<%@ Language=JavaScript %> August 4, 2001

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To those of you who celebrated Lamas last week, Lorenzo sends his thanks.

August 4, 2001

"If we say it's untrue, there's no way you can sue."

August 4, 2001


A Republican filibuster, combined with a veto threat by President Bush, persuaded the Senate Friday to shelve a Democratic farm aid bill costing $7.5 billion. Instead the Senate approved a House-passed farm assistance bill that provides $2 billion less than Democrats wanted.


Jubilant Republican leaders told Untrue News "The farmers are real working class, salt of the earth Americans, and any time we can screw them out of two billion dollars, we're going to go ahead and take that opportunity."




The FBI and police examined an anonymous tip to an Internet site alleging Chandra Levy's body was buried under a parking lot near a Virginia military base. Nothing was found.

Other tips to the website which are being actively investigated by the FBI include one signed Zorath, which tells of Ms. Levy's abduction by super-intelligent aliens who come from a planet "real far away, with no churches" and one from "Billy" which states that Ms. Levy has been kidnapped by "My 4th-grade teacher that bitch Mrs. Kessler."



5th grade geography teacher Cindy Murry presents students with one of her challenging puzzles: "Find the map of Latvia on my sweater."




Atlanta Strip club owner Steve Kaplan pleaded guilty to racketeering charges, and agreed to a $5 million fine and a three-year prison term, for operating The Gold Club, which catered to the sexual needs of high profile professional athletes and actors, his lawyer said. Kaplan agreed to turn over the Gold Club, one of the nationís best-known and most profitable strip clubs, to the federal government.

Rep. ConditThe government immediately put Congressman Gary Condit in charge of operating the club, saying "We expect to be turning a profit on this joint in about ten minutes."


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You can't afford NOT to!


The House passed an energy bill that relies on producing more oil, natural gas and nuclear power to meet the nationís energy needs. Central to the debate was whether to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to drilling, which a majority of representatives OKíd. In addition to the Arctic drilling, the House bill would provide $33.5 billion in energy tax breaks and credits, most of it to promote coal, oil, nuclear and natural gas development, but also about $6 billion aimed at spurring energy conservation, and $3 billion for George Bush and President Cheney.

The revenue drain could force Congress to dip into Medicare or Social Security trust funds, Democrats charged. The White House acknowledged that the tax incentives would reduce the budget surplus by at least $30 billion. Reached for comment a jubilant President Cheney said "Fuck Medicare, fuck social security and fuck the Arctic fox. We're rich!"




"In the car I just can't wait
To pick you up on our very first date
Is it cool to hold your hand?
Is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?
Do you like my stupid hair?"


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Keep reading, we aren't done yet.

by Untrue News Editor Mark McGuffin

Tax Relief. You get three hundred dollars, Exxon/Mobile gets thirty billion, while laying people off. I know there's a problem here somewhere, I just can't seem to put my finger on it.

Government estimates say that the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, located in northeastern Alaska and frequented by millions of migrating birds, caribou and other wildlife, could supply up to a total of 16 billion barrels of oil. The U.S. market consumes close to 20 million barrels of oil a day.

Let's check out the math. A billion is a thousand million. The US uses 20 million barrels of oil per day. At that rate, in 1,000 days, the US would consume twenty thousand million barrels of oil, or 20 billion barrels, 4 billion barrels more than is contained in the entire drilling area of the wildlife range. So the range will run out of oil in three years. Then, Untrue News suggests, we can open another part of the Alaskan preserve, because that will be right around election time. And when we run out of that oil? Untrue News reminds you that Caribou can be pressed and their oil extracted with only minimal pain to the animal. Enjoy your stay on earth, my friends. --M.M


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From the David Letterman discard folder:


  • 10. Bowl of M&Ms did not have green ones removed
  • 9. She hadn't ordered a bowl of M&Ms
  • 8. Britney Spears
  • 7 Whitney Houston
  • 6. Concertgoers lawsuits alleging her screaming cost them their hearing
  • 5. Madonna
  • 4. That damn Whitney again.
  • 3. Realization that beauty, stardom, wealth and love do not happiness make.
  • 2. Miniskirt rash
  • and the number one reason for Mariah Carey's breakdown
  • 1. Read "To Be Young, Gifted and Black", realized she was none of the above.




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Have you found us yet?

You're being watched.FROM THE You've been followed here. We're all in danger. FILES
by Untrue News paranoid editor Hyman Hayden**

A writer in one the bulletin boards I associate with suggests that cats may be creatures from another planet. This is what the aliens would like us to believe.

Domesticated cats have been around for five thousand years or more. They were sacred animals to the Egyptians. Now if you think that cats are alien creatures, you have to ask yourselves why, in five thousand years, haven't the aliens done what they want to do with us. Why would any civilization smarter than ours hang around us for five thousand years disguised at cats? This was the basic theme of the Broadway musical production of Cats, a theme which was largely ignored by theater critics.

Messengers of the AliensNo, cats are not aliens, they are as earthbound as you and me. But for the last sixty years, aliens have been using them as living cameras. Most cats disappear for a time, sometimes for ten minutes, sometimes for days. You cannot find them. It is during these times that they are under direct control of the aliens. Minute cameras, smaller than a deer tick, are inserted into the optic nerve tissue and into the aural canals of these cats. They send back direct signals to those in spacecraft who are monitoring the cats. Or more to the point, monitoring YOU. Why does your cat stare at you when IT wants to. Why does it insist on bathroom privacy? Why does it leap onto your lap when IT wants to, not when YOU want it to, like a dog would? Why does cat food taste worse than dog food?

You don't have to be a genius to add two and two. In this case, the answer is two cats plus two cats usually equals four aliens. The cat's purr, which comes from nobody knows where, is merely the machinery being reconfigured every so often. I will be in trouble for writing this, but that's nothing new. My lead foil cap is on, my thoughts are my own.


The time draws near... keep looking.

Connect the dots. Trust no-one.

(**NOTE: Hyman Hayden is a member of the Paranoid Alliance for Personal Protection (PAPP) and is licensed to carry a concealed weapon.)


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EXTRA! Man arrested for cracking corn. Local farmer Jimmy was taken into custody by police, and charged with cracking corn. Said defense attorney Sal Fillipone "This is a case about nothing. Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care."

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