To those of you who celebrated Lamas last week, Lorenzo sends his thanks.
August 4, 2001
"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."
August 4, 2001
SENATE TO FARMERS: DROP DEAD
A Republican filibuster, combined with a veto threat by President Bush,
persuaded the Senate Friday to shelve a Democratic farm aid bill costing $7.5 billion. Instead the Senate
approved a House-passed farm assistance bill that provides $2 billion less than Democrats wanted.
Jubilant Republican leaders told Untrue News "The farmers are real working
class, salt of the earth Americans, and any time we can screw them out of two billion dollars, we're going
to go ahead and take that opportunity."
DON'T FORGET TO TIP
The FBI and police examined an anonymous tip to an Internet site alleging
Chandra Levy's body was buried under a parking lot near a Virginia military base. Nothing was found.
Other tips to the website which are being actively investigated
by the FBI include one signed Zorath, which tells of Ms. Levy's abduction by super-intelligent
aliens who come from a planet "real far away, with no churches" and one from "Billy" which states that Ms.
Levy has been kidnapped by "My 4th-grade teacher that bitch Mrs. Kessler."
TEACHER OF THE YEAR
5th grade geography teacher Cindy Murry presents students with one of her
challenging puzzles: "Find the map of Latvia on my sweater."
MANAGEMENT SKILLS
Atlanta Strip club owner Steve Kaplan pleaded guilty to racketeering
charges, and agreed to a $5 million fine and a three-year prison term, for operating The Gold Club, which
catered to the sexual needs of high profile professional athletes and actors, his lawyer said. Kaplan
agreed to turn over the Gold Club, one of the nation’s best-known and most profitable strip clubs, to the
federal government.
The
government immediately put Congressman Gary Condit in charge of operating the club, saying "We expect to
be turning a profit on this joint in about ten minutes."
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CAN YOU DIG IT
The
House passed an energy bill that relies on producing more oil, natural gas and nuclear power to meet the
nation’s energy needs. Central to the debate was whether to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to
drilling, which a majority of representatives OK’d. In addition to the Arctic drilling, the House bill
would provide $33.5 billion in energy tax breaks and credits, most of it to promote coal, oil, nuclear and
natural gas development, but also about $6 billion aimed at spurring energy conservation, and $3 billion
for George Bush and President Cheney.
The revenue
drain could force Congress to dip into Medicare or Social Security trust funds, Democrats charged. The
White House acknowledged that the tax incentives would reduce the budget surplus by at least $30 billion.
Reached for comment a jubilant President Cheney said "Fuck Medicare, fuck social security and fuck the
Arctic fox. We're rich!"
PANTS AND JACKET
"In the car I just can't wait
To pick you up on our very first date
Is it cool to hold your hand?
Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?
Do you like my stupid hair?"
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THEY'VE GOT YOU BY THE BARRELS by Untrue News Editor Mark McGuffin
Tax Relief. You get three hundred dollars, Exxon/Mobile gets thirty billion,
while laying people off. I know there's a problem here somewhere, I just can't seem to put my finger on it.
Government estimates say that the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, located in
northeastern Alaska and frequented by millions of migrating birds, caribou and other wildlife, could supply up
to a total of 16 billion barrels of oil. The U.S. market consumes close to 20 million barrels of oil a day.
Let's check out the math. A billion is a thousand million. The US uses 20
million barrels of oil per day. At that rate, in 1,000 days, the US would consume twenty thousand million
barrels of oil, or 20 billion barrels, 4 billion barrels more than is contained in the entire drilling area of
the wildlife range. So the range will run out of oil in three years. Then, Untrue News suggests, we can open
another part of the Alaskan preserve, because that will be right around election time. And when we run out of
that oil? Untrue News reminds you that Caribou can be pressed and their oil extracted with only minimal pain
to the animal. Enjoy your stay on earth, my friends. --M.M
NEWS OF SHOW BUSINESS
From the David Letterman discard folder:
TOP TEN REASONS FOR MARIAH
CAREY'S BREAKDOWN
10. Bowl of M&Ms did not have green ones removed
9. She hadn't ordered a bowl of M&Ms
8. Britney Spears
7 Whitney Houston
6. Concertgoers lawsuits alleging her screaming cost them
their hearing
5. Madonna
4. That damn Whitney again.
3. Realization that beauty, stardom, wealth and love do not
happiness make.
