KISS ME, I'M DEAD
The Dutch senate has given formal
approval to a bill legalizing euthanasia, making the Netherlands the
first country in the world to allow so-called mercy killing. In a
related story, a group of liberal Democrats have purchased a one-way,
all expense paid ticket to Amsterdam for Senator Strom Thurmond.
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DON'T DRINK THE WATER
Asked if she had ever used Ecstasy,
Jenna Bush replied 'I tried it once but I didn't inhale."
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WHO IS RICHARD HERTZ?
"Michael Hunt. Somebody here wants Michael Hunt. Where's Michael
Hunt? Has anyone seen Michael Hunt? I'm looking for Michael Hunt. Anyone
know where Michael Hunt is?"
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PIGGY BANKS
 In a case involving loan sharking in
poor communities, it was revealed that New York law sets a limit of 25
percent per year on interest for most bank loans, and 16 percent per
year on person-to-person loans. Asked why bank loan rates are much
higher than person-to-person rates, New York's Governor George Pataki
said "People don't elect Governors... People who are presidents of
banks elect Governors."
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NEWS OF SCIENCE AND
MEDICINE
by Dr. Mel E. Levine, the guy
whose initials are his name.
 Hey
Untrue News, what's happening? It's great to be here. Before I go to news of
science and medicine, I just wanted to tell you all I had a gig at the Xenia
(Ohio) Airport Motel 6, in the lounge, at 12 PM. It's called their Nooner Comedy
Hour. Not many planes land in Xenia at noon, but there are a lot of takeoffs, so
the lounge was crowded with nervous travelers knocking back a few CC and gingers
before taking flights. Plus the roar of the takeoffs interfered with the sound.
Oh well, every comic has to work to drunks and takeoff noises in his career, am
I right people?
In science news today, IBM.
scientists have for the first time created a vast assembly of transistors using
a new material only a few molecules wide, taking a significant step toward
computers far tinier and more powerful than those used today. An IBM spokesman
told Untrue News "For the first time, we'll be able to manufacture
computers, TV sets and game players so small you won't be able to see
them." --M.E.L.
WE NEED A LITTLE CHRISTMAS
Ellis Bresko gets a jump on the
holidays as he becomes the first person to steal a Christmas tree
from Pinefield Farms this year.
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VIVE LA DIFFERENCE
Rumors persist that the winner of the
Miss France competition is a former male who had a sex-change
operation. Untrue News disagrees. We feel she wasn't cut out to be a
woman.
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This
issue is from
April 28 2001
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Talk
back to McGuffin
This
issue is from
April 28 2001
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This
issue is from
April 28 2001
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 FROM
THE 
FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor
Hyman Hayden**
 We've seen the
commercials in which the man drives crazily until he finds himself stranded
in some remote, hostile, icy environment. He makes a quick call and his
satellite guided mapping system shows him the way home. In another
commercial, a man locks his keys in his car. He makes a quick call and his
doors are automatically unlocked.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH
THIS PICTURE? Some clerk at a telephone a thousand miles away, a
person completely unknown to you, can UNLOCK YOUR CAR! Some doofus
at a computer screen at three o'clock in the morning KNOWS EXACTLY
WHERE YOUR CAR IS. If this doesn't trouble you, tell your doctor to
take you off medication, you are no longer with us.
The government and its
colleagues, the giant International (thanks to NAFTA) Auto Makers can locate
and open the locked doors of your car anywhere, anytime.
Is your house next?
Perhaps they can already open your house locks from anywhere in the world.
All it takes is a computer, a modem, and the number of a satellite feed
station.
Telling you this could
get me killed. So could walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. I'm just
saying.
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman
Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
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the Majestic Alliance
Post
Shadow Gov. agent sightings
This issue is from
April 28
2001
Click
here for the latest issue
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