<%@ Language=JavaScript %>  April 7, 2001 Untrue News

 

 


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April 7, 2001 Untrue News

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BEIJING DUCK

Hoping for a break in the standoff between the USA and China concerning the return of the American crew of the EP-3E Aries spy plane which crashed on Hainan Island, President Cheney told Congress he will apologize to the Chinese Government for the loss of their pilot "as soon as the Chinese apologize to us for 'Crouching Tiger--Hidden Dragon'."

 

 

SOME REST FOR THE VAST RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton yesterday ruled out ever running for president. The surprise vow to never make a White House bid came when Clinton was pressed to clarify a statement she'd made minutes earlier about the presidency being "not something I'm going to be doing." Asked by the NY Post if she was ruling out a run for president not just in 2004, but in 2008 and beyond, the Senator replied "Yes. I will never run for President. At least, that is the answer I'm giving you now."

 

FOR A HEALTHY HEART GRAB YOUR NUTS

According to research, peanuts have a high concentration of beta-sitosterol, a plant sterol that may play a protective role against colon, prostate, and breast cancer. A 1.2-ounce handful of peanuts contains approximately 50 milligrams of beta-sitosterol. Peanuts are also excellent for maintaining a healthy heart, say researchers employed by the Sell More Peanuts Foundation of the Worldwide Peanut Council,  a wholly owned subsidiary of Productos de Mantequilla de Cacahuentes Internacional S.A. a division of Beatrice Foods.


 

JAMBOREE


Boy Scout Dave Farrington customizes golf clubs to fit his grip as he attempts to earn a merit badge in gay bashing.

A DEATH IN CALIFORNIA

Charles Johnson, 76, died this week at his home in Lancaster, California. For the past 30 years, Mr. Johnson was president of the Flat Earth Research Society, maintaining that those who believed the earth was round had been duped. Mr. Johnson, who  also believed that smoking was a harmless activity, died of lung cancer and emphysema.

 

CONAN THE ARYAN

Arnold Schwarzenegger said in an interview that he intends to set aside his acting career in order to make a try for elective office. Untrue News asks:  how is that setting aside acting?

 

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

CRUISING WITH NICOLE

Plugging her new film, Moulin Rouge, Nicole Kidman is telling reporters that she will not comment on her personal life, in particular the breakup of her marriage to Tom Cruise. Kidman told Untrue News that Moulin Rouge "has been my shining light in a weird way," then quickly added, "My kids and the film are the two things that are my shining lights. Whoa. I almost forgot my kids there for a minute. But it's a wonderful picture and I know everyone will love it. Do I look alright?"

 

NEW QUIZ SHOW DEBUTS

"And now it's time to play Guess What's Behind You.  Tammi, it's your turn, the clue is, this is something soft that stays on your bed all day."    "Uh..my boyfriend?"

 

 

Dear Untrue News:

You guys make me laugh out loud.

Sincerely,
 
Russell Crowe

 


FROM THE FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

Microphones small enough to fit inside a tooth cavity are commonly used by agents of various interests. If you have had a tooth filled within the past five years, demand to see your dental x-rays. Make sure they are yours and not a switched set with your name on them. Look at the darker portions of the tooth where you have dental fillings. If you see a tiny dot the size of a period in 5 point pica type, that may well be a microphone, and you are advised to go to another dentist to make sure, or use the HAYDEN DENTAL BUG DETECTOR®

Don't believe it doesn't work just because the Federal Trade Commission found it "ineffective for purposes claimed." Of course the government would claim it can't detect their bugs. But I am smarter than that.

 --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

McGuffin's The Untrue News is Copyright 2003 by Fool Moon LLC, all rights reserved.  In New York City, the police arrested a man who had been busted 19 times previously for impersonating a New York Subway Systems worker or subway train driver. Untrue News wants to know why the hell this guy didn't just get a job with the Transit Authority?

 

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