk displeasing God very very much.

This week's issue of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by The Jewish Theological Seminary. Tuition $15,000 per year. For you, $13,950. 

MOSQUITOES 1 NEW JERSEY 0

An 82 year old New Jersey man became the first person in the United States to die of West Nile virus this year. Officials did not release the name of the man, but whoever he is, congratulations!

 

 

NEWS OF SCIENCE FROM OUR SCIENCE REPORTER, THE MAN WHOSE INITIALS ARE HIS NAME, DR. MEL E. LEVINE

Before I get to the science report, I'd like to invite everyone in and around the Pt. Barrow, Alaska area to drop in to Gregory's Diner, on the highway opposite the Esso, next door to Decco's Marine Supply. I'll be doing a special two a.m. show there on Monday, November 6. Mention Untrue News and get a free cocktail napkin and stirrer for your drink. Let's hope the roads are open, see you there!

In news of science, neuro-genetic researchers believe they have discovered the gene that links to the pheromone, a group of odorless molecules which stimulate primal urges in SEX, DEFENSE and KINSHIP. I must be loaded with pheremones. I asked a woman for sex, she got defensive, and reminded me she was my wife's sister.

 --MEL

 

BURN BABY BURN

Matthew Reese raises his fist in triumph last Saturday as the remains of a heavily insured warehouse burns behind him. According to the Guinness Book of Records, Matthew, 7, is the world's youngest arsonist.

 

NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS:

Monica LewinskySOMEBODY TELL HER HER FIFTEEN MINUTES ARE UP

Monica Lewinsky has been hired by Britain's Independent Television News to broadcast a series of six reports about American culture, fashion and style. The reports will be called "Postcards From Monica." The first postcard, which arrived yesterday, postage-due, read "Hi, I'm havin' a ball. New Yorkers wear all black all the time. They are SO ditzy. Gotta dash. Love ya,  --M."

 

SHOWER THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WITH LOVE
FROM THE UNTRUE NEWS GALLERY OF TRUE NEWS

Our occasional meander from the dank alleys of humor into the sunlit fields of truth: 

1. A police station became the latest target in South Africa's crime wave when robbers held it up and made off with $50,000 in cash, The Star newspaper said on Thursday.

2. In West Haven, CT. a woman was charged with public indecency after standing on the hood of a police car and urinating as officers attempted to arrest her for disorderly conduct. The woman's name is Deborah Leak.

 

TIT FOR TAT

Following the filming of "Dancing at the Blue Iguana", a movie about an L.A. stripper, Daryl Hannah told Untrue News that the whole experience repulsed her. "I never felt comfortable with my nudity," she said. "Whenever I thought about it, I was sick. I was horrified, terrified." Now she knows how Jackson Brown felt.

 

HANDS UP

Senators Jon Kyl (R-AZ) and Phil Gramm (R-TX) explain to the American people that conservative Republicans DO have a sense of humor. "Look at these hands" said Kyl. "Are these the hands of a liar?"

 

NO ISSUE NEXT WEEK. MCGUFFIN'S UNTRUE NEWS AND MCGUFFIN'S PRIVATE UNTRUE NEWSLETTER WILL APPEAR ON OCT. 14. 

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