<%@ Language=JavaScript %> April 14, 2001 Untrue News


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April 14, 2001

Special April Showers Issue

Featuring our own Miss April, Candy Gorton-Larkspur in a pictorial fantasy of showers, if you know what we mean.

 

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

Apr. 14,  2001

BYE-BYE MISS NBCi

NBC is shutting down NBCi, the struggling Internet portal, and laying off its remaining 300 employees. NBCi reportedly had lost $245 million in the three-month period ending in December, "Money" said NBC CFO Mark Begor, "that could be better used to raise executive salaries."

 

UNTOUCHED BY HUMAN EMOTIONS

George W. Bush has nominated Republicans Kevin Martin and Kathleen Abernathy and Democrat Michael Copps to the FCC.

The commission under Chairman Michael Powell is widely expected  to eliminate the 35-percent limit on broadcasting ownership . It is also expected to do away with the rule barring media companies from owning newspapers and TV stations in the same market. Bush said "we feel the 35 percent limitation rule is restrictive to the wealthy, powerful robber barons who wish to own the airwaves. I say if Murdoch or Redstone want to take over the world, hell, let them, I'll still be here. I got oil money."

NEWS OF LAW

by Untrue News legal correspondent, Sarah Toppel.

Robert Grestle of Andover Massachusetts is suing the Renutogen Pharmaceutical Labs of Fort Wayne, Indiana, and their advertising agency, Polk, Polk and Westerberg, of New York. In an unusual case, Mr. Grestle, 50,  claims he purchased Renutogen's "Teenagain Face Creme" because the ads promised "skin like a teenager's". After Grestle applied the creme overnight, he woke up with a face full of acne. The arguments here write themselves, it should be a fun trial to watch, we'll keep you posted.  --S.T. (SToppel@untruenews.com)

 

NEWS OF SCIENCE and MEDICINE

by Untrue News science and medicine reporter Dr. Mel E. Levine, the guy whose initials are his name.

The Canadian government has eased restrictions on private citizens growing and possessing marijuana for medical purposes.  It sounds good, but the fact is, anyone who has ever smoked even the best Manitoban Mudweed knows it's really low quality stuff, giving the user a headache rather than a buzz, and delivering less cannabinoid per lungful than Amsterdam grown versions such as First Class Flight or Karma One  (available from Dirk Van Der Von Venter, 11 Mozartstraat, Hilversum, Holland. Not for shipment to USA, Canada, Mexico, Greenland, Iceland, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Spain, France, United Kingdom (including Wales, Scotland, Gibraltar, Channel Islands, Isle of Man, blah blah blah) , China, Japan, North & South Korea, Brazil, Costa Rica, Honduras, Guatemala, Argentina, United Arab Emirates, Chile, Peru, Kuwait, Iran, Iraq, Italy, Australia, Fiji, American Samoa, APO addresses, New Zealand, Russia, Viet Nam, Sudan, Paraguay, Uruguay, Panama, Finland, Algeria, Malawi, Belize, Greece, Cuba, Venezuela, Belgium, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Germany, Finland, Tasmania, Afghanistan, Bahrain, Barbados, Gabon, Mongolia, Slovakia, Palau, Ghana, Croatia, Indonesia, Cambodia, Nicaragua,  Bangladesh, Togo, Qatar, Albania, Botswana, Gambia, Libya, Jamaica, Jordan, Pakistan, San Marino, Ukraine, Philippines, Cameroon, Bolivia, Liberia, Zimbabwe, Eritrea, Micronesia,  Andorra, Lesotho, Turkey, Tunisia, Nepal, Grenada, Ethiopia, Austria, Costa Rica, El Salvador, Egypt, Monaco, Oman, Vanuatu, Equatorial Guinea, Chad, Angola, Georgia, Lebanon, Portugal, Poland, St. Kitts and Nevis, Macedonia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Nigeria, Niger, Belarus, Antigua and Barbuda, Ireland, Kenya, Kazakhstan, Armenia, Nauru, Saint Lucia, Yemen, Benin, Czech Republic, Guinea, Laos, Romania, Rwanda, Somalia, Azerbaijan, Bahamas, South Africa, Sri Lanka, Zambia, Morocco, Bhutan, Guinea-Bissau, Guyana, Haiti, Sierra Leone, Tuvalu,  Bosnia and Herzegovina, Kiribati, Moldova, Brunei, Yugoslavia, Vatican City, Namibia, Bulgaria, Ecuador, Israel, Burkina Faso, Kergyzstan, Madagascar, Dominican Republic, Hungary, Latvia, Papua New Guinea, Singapore, Uzbekistan, Dominica, Burundi, Sudan, Cape Verde, Central African Republic, Congo (formerly Zaire),  Congo Republic, Comoros, Ivory Coast, Uganda, Myanmar, India, Djibouti, Cyprus, Malaysia, Marshall Islands, Tanzania, Syria, Maldives, Samoa, Turkmenistan, Trinidad and Tobago, Mozambique, Mali, Sao Tome and Principe, Saudi Arabia, Mauritius, St. Vincent and the Grenadines, Senegal, Tonga, Solomon Islands, Marshall Islands, Malta, Mauritania, Moldova, Seychelles, Thailand, Tajikistan, Slovenia, Swaziland, and Suriname.)

Incidentally, I'll be the m.c. for  the Brownsville Texas Open Air Summertime Comedy Festival,  every Monday afternoon in July, at 2:00 PM at Amigoland Mall, in front of the old J.C. Penney.  Come on over, it's fun and you get to see loads of great new comics.  -- M.E.L.

RATINGS GRABBER

Attorney John Ashcroft has decided to allow the relatives of Oklahoma City bombing victims to watch the execution of the convicted bomber, Timothy McVeigh, on closed circuit television. According to the show business publication Weekly Variety, the execution will be preceded by several variety acts and will be produced by Gilbert Cates, directed by Don Mischer, and written by Buz Kohan and Bruce Villanche, with special musical material by Kohan. Sponsors include Coca Cola, Gillette, and Dodge-Chrysler-Plymouth.

 

CONTEST: 

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NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS

LET'S MAKE A DEAL

Rolling Stone Magazine publisher Jann Wenner (l.) shakes hands with Disney honcho Michael Eisner after the two reached an agreement on how much they will steal from their employees by withholding royalties and fees for the next two fiscal years.

 

 

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Untrue News movie and film critic Avon Proctor thinks our readers will enjoy Jim Carrey's newest release, "Death Has A Baby" said to be a satirical indictment of the pediatrics racket.

 

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FROM THE FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

Last week we discussed dental microphones, this week the implants are a bit more sinister. If you have ever had surgery of any kind since 1956, you should be aware that surgeons have the capability of implanting tiny crystals into your soft tissue which transmits to a receiver up to 150 miles away.  Receivers are now portable (and have been since 1969) which allows them to monitor you wherever you go.  Have you been operated on? Are they, therefore, spying on you? According to the United States Government Roswell ALLIANCE Files, there is a better than 65 % chance that a receiver exists with your name on it. If your name is "Pioneer" or "Bose" the odds go up enormously.

 --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

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April 14 2001

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Copyright 2000-2001 by Fool Moon, LLC.  All rights reserved.
I forgot to say one thing, it's not South Padre Island, it's right in the heart of the city of Brownsville itself, okay? See you there!  --M.E.L.

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