April 7, 2001 Untrue News
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Hoping for a break in the standoff
between the USA and China concerning the return of the American crew of
the EP-3E Aries spy plane which crashed on Hainan Island, President
Cheney told Congress he will apologize to the Chinese Government for
the loss of their pilot "as soon as the Chinese apologize to us for
'Crouching Tiger--Hidden Dragon'."
REST FOR THE VAST RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY
Rodham Clinton yesterday ruled out ever running for president. The
surprise vow to never make a White House bid came when Clinton was
pressed to clarify a statement she'd made minutes earlier about the
presidency being "not something I'm going to be doing." Asked by the
NY Post if she was ruling out a run for president not just in 2004,
but in 2008 and beyond, the Senator replied "Yes. I will never run
for President. At least, that is the answer I'm giving you now."
FOR A HEALTHY
HEART GRAB YOUR NUTS
research, peanuts have a high concentration of beta-sitosterol, a
plant sterol that may play a protective role against colon,
prostate, and breast cancer. A 1.2-ounce handful of peanuts contains
approximately 50 milligrams of beta-sitosterol. Peanuts are also
excellent for maintaining a healthy heart, say researchers employed
by the Sell More Peanuts Foundation of the Worldwide Peanut Council,
a wholly owned subsidiary of Productos de Mantequilla de Cacahuentes
Internacional S.A. a division of Beatrice Foods.
Boy Scout Dave Farrington customizes golf clubs to fit his grip as he
attempts to earn a merit badge in gay bashing.
A DEATH IN
Johnson, 76, died this week at his home in Lancaster, California.
For the past 30 years, Mr. Johnson was president of the Flat Earth
Research Society, maintaining that those who believed the earth was
round had been duped. Mr. Johnson, who also believed that
smoking was a harmless activity, died of lung cancer and emphysema.
Schwarzenegger said in an interview that he intends to set aside his
acting career in order to make a try for elective office. Untrue
News asks: how is that setting aside acting?
Get a reminder when we publish NEW Untrue News.
Keep reading, we aren't done yet.
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
CRUISING WITH NICOLE
her new film, Moulin Rouge, Nicole Kidman is telling reporters that
she will not comment on her personal life, in particular the breakup
of her marriage to Tom Cruise. Kidman told Untrue News that Moulin
Rouge "has been my shining light in a weird way," then quickly
added, "My kids and the film are the two things that are my shining
lights. Whoa. I almost forgot my kids there for a minute. But it's a
wonderful picture and I know everyone will love it. Do I look
NEW QUIZ SHOW DEBUTS
now it's time to play Guess What's Behind You. Tammi, it's
your turn, the clue is, this is something soft that stays on your
bed all day." "Uh..my boyfriend?"
Dear Untrue News:
You guys make me laugh
by Untrue News paranoid editor
Microphones small enough to fit inside
a tooth cavity are commonly used by agents of various interests. If you have
had a tooth filled within the past five years, demand to see your dental
x-rays. Make sure they are yours and not a switched set with your name on
them. Look at the darker portions of the tooth where you have dental fillings.
If you see a tiny dot the size of a period in 5 point pica type, that may well
be a microphone, and you are advised to go to another dentist to make sure, or
use the HAYDEN DENTAL BUG DETECTOR®.
Don't believe it doesn't work just
because the Federal Trade Commission found it "ineffective for purposes
claimed." Of course the government would claim it can't detect their
bugs. But I am smarter than that.
Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
McGuffin's The Untrue
News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved. In
New York City, the police arrested a man who had been busted 19
times previously for impersonating a New York Subway Systems worker
or subway train driver. Untrue News wants to know why the hell this
guy didn't just get a job with the Transit Authority?
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