2. Miniskirt rash
and the number one reason for Mariah Carey's breakdown
1. Read "To Be Young, Gifted and Black", realized she was none
of the above.
Domesticated cats have been around for five thousand years or
more. They were sacred animals to the Egyptians. Now if you think that cats are alien creatures, you have to
ask yourselves why, in five thousand years, haven't the aliens done what they want to do with us. Why would
any civilization smarter than ours hang around us for five thousand years disguised at cats? This was the
basic theme of the Broadway musical production of Cats, a theme which was largely ignored by theater critics.
No,
cats are not aliens, they are as earthbound as you and me. But for the last sixty years, aliens have been
using them as living cameras. Most cats disappear for a time, sometimes for ten minutes, sometimes for days.
You cannot find them. It is during these times that they are under direct control of the aliens. Minute
cameras, smaller than a deer tick, are inserted into the optic nerve tissue and into the aural canals of these
cats. They send back direct signals to those in spacecraft who are monitoring the cats. Or more to the point,
monitoring YOU. Why does your cat stare at you when IT wants to. Why does it insist on bathroom
privacy? Why does it leap onto your lap when IT wants to, not when YOU want it to, like a dog would? Why does
cat food taste worse than dog food?
You don't have to be a genius to add two and two. In this case,
the answer is two cats plus two cats usually equals four aliens. The cat's purr, which comes from nobody knows
where, is merely the machinery being reconfigured every so often. I will be in trouble for writing this, but
that's nothing new. My lead foil cap is on, my thoughts are my own.
--H.H.
(**NOTE:
Hyman
Haydenis a member of the Paranoid Alliance
for Personal Protection (PAPP)
and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)
nvestigated
by the FBI include one signed Zorath, which tells of Ms. Levy's abduction by super-intelligent
aliens who come from a planet "real far away, with no churches" and one from "Billy" which states that Ms.
Levy has been kidnapped by "My 4th-grade teacher that bitch Mrs. Kessler."
The
government immediately put Congressman Gary Condit in charge of operating the club, saying "We expect to
be turning a profit on this joint in about ten minutes."
The
House passed an energy bill that relies on producing more oil, natural gas and nuclear power to meet the
nation’s energy needs. Central to the debate was whether to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to
drilling, which a majority of representatives OK’d. In addition to the Arctic drilling, the House bill
would provide $33.5 billion in energy tax breaks and credits, most of it to promote coal, oil, nuclear and
natural gas development, but also about $6 billion aimed at spurring energy conservation, and $3 billion
for George Bush and President Cheney.
The revenue
drain could force Congress to dip into Medicare or Social Security trust funds, Democrats charged. The
White House acknowledged that the tax incentives would reduce the budget surplus by at least $30 billion.
Reached for comment a jubilant President Cheney said "Fuck Medicare, fuck social security and fuck the
Arctic fox. We're rich!" 
No,
cats are not aliens, they are as earthbound as you and me. But for the last sixty years, aliens have been
using them as living cameras. Most cats disappear for a time, sometimes for ten minutes, sometimes for days.
You cannot find them. It is during these times that they are under direct control of the aliens. Minute
cameras, smaller than a deer tick, are inserted into the optic nerve tissue and into the aural canals of these
cats. They send back direct signals to those in spacecraft who are monitoring the cats. Or more to the point,
monitoring YOU. Why does your cat stare at you when IT wants to. Why does it insist on bathroom
privacy? Why does it leap onto your lap when IT wants to, not when YOU want it to, like a dog would? Why does
cat food taste worse than dog food?
