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April 21, 2001

Who do you want to hurt today?

This weeks' edition of McGuffin's Untrue News is brought to you by Internet Explorer, the program that makes surfing the Internet as pleasant and enjoyable as having your teeth extracted without Novocain while sitting in coach between two big sweaty people with irritating voices on a Delta Airlines flight that's been stuck on the runway for seven hours.  Internet Explorer...if you didn't know the meaning of the term "frustrated rage" before, you do now.
 

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

Apr. 21,  2001

I BELIEVE IN YESTERDAY

Area residents bury a time capsule containing a Spice Girls cd, a tape of the quiz show "Greed", a DVD of "Autumn Sonata" and photos of the house guests on "Big Brother". The capsule will be dug up in two years to see if anyone can remember anything about any of the items.

 

CASHING IN

This pic is not sexy, in fact it has absolutely nothing at all to do with hot nasty sex.
Following a growing trend started by the motion picture and television industries, police surveillance photos are now featuring product placements.

 
 

TICKLE ME ACCOUNTANT

Children's Television Workshop, producers of Sesame Street announced Monday that it is changing its name. In a statement, the company said that it didn't want to be thought of as just a TV company. "Our new name captures the essence of who we are" it said. CTW's new name will be "The Greedy Shitheads Who Are Taking Quote Research Unquote Trips to Paris and Other European Capitals on Your Tax Dollars, Yet Who Make Millions Aggressively Marketing Formerly Adorable Characters Once Used For Educational Purposes Workshop."  We'll see you at the fund-raiser!

SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS...

When reminded that he refused to criticize what some saw as anti-Semitic remarks made by Pat Buchanan, that his campaign chairman used a mailing list purchased from Klan leader David Duke, and that he jump-started his South Carolina primary campaign at segregationist Bob Jones University, which leans towards anti-Catholicism and forbids interracial dating, George W. Bush told Untrue News "What's wrong with Christian conservatives being anti-Semitic, anti-Catholic, or anti-black?  I mean, if you take those things away from us, what the hell have we got?"

 

NEVER MEANT TO BE

Studio Portrait of Bill CosbyBill Cosby's untitled TV movie in which he was to play a character who fathers a love child has been shelved following differences between Cosby and the movie's producers, cable channel TNT. Insiders say TNT wanted a movie that was truthful and funny, while Cosby wanted to do it his way.

AND LOWER IN CALORIES TOO

Board of Education Officials say the new school lunch program should save the city millions of dollars a year.

 

FINANCIAL WIZARDS

Town Zoning Board members explain to the public how they manage to drive Porsches, live in $2 million homes and maintain apartments in Paris and the Caribbean on a $36,000 annual salary.

 

OUR LEADERS ARE TELLING THE TRUTH

Theodore A. Postol, an arms expert at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology has issued a strong criticism of the government's proposed antimissile defense system. According to Postol's evidence, all flight tests of the $60 billion weapon have been rigged to hide a fundamental flaw: The system cannot distinguish between enemy warheads and decoys. Untrue News cannot believe Mr. Postol's story. It would mean that the Pentagon is lying to the American people, and things like that just don't happen. It would be like saying that Eisenhower lied to America about the Francis Gary Powers U-2 spy plane incident. It would mean that Kennedy lied about Cuba, and Lyndon Johnson lied about Viet Nam, and Nixon lied about Watergate, and Bush lied about Iran-Contra and no new taxes, and Clinton lied about everything. No. America does not accept liars as chief executives. We never have and we never will. To say otherwise flies in the face of all that is right and true and good about this beloved country.

 -- Mark McGuffin

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April 21 2001

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