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April 28, 2001

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue." 

Apr. 28,  2001

KISS ME, I'M DEAD

Senator Strom Thurmond

The Dutch senate has given formal approval to a bill legalizing euthanasia, making the Netherlands the first country in the world to allow so-called mercy killing.  In a related story, a group of liberal Democrats have purchased a one-way, all expense paid ticket to Amsterdam for Senator Strom Thurmond.

 

DON'T DRINK THE WATER

Jenna Bush, daughter of President George Bush

Asked if she had ever used Ecstasy, Jenna Bush replied 'I tried it once but I didn't inhale."

WHO IS RICHARD HERTZ?

"Michael Hunt. Somebody here wants Michael Hunt. Where's Michael Hunt? Has anyone seen Michael Hunt? I'm looking for Michael Hunt. Anyone know where Michael Hunt is?"

 

PIGGY BANKS

George Pataki explain usurious interest by banksIn a case involving loan sharking in poor communities, it was revealed that New York law sets a limit of 25 percent per year on interest for most bank loans, and 16 percent per year on person-to-person loans. Asked why bank loan rates are much higher than person-to-person rates, New York's Governor George Pataki said "People don't elect Governors... People who are presidents of banks elect Governors."

NEWS OF SCIENCE AND MEDICINE

by Dr. Mel E. Levine, the guy whose initials are his name.

Dr. Mel E. Levine, Science Editor and Stand-Up Comedian.Hey Untrue News, what's happening? It's great to be here. Before I go to news of science and medicine, I just wanted to tell you all I had a gig at the Xenia (Ohio) Airport Motel 6, in the lounge, at 12 PM. It's called their Nooner Comedy Hour. Not many planes land in Xenia at noon, but there are a lot of takeoffs, so the lounge was crowded with nervous travelers knocking back a few CC and gingers before taking flights. Plus the roar of the takeoffs interfered with the sound.  Oh well, every comic has to work to drunks and takeoff noises in his career, am I right people?

In science news today, IBM. scientists have for the first time created a vast assembly of transistors using a new material only a few molecules wide, taking a significant step toward computers far tinier and more powerful than those used today. An IBM spokesman told Untrue News "For the first time, we'll be able to manufacture computers, TV sets and  game players so small you won't be able to see them."  --M.E.L.

WE NEED A LITTLE CHRISTMAS

Christmas Tree Early Shopping

Ellis Bresko gets a jump on the holidays as he becomes the first person to  steal a Christmas tree from Pinefield Farms this year.

 

VIVE LA DIFFERENCE

Miss France - cut out to be a woman?

Rumors persist that the winner of the Miss France competition is a former male who had a sex-change operation. Untrue News disagrees. We feel she wasn't cut out to be a woman.

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FROM THE FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

Satellite - watching youWe've seen the commercials in which the man drives crazily until he finds himself stranded in some remote, hostile, icy environment. He makes a quick call and his satellite guided mapping system shows him the way home. In another commercial, a man locks his keys in his car. He makes a quick call and his doors are automatically unlocked. 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? Some clerk at a telephone a thousand miles away, a person completely unknown to you, can UNLOCK YOUR CAR! Some doofus at a computer screen at three o'clock in the morning KNOWS EXACTLY WHERE YOUR CAR IS. If this doesn't trouble you, tell your doctor to take you off medication, you are no longer with us.

The government and its colleagues, the giant International (thanks to NAFTA) Auto Makers can locate and open the locked doors of your car anywhere, anytime. 

Is your house next? Perhaps they can already open your house locks from anywhere in the world. All it takes is a computer, a modem, and the number of a satellite feed station.eye in the sky

Telling you this could get me killed. So could walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. I'm just saying. 

 --H.H.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)

 

 

 

